Advent Calnedar 7 & 8

Reasons to be Tearful #1
Saw a version of "Harry's Christmas" by Steven Berkoff yesterday. For anyone who has experienced depression in any form it will hit a nerve. Found myself wiping a tear away more than once. Maybe not recommended to go and see if you are currently experiencing the Dark Teatime of the Soul perhaps.

Reasons to be Tearful #2
More visits to the hospital with my wife today. Things still are uncertain as to timescales will have wait perhaps a few more months. Heard a new terminology today "Pre-emptive surgery" That brought images of a Stormin' Norman kind of consultant in surgery etc showing videos afterwards of a clinical operation etc etc. Next year will be an interesting one on this score as well I think. Will have to make some personal choices in this respect which are at the end of the day no-brainers. Hopefully things will be positive and compatible. There are few other options if things were to worsen apart from maintaining the status quo until something does come along. Have to think about my son as well and that he is supported through all this. He knows a little at the moment but possibly doesn't understand the full complications. Glad I sought some help personally before this particular ball started rolling.

Advent Calendar Triple Bill (4-6)

Alright so I'm not particularly able to keep up with this calendar thing this year! Things are busy. So much so, that rare opportunities are being turned down as I cannot be in more than one place at any one time. Still I've got to try and salvage what I can. Create some positives from these so I can build on them in the future. I have a feeling next year is going to be an unusual one with some changes ahead. Doing more of what I would like to do hopefully. Some hard work and juggling required. Let's see.

Theatre wise it was great to see how the stage is coming together and how the lighting we're working on makes just the right atmosphere. Looking forward to seeing the play too this week. Then it's some more hard work working behind the scenes for the play the next week. Maybe not so interesting as it mostly involves sitting in the back listening for cues so I can press buttons. Probably quiet cold as well as its not somewhere you'd expect to find heating. An unusual and rare piece though. I might say more about it closer to the time.

The dreaded 18month- 2yearly change in work has been proposed. It is looking interesting however. I can only work with bosses etc to develop it. Hopefully there will be a job at the end of it as well as the opportunity to develop things. The next few months things look interesting as I have said and this is one of the areas where it will be. Things will be more certain in the Spring.

Advent calendar 3

Back on course... Window three on day three.. Yay!

Managed to make it in to work the past few days. At the train station this morning things seemed a tad confusing. No train till 10.30! Other trains moved across to another platform! Station staff telling you to ignore the signs! Oh dear oh dear..! Train came in five minutes after I arrived, not packed and a pleasant journey. Work finished early due to ICT switching off everything early for planned work which they only chose to tell us about half an hour before. Who cares? It was an nice surprise to a slightly longer weekend ahead.

I am however getting miffed with not getting any luck with a few auditions recently. I could go on about how it seemed that the directors had all the parts allocated before the auditions. Jokingly placing bets on who would get them before and getting a lot right. One director even looked miffed that someone she didn't know had turned up to audition. Now I've had the last indignity. Not even getting a part in the New Writing week. Which was bigged up as an ideal opportunity for everyone. Lawd I'm sounding like a disgruntled drama queen. Truth is I'm probably rubbish. I've allowed a lot of what has gone on this past year knock my confidence and it shows when I audition. I'm no spring chicken and this theatre prefers younger actors. And to top it all my long hair et al would also probably make it difficult to cast me. I'm helping out behind the scenes more but not sure I'll keep it up here at least. No one else really wants to do it and those that have end up doing this month in and month out. Yay what fun! I do enjoy all of this but the constant rejection at the moment and the pointless politics does all make it rather feel like a waste of time. Maybe worthwhile seeing what other theatres are doing. Getting a bit tired of being surrounded by self centred youngsters. Bah humbug!

Advent Calendar 2

What was I going to say in this window? Really not so sure. A day of quietly standing up for myself, taking the brunt and chart a course on to calmer waters. The proposed changes to work have finally been made. On the whole it is looking positive for me and my team... I hope anyway. A bit of work and con flab all round lies ahead then if my post remains as it is then that will be that for 12-18 months till the next time. If not it wont be so ideal. But that will be another challenge if it comes along.

At home keeping on with doing something despite the difficulties, (and no I'm not talking about the femme side to me). Holding on to something for me. Need that for what may be ahead, what is already happening in part. I know I'm needed but I also need. Recharge of battery time. without that I'm not much good to anyone.

Advent Calendar 1

Has it been a year already? OK Lets see if I can do this once a day again... Not a good start mind being a day late already! Oops!

Yesterday whilst returning to work from getting some lunch I was strongly regretting taking the shortcut along the Thames facing the bitterly cold winds head on, made worse by it coming off the river itself. Then I noticed a group of bedraggled tourists partaking of the Ducktour experience. For those of you who don't know what that is it is a tour of London's landmarks etc which culminates with the vehicle you are in (an old WWII DUC amphibious vehicle) driving into the Thames for a view of London that way as well. So upon looking at their rather quiet faces I came upon a realisation. Sometimes when you think you are experiencing the worst there is always some poor soul who has better reason to think it than yourself.

A Question of Comfort

This might sound odd to some, but I am quite happy with having found some women's jeans which are comfortable enough that I can wear them whether I am in male or female mode. They are just comfy to wear, nothing else... Bliss! My wardrobe has over time increased with such items and reflect who I am everyday.

I am growing more confident again, all round, possibly more so in some areas. Still a way to go perhaps. Let's see as life continues to throw what it can at me. I am however less reticent to deny or hide who I am in some situations. There are other more important things that need my attention. Those things need me complete and in balance to deal with them honestly and with my full cognition.

So it is I have found myself more out there. Not necessarily shouting from the rooftops "Yoohoo! Hiya! Look over here!" More just getting on with stuff and accepting what comes my way.

Like the young shop assistants giggling as I hold a skirt against me to gauge if it would fit, (alright I was in male mode... granted!) and finding myself just recognising what they were doing and smiling back confidently. The more experienced shop assistant who served me after was of course much more customer focused and undoubtedly had seen this kind of thing a few times before. With a bit of luck the younger two will eventually get to the same point in their lives.

Like having the confidence to order a pair of glasses for both sides to me as part of a two for one offer...

"I can't let you go out like that!" Exclaims the confident mature sales assistant.

"Why not?" I ask

"They're too feminine!" She retorts.

"That's not a problem for me." I reply calmly. To which she was quite happy and replied that she felt she had to point it out just in case.

I have no idea if this new found confidence is as a result of talking through things. To be honest this femme side to me is not much discussed as it would take a heck of a lot more than CBT to handle. That would be for the future elsewhere if I so choose. I just feel able to handle things a bit more and life has continued to bowl its googlies, as it does. A colleague in work who has done so much in the field of mental illness sadly died unexpectedly in hospital. My wife's prognosis is a little more serious now, sooner than expected and leaving some important decisions to be made over the next year or so for both of us and our son. I am curious at how easy it can be to consider putting yourself at risk in order to try and help someone you care for. A bit matter of fact in fact. Don't figure?! Perhaps other things are becoming less important in the scheme of things? But I am certain that a more balanced and more honest me is going to be the one to get through all this.

Taking Stock

The talking therapy has started a little earlier than expected. All for the better I suppose. I have had my first proper session this week. As is the way, things have to get a tad more intense before they get better. I’m finding myself getting tearful at the most inappropriate moments, though I have so far managed to hold back the floodgates. They will open at some point, I’m sure of that. Many of the negative feelings are coming to the fore as I highlight them through the week. This is going to be a positive experience in the long run and knowing that is making it a little easier, here, in the present. I’m also starting to notice the smaller things, providing a little hope, possibly because I am going through this now. Again forgive me for not going into detail, what is for me something that is intensely personal. Just thought I’d keep you up to date on what is happening. I’m fine.

This is Ground Control...

...come in number 5 your time is up!
Six weeks is nearly up and I'm arranging to go back to work on a phased return which means increasing my hours each week until I'm back up to full time in about a month. I wont go into much detail about what I've been through while off work as that is private to me. I will say that my timing could have been better. Not having much time to myself, with the Summer holidays and all, but still it couldn't be helped. Still haven't started the talking therapy either, though I'm told this should start in about six weeks now. Hence my reasons for wanting to get back to work. Being off any longer would be detrimental I feel both to me and work. As is the way I never quite got the things I had planned to do out of the way either. Hey Ho!


A question of faith
I am to all intent and purpose a lapsed catholic. Have been for some years. As you can imagine trying to reconcile being me and attending a church which doesn't like to encourage that kind of thing has created some issues for me. I wasn't too bothered about Pope Benny coming across and selling his wares, so to speak. It wasn't of interest. I have my own faith and belief that I am still a Christian and will try and live my life that way irrespective of whether I go to church. I also felt that people had the right to protest for those issues they felt let down by the Catholic church. However over the time his nibs was over here I was really taken aback by some of the things said. Sometimes with little research or basis in fact, more word of mouth. Don't get me wrong some issues were eloquently and rightly put across in a balanced and proactive way. Others less so. It even seemed that the BBC in their efforts to get a balanced view were at times shooting themselves in the foot. You could sometimes see interviewers squirming out of embarrassment, that they were involved with airing some of the views for this same reason. The result for me was to feel consciously that maybe I should be sticking up for, if not for the church, but the communities of people I know make it up. Those who would probably have no problem with who I am but have been tarred with the same brush. Those who will make the difference in the longer term. What I think I'm trying to say is I am a lapsed Catholic, but it was/is still part of my history and in a sense my community. By all means put the arguments and protests forward in a proper way, but if you think just shouting loudest wins the contest either way, don't be surprised if people like me switch off.


"People are strange, when you're a stranger..."
To quote the Doors, probably badly. I have noticed recently, as my looks become slightly blurred, with the long dyed hair and plucked eyebrows, that I am getting more and more strange looks. Not that much of a problem for me but an observation. Also getting madamed a bit more in shops. The best being in a shoe shop with my wife and the assistant asking if you girls need any help? Something we laughed about afterwards.


Following My Conscience
OK I admit to being slightly intrigued by recent happenings/speeches/goings on and wonder if I should be listening to my conscience more? Trying to be out there doing stuff proactively TG wise is all well and good but not much use if I'm hiding who I am in my every day world. I don't mean by being out there in people's faces. More by being honest if someone asks. Stating who I am in a quiet way. Possibly that will have a greater effect. Making it more real out there, all round. A thought to think about anyway.

Time To Myself

Of sorts. Last week I decided I needed help. Things had been ticking over but not progressing. Life was getting to me slowly and affecting almost everything I did both at home and at work. Things were coming to a head work wise. Trying to run a service on the minimum resources necessary, putting myself and other things last to ensure the service ran well enough in the circumstances was taking its toll. Not in an instant, large, major way, but over the last three years, in minor ways. So minor they don't really register at the time but put them together over time and they have a big effect. Add to this all that has gone on at home over the years and I decided it was time to ask for help.

So I met with my manager and it was decided that I needed to take some time out and seek help. I work for a mental health charity so it was easier to talk about this and identify what I needed to do. The next day the GP signed me off for six weeks and I'm referring myself for some talking treatment, (Psychological Therapy or CBT if you prefer). That will take longer than the six weeks I'm off but it's a start. Work will check in once a week and I have contact with my manager if I need to. I am worried what will happen when I go back. Given the nature of the organisation, they will do what they can to see if any changes can be made to my working pattern etc, which has helped others I work with, but I am wary that the requirements of my particular post might not allow for as flexible an approach. I am worried that there may not be a job when I get back and the effects this and the time off will have on any future attempts to find work. Who'd have thought taking such positive action will in turn add to my concerns? To carry on as normal would have been worse I know in the long term.

Strangely I don't feel overly depressed. I recognise having had mild depression over a long period of time, years, possibly most of my adult life. That is the crux. Short term mild depression is more easily handled. Long term it eats away at you. I had coping mechanisms that just stopped working over the last year and a half. I need to discuss things and find new ones. Out of all this, one thing I said to my manager was being Transgender didn't seem to be one of the issues that scored highly as one of the current causes. Just goes to show that life carries on and affects everyone irrespective of who we are. My intentions over the next few weeks are to utilise them positively. Lots of things are crying out to be done around the house. A chance to spend some family time together. Time too to concentrate on some 'me' time. Here's to the unknown. Sometimes we have to take a step into the darkness to get to where we want to go.

Where do I fit in?

Not an unusual feeling for someone who is T I would imagine? Not something to feel guilty about, though should I feel guilty for stating it publicly here in my blog? A lifelong question. Is it unique to people like myself or a more general question asked by the rest of humankind? Needless to say it's a question I'm asking at the moment.

I have to admit...

... to be experiencing a few ups and downs at the moment. My long pauses between blogs here reflect my inability to put much in coherently at times. I start a blog, only to come back to edit it later before publishing and find it does seem to be, (to me), some self-centred, feeling sorry for myself, drivel. So I do the usual thing of letting the unpublished blog fester unedited, superseded by newer blogs, some of which get published, some not, before relegating them to the delete button, never to be seen again, (thank heavens!).

Something ain't right.

Jumping Ahead of Myself

Went out for a meal with the girls from work the other night. They asked what conference I was attending so I told them and that it was to help the LGBT group find out more about T issues. Though I didn't mention my personal reasons, wine was flowing and the conversation was getting in depth. I realise I was coming across with a lot of information about T issues. I had thought about this before going out and decided that if I was asked then I would tell them what conference I was going to. I'm uncertain if they will ask me if I am Transgender next week or whether they will choose not to in respect of my privacy. I do however feel safer with the immediate team and department around me and that they would keep such knowledge within the boundaries of the department. Its what they do work wise anyhow. Let's see.

The Acting Bug

... did indeed bite again, but sooner than I imagined. I made the mistake of getting back on stage almost immediately after the last time. It wasn't intentional as I thought I was helping the director have someone that others auditioning could read against. In the end I was offered a part. As much as I enjoyed it I also hated it. It again took up a lot of my time, away from home when I should have been supporting my wife and son. I just wasn't able to put the time and concentration I would usually put in as my mind was elsewhere, where I should have been. My part had a lot of monologues and the character went through a lot of changes. The play was a comedy but my part was the darker side which the comedy could play against. I found I was still scrabbling for my lines at times even at the dress rehearsal. On the plus side, to play such a role was great and demanding in itself paradoxically, if you didn't have all else going on in your life. I learnt a lot. The play went down well, I didn't mess up and I'm told people saw me differently and my acting ability in a new positive light. I just think now I'm going to take some time out, (is this deja vu?). New plays are auditioning soon and they do look fun, but my wife needs some space to do something at the theatre herself.

I am however involved behind the scenes elsewhere for a show currently running. Props and scene building. Again a lot to do. I'm not getting it completely right, but learning all the time and the play is running fine. Oh the joys of retrospect, for which knowledge I lacked before. Soon it will be time to strike the stage in readiness for the next production. A blank sheet.

LGBT Work

As you may know I am involved with the LGBT group in work, which is a new venture aimed at trying to get policies and procedures etc in place to support not only staff but the people who utilise our services. I was getting involved indirectly via the Equality and Diversity director, but I soon found it was difficult, wanting to say so much through a third party and quickly. So I arranged to meet the group Chair outside the office to discuss this and my reasons for wanting to join the group. Since then I have been attending the group meetings. I'm listed on the minutes as attending etc, which I don't strangely have a problem with. But what is not listed at the moment is that I'm the Transgender Lead. This is in part because I am still slightly insecure about this, but also because other leads feel similarly. It is an all or no-one listed kind of list. Though I have to admit I'm coming round to the idea. The director I used to liaise through said she admired me for openly joining within the group. I do feel safe within it as we all respect each other.

I am at present the only T person there, hence my role within the group. I realise just how much I don't know about T issues even though I am myself. Perhaps more though than the rest of the group. It's been interesting trying to just come up with definitions etc and seeing what other people assume. I do at times manage to stop myself from sounding like the only Trans person in the village, or like that scene in the Life of Brian in the Colosseum, (sometimes it is so difficult to avoid however).

I felt had to explain to my line manager what I was doing and why. She has been marvellously accepting and thanked me for feeling able to be open to her about it. It is something which is being kept in confidence.

This is a big task for me. I'm working in a not for profit organisation so some of what I do will have implications on the services and support we offer across England. Working for such an organisation in the current financial situation, means I have to concentrate mostly on keeping the team I lead as an ongoing concern and seen as something valuable to the organisation, before I can allot time to the LGBT stuff. A lot of juggling is needed. My role is changing irrespective of my time within the LGBT group and needs to for reasons said before. But this is also important to me. Time to spend additional time outside work if necessary.

Conferences

Not the best at going to these kind of things anyway, as I always feel so uncomfortable with the breaks in between. The bits where everyone is in the same room wandering about, looking at stalls, politely smiling at each other. Unless you are a seasoned conference go-er or have arranged to go with Someone else, these bits can be so demanding.

I had one of those days yesterday. I'd arranged to attend the Trans Community conference in London for reasons in part I'll explain in my next post probably. Anyhow I was presenting in male mode as I wasn't sure if there were going to be changing facilities, but opted for "Grace" on my name tag as I was in all intent and purposes going in this mindset anyway and who knows I might bump into someone I knew.

I was in two minds about what to go and see. Pressure was in part to go to the organisational related seminars, but I had paid to go myself and perhaps I might indulge myself too? In the end I opted for the former and found out some more about the up coming Equality Bill and creating Trans inclusion policies in Health etc. I was intending to go to another but it was one of those double seminar ones which throws out your other choices. Something which we were told we had to commit to, so I reluctantly opted to leave the room before it started. This resulted in me wandering for a while, slightly miffed that I might be wasting an hour and a half before the next seminar. Jay Stewart at Gendered Intelligence was kind enough to suggest I went to the Voices in Poetry, (one of the ones I was thinking of going to for me personally previous). Jay explained though it was the second part of a double seminar it wasn't connected. So I went upstairs and there waiting at the door was Rebbecca welcoming me in. It was a great seminar/workshop with lots to learn breathing wise etc and we arranged as a group to perform two poems at the end of the day. Oh how I wish I had just in part some of Rebecca's confidence, stance and demeanor, She came across as a lovey person. I met some lovely people in that group. One or two I know elsewhere on the interweb, but I wasn't sure whether to say hello as it may be the wrong thing to do and I was in male mode as well. If they are reading this, apologies I'm exceedingly shy as well in these situations, I wasn't being intentionally rude. That was fun. In the performance we were also encouraged to show how to make silent sounds with our lips and open sounds, like a horse and a motorbike. It did anyway go down well.

It was nice as well to finally meet some transmen too. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Kicking myself about my inability to network outside the seminars, saying some ridiculous things when I tried and even dropping a cup of coffee during one conversation. Heavens! Glad I didn't change there though as there was a bit of a rush to get us out and going out in public is something I have yet to do.

The Internal Knot

There is, it seems, an internal knot, a piece of string that starts off small but grows longer over time. It gets jiggled about by external motion and bounces around against internal restraints. As with any free moving piece of string, this will, eventually, over time, become entangled with itself and other items within reach of it, perhaps many times over. So what to do when things get too tangled? When things feel so taught that the string may snap. When things are so entangled, different pieces of the string may be tournacating others unrelated to them.

The urge is to tug at it sharply in order to remove it quickly, but that can result in the knot becoming more taught and more tightly entrenched. Or breaks the string altogether leaving rough, untidy, frayed remnants and two unconnected pieces.

We sometimes start at any random point and to try and unravel the piece of string. That, though satisfying, may be causing unseen entanglement elsewhere which will come to light as you reach that part of the string.

At other times we choose to have no more truck with trying to sort out the entanglement and opt instead to cut it out all together and then either tie the loose ends together, or leave them to float freely. The string is then incomplete and weakened within its structure and its fibres no longer intertwined.

With space and time set aside, sometimes we can look at the knot(s) and string in its entirety. This enables us to make a more educated guess at where to start and to plan for any additional snarl ups further down the process. It can be a meticulous, time consuming project. One which sometimes requires the assistance of others, some with expertise and experience in this particular dexterous field. When the string is looser we often feel like there is no more need to continue the detangle. This though may result in an earlier return to the entangled stage than expected.

As an analogy this seemed pretty pertinent to me at the time I was typing it. Looking at it now, Is it too convoluted or just plain daft? I'm putting it up anyway. Who knows.

Education in life

I'm worried and disappointed with yesterday's decision regarding the BSF scheme. Living in the borough which rated lowest in the UK for pupil/parent choice for prospective secondary schools and one which I note has almost all its BSF schemes stopped, I have to ask why? Is this a return to make do and say nothing in schools full of cramped classrooms not fit for purpose? I respect the need to reduce uneccessary spending and beaurocracy, but what is the goverment going to put in place, if at all, that will make this generation of children, have a sense of self worth and positive direction? Shame on the government for hitting those not yet old enough to have a voice in the voting system.

Get Knitted!

Just a trivial post to start off. Tried my hand at knitting today at a lunchtime workshop in work. Haven't done anything like this since I was but a youngster with my Mum. It was very addictive, though my work in progress wasn't brilliant, I think if this becomes a regular thing in work I could become hooked, (shouldn't that be crochet?). A great opportunity to have a natter as well as seeing some of the great things you can make! As I was in Bob mode, quite happy to be the only man there and the girls were very patient with me. Just have to learn not to stick my tongue out of the corner of my mouth when concentrating!

New look...

...for the site. A bit of fun and I like the changes. Just a bit fresher.

Still Here?

Still Standing!

Just popping in. Two months is a long time to be away. I'm fine. A little bruised emotionally and confused about a whole gamut of things happening around me. Got a bit to update you on as well. But not just yet. Need some time and space to put things down. I'll be back soon.

Too much going on?

I do get the impression that may be the case at the moment. I'm used to having the odd major thing happening, but to have so much in one period of time is disconcerting in a sense. Luckily such alignments only happen rarely in a lifetime, so I'm strangely laid back. Not in a lassez faire kind of way, but more keeping calm because I need to be. A clearer head always works best in these circumstances. I'm always strangely reassured in how I react in these circumstances. An instinctive innate sense of calm in order see the storms, (if you can call them that), through. So different to how I react to the little mundane things, life's minor irritations. I am worried about others around me however and I'm looking out as best I can. I won't say more as I don't need to at present. Rest assured if I need to offload I will here. Thanks for the comments and support on some of the issues, I really appreciate them.

Ohhhhh Heck!

And that's putting it mildly!

We found out today the proposed choice of secondary school for my son. Not first, not second but fifth! This really feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. The primary school he has been in hasn't built upon the aspiring, young man, who was eager to learn and was reading and more when he first started with them six years ago. It isn't a great school though they claim otherwise. There was hope and talk that going to a good secondary school would be just a matter of course, but it seems that isn't so. The school offered is awful we find after visiting and applying, so too late to change our minds. No way is he going there. He feels a failure now, though we tell him it is the system, not him who has failed. Any motivation he has is slipping away slowly. So much pressure, discouragement and internal angst for someone only 10 years of age.

My wife and I now have to search for other options and soon. Can we afford private ed? Are there any sponsorships out there? Is home education an option until something appropriate and constructive turns up?

We also need to make sure our son feels loved and worth so much more than his weight in gold. This is a pivotal moment for him. How he and us handle it could be so crucial for the young man he is to become. Tomorrow he has to go to school and face probably the taunts of his peers because of the school he has been offered, some luckier than he is I know, others in the same boat.

Sometimes the system stares blankly in your face while it continues on its way, oblivious to all. How you react, is what makes you stronger. Finding ways to overcome those boundaries the system places in your way is what makes you adaptable. We've played by the rules though many parents may not have in order to get their child where they want. That makes me proud despite of the situation we are in now. Hope is still there that something good will come of this.

Dydd Gwyl Dewi Sant Hapus!

Or Happy Saint David's Day if you prefer.

The production is now over and while I recover from the closing night party all I am looking forward to is sleep... Lots of it! I'm too tired to shave my beard today, but it is definitely coming off tomorrow. The play got rave reviews, "One of the best productions by the company" which is high praise indeed. Got a few positive compliments myself which I am trying hard to accept. I find I am a little self critical but it is nice to get compliments all the same. The whole cast were exceptionally strong.

So now back to normality. The past week and the play has in itself provided some kind of respite from the previous week's trials. I have gained some strength from my initial coping strategies, which I never realised were in place until now. I do however realise that they are just ways of coping and not for building positively in the longer term. To just rely on them would allow them to be unpicked or chipped away at until they became ineffective. There is a level of uncertainty about. Some things have definitely moved forward, (sorry for those who hate that term), others are in a state of limbo. Let's wait, stay calm, collected and see.

When the Boundaries Between Myth and Reality Become Blurred

If you were to know me in my male persona, you might understand where this is all coming from. The play I'm about to be in covers some serious issues like rape, violent physical abuse and emotional manipulation. It is of course quite demanding simply by being part of the cast alone. It will definitely make the audience think.

This is my first real foray into grown up theatre and a social outlet for me which I haven't had for many years. As such I have really immersed myself into as much as I can, helping out behind the scenes as well. Given the nature of the play it has taken a lot of time to put together and inevitably if we finish before closing we end up in the pub to unwind and discuss what we have just done. As opening night draws ever closer the time asked of us increases and I have been out of the house a lot. Many things I would usually do have been put to one side, (even the brief times as Grace). I have intimated before, being away is causing some tension at home, though I have tried to include my wife and son where I can.

I wont go into more personal details as it isn't really appropriate. What I am trying to say is today a lot of things came to the fore personally. Old demons and current ones, repressed, denied, in your face ones all seem to be yelling for attention today. Most I think I have a handle on, have accepted and hopefully built positively on. So much though seemed to be there chronologically and a few more puzzle pieces fell into place even though they were there in plain view all along. That is weird but again rational depending on what your viewpoint is.

So what were these demons? Am I simply over connecting with the play and allowing myth to become part of my reality? I'm not talking about physical, sexual, or violent abuse. More emotional manipulation over a long period of time. Something just as real. Much was skillfully resolved a few years ago with some professional guidance personally and I recognise where I sit within the context of the whole thing most of the time. Dynamics though have changed slightly and I think I am becoming a focus once more for others. What is different today is that I am aware of it and how it fits into the whole context of my life. But is this just because of the issues I am dealing with in the play? Would I be feeling like this if say the content of the play was completely different? If so, what do I do? Do I suggest to these (this?) other(s) that we do something positive to try and resolve it? Will they want to? That is an important question. I do. If they don't, there are some uncomfortable decisions I may have to try and make and a long road to travel either way.

Cause for Concern

Only a week to go till curtain up and not much time to do much else apart from attend rehearsals and prepare for the play. This however is causing some friction at home as I'm not about much. I can appreciate the difficulties it causes as I have been there myself when my wife has forayed onto the stage as well and I am then at home with the childcare duties. Still it is going to take some bridge building this way round I fear.

So two weeks from now it will be a chance to get back to some normality. To pick up the pieces where I can and concentrate on the other things that are important to me. I'm also counting the days to when I can shave off this "trimmed" beard. Different though it is, my choice to accept the request to grow it, and l have to admit looks the part, I am looking forward to seeing me, in balance, again in the mirror, looking back.

Sometimes I despair...

...I really do. I think I can understand the sentiment behind some recent comments about someone I know only vaguely. She is not doing herself any favours admittedly, nor the TG cause in a wider public sense. Having said that when I have ever chatted to her she has only ever appeared to be polite and nice to talk to. So what am I despairing about? The reaction by some other people to instantly use derogatory remarks about her supposed level of mental well being. She may be unwell, I have no idea. But those who do use these terms have no idea of the damage they are causing in the wider world themselves and in turn are not doing the TG cause any favours either. You would think perhaps those of us in the TG world world have a greater empathy to not use such language. Sadly it doesn't and simply reflects the wide range of people that make up the TG conglomerate. Vive la difference so long as it is within reason it seems. If not let's treat it like grown ups and see if there is a better way of expressing our concerns I say.

Interesting quote

which I saw the other day in the centre of town...

"Be the change you want to see" Mahatma Ghandi

That's it.

I am erring on the side of caution though work wise I've decided. See how it works and move forward when the time is right for all concerned and only if necessary.

Image is Everything...

...but at the moment I don't think I've got it. Eddie Izzard once said there is a very fine line between looking good and looking like a d***head. At the moment I'm having such issues. This week I've agreed to grow some stubble/beard to see if the look will be right for the up coming production I'm going to be in. Ok for a start that will mean any time en femme will be a little tainted but it will only be for a few weeks before getting back to normal so is worth it for me as far as I am concerned. Anyhow I digress. This means, four days in sans shave and with my hair the length it is, I realise I look like Frank Gallagher out of Shameless. Quelle Horruer! This does however explain Why I'm being shadowed by security in nearly every shop I go into and being followed by our local Community Officers recently. How we suffer for our art eh? I hope I can at least negotiate a slight trim and shape by the end of the week!

Realising a Childhood Dream...

...and making me a very happy grown up. OK this may not appear to be all that connected to being transgender, but tonight I had a lot of fun and it really was fun. Oh Yes!

I'm doing some Am Dram at the moment and part of the play I'm in requires me to do some sword fighting. Tonight was the first rehearsal doing this. It is all choreographed by someone who does this for a living, so we are doing this proper for best effect. One childhood dream has just been realised and I'm loving it!

Work and the Modern Girl

The LGBT group in work has had its first meeting and the director overseeing it, true to her word, has kept me informed and I'm going to get indirectly involved in order to put some T perspective and input to it. Part of me feels I would really like to actually attend the meetings but that would involve some risk. Not necessarily with the other group members who I feel I could trust, but with the rest of my office. It is my team's job to know what is going on in the organisation and the meeting itself is on the main floor of the office which would require walking past everyone I know. It wouldn't take too long for people to put two and two together. The majority I know could handle it. One or two, from hearing past comments about other T people, would find me abhorrent, putting it mildly.

I think if I was on my own I could live with that, but again I have to consider my wife and son. Which brings me to wondering if I should ask my wife for permission to do this, or to keep things as an indirect contribution. To ask permission may sound abhorrent to some who think it is my life and I should do as I choose. Yes perhaps, but it has consequences on those who I love and I have to discuss it at the very least. This group is being set up in part to address these very issues as well as other more wide ranging ones. If my wife is uncomfortable then I will understand but I will still have the indirect input. A smaller step perhaps but a step all the same.

Promotion...

...of sorts, but not at work. Over the years my feminine side has been brought into the fore in moments of banter etc between my wife and I. Comments like "oooh bitch!" and "n'ah girlfriend!" are common usage by my wife at these times . Though you have to understand they are good humoured... well most of the time anyway. The other day a new line had been crossed with... "You think so sister!", followed by a look of instant recognition that this was something new and looking at me to see if I had picked up the same. Of course I had. I was ecstatic, internally you understand, but I just gave a knowing smile back. Little things. Little things.

Dance of Many Veils

Indeed it is. Many sides to us, many veils, choreographed into a sensual graceful piece of performance which we put on for the world around us. Deciding how much to show the world, a little delectation, how much not to show as too much will loose the mystique in its entirety. Occasionally we may loose concentration and slip, stumble, step out of time to the music. We fumble, grab at the falling veil(s) twisting, unnaturally contorting to ensure the dance can continue.

This isn't my second blog of the year. It is in fact my third. The second now deleted, never published, was started over a week ago. Prompted mostly by watching "The Hours". A film I would recommend but only when you are feeling at your best. I so needed to out pour my feelings afterwards. It took a few days to get back on kilter. Made me think about my failings as a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, a human being at times, exacerbated by physical health problems in recent years to which I am now cursed(?) no... tied, scrub that... living with. Sometimes writing it down is the best tonic. It doesn't have to be published. Putting it into context, realising it is part of the impetus, the drive, for the dance of life which we put on for the world around us to see, is what gives it the gravitas, the feeling, understanding and empathy that needs to be conveyed, without leaving too much on show and enough for the imagination to delight in.

And so the dance goes on...

Now can anyone explain how you are supposed to keep the jewel in your belly button without it popping out?

Resolute About Resolutions...

...that I for one won't necessarily be making any just for the sake of it being New Year. What happens for the other 364 days of the year? I can't help however, looking back over the past twelve months, no decade, as people are pointing out and seeing what has happened to me and my family. This in turn is making me look at where we are now and naturally my thoughts are looking at what may happen in the future. So in this respect I concede there may be an opportunity to 'tweak' my aspirations and goals, but not in the concrete sense that the term 'resolution' intimates. Who knows what may be ahead? What life will throw at us? And how we will react to this when it happens? I can see what has been put in place to affect me this year, mostly positive, some needs strengthening after the trials of 2009. Sources of some external support I really haven't relied upon as much as I feel I have outgrown them in a way. That doesn't deny the great support they gave or might give in the future, but for now they are not as relevant to me and haven't adapted, dare I say it aren't as flexible to do so once someone has a modicum of confidence about who they are. Support for me is coming from closer to home. That is what I need to concentrate on I feel, as it appears to be also offering an opportunity to offer support back in whatever small way.

My life is unique, in much the same way as yours is unique. Never quite the same from person to person. I've got a lot of work to do this year/decade. Things to try and change. Things to bolster. Other things to let go. Some will be hard as I have become accustomed to living in a surreptitiously destructive way at times, inactive and often wasting precious time. I need time to relax, to be me as well. Keep looking for balance. Others are relying on me too.

Enough meandering through my thoughts for now. Not sure if it is making sense. Happy New Year. Be happy. Have fun if you can.