Having a moment

There are times, I'm sure when we all have a run of things that happen in the short space of time, which, shall we say, we need a moment or two to step away from all that is going on around you, take a deep breath and gather our thoughts. All very inconsequential when looked at individually. However, the randomness of chance means that occasionally a deluge hits us and we struggle to keep our head above water as wave after wave rolls towards us. Such a day for me was last Friday. Probably very inconsequential when you look at what other people have to contend with. But I needed some brief time away to gather my thoughts, take stock and move on positively. Allow me a moment to self indulge my darker side and offload a little. I won't go on too much. Honest! A lot of the stuff I won't even mention as it is just too dull.

The Thing and I
To update you on the thing, or growth on my thumb, (by the way I'm not far off giving it a name like Dave or something similar!). A week before Easter I went back to my G.P. The growth was getting bigger, weeping even more and seemed to be getting infected. I was prescribed antibiotics and some antiseptic wash for it, which has helped put things back to normal. Well as normal as a growth on your thumb could be. It gave me a chance though to ask the questions I wanted to ask first time round but didn't get the chance. Questions like what did they think it could be? The answer I got was a Granuloma, or kind of benign tumor. Of course they cannot be absolutely certain until the little so and so is taken off and they have run tests on it. Fine. This is pretty much what I thought it might be, following my trawl of the Internet recently. If it doesn't get any worse it can wait for my initial appointment at the hospital. If it does get worse then my GP will try and push for a quicker referral. I'm of the frame of mind that is better to not worry too much when I don't know the full details yet. I'm restricted by waiting for my appointment and staying positive is going to be more beneficial. Besides other people tell me they have had similar things removed and it is no big-ee.

Last Friday we got a call from the hospital. I had been referred to the wrong department. Instead I need to go to the "Hand Clinic" and will have to wait another two weeks. The simplistic term for the clinic had me a little concerned. Shouldn't there be some kind of generic medispeak title? As I type I'm seeing a funny side to this. Oh the possibilities to put in some double-intendres! " Madam! Is this the Hand Clinic? Well I'm in some discomfort with this unexpected growth and I'm looking for some relief!" But I won't go there ;-) Needless to say I had a lot to ask to make sure this time I was going to the right place this time. I was assured it was and that with the new electronic referrals from GPs it isn't unusual for mistakes like this to take place.

Needless to say I was a little perplexed. Both annoyed, confused, scared and upset. I was in work at the time and needed some time to take stock. We are right next to the Thames near to the centre of Town, so I went for a short walk and sat down on a bench, overlooking prominent landmarks and watching the boats go past. I didn't know whether to get angry or to cry. As I said before, at the back of my mind is the fact my father died three years older than I am now from cancer. Will this delay be detrimental? In the end I rang my wife and explained the situation then sat quietly for a while. Not so much a "puling myself together" kind of thing as that I think is more denial and can be negative. More putting things into context. At the moment it doesn't look like it is something to worry too much about. Yes I'm being messed about, but what will getting angry achieve? So I wait. This will be an initial consultation too so there will be more time before it is removed. I am so much hoping it doesn't clash with my brother's wedding abroad, who I haven't seen in over three years. Time will see. I went back to work a little clearer headed and able to cope with the demands and people I talk to. Sometimes some time out is what is needed. I don't do it often but recognise the times that I need to.

That's it. I've waffled and off loaded. The other stuff that added to this moment are the usual day to day stuff just that they arrived one after the other. Even more boring than this stuff I've typed here now. So I wont go into them.

Take it easy and have fun whatever you are doing!

Flower Power

Just thought I would share this with you. A moment that probably might seem inconsequential at first but something for me which was one that touched me so deeply and will be something I'll probably never forget.

The moment in question...? My wife bought me a single white rose.

"Not red?" I hear you ask. No. Not red. I don't particularly have an affinity with red roses which my wife understands. Life is like a rose. There are so many colours and variations to be found. Look around and you will see. Red is not the only colour.

Back to why this meant so much. It wasn't a big occasion. There wasn't anything behind it, (say to soften me up perhaps so I will agree to look after Junior while my wife has a girls' night out). It was bought on impulse, (which in my opinion makes it even more special) and simply to say she loves me. That you might think is more than enough to mean so much. But there was more that made it so, so special.

When my wife gave me the rose in the quiet and unassuming way that she did, my heart skipped a beat. And with that skip I all at once experienced so much. So much so, that the brief internal silence echoed in the way that an all encompassing silence can and resonates with me still and will probably never leave me. This moment touched me on so many levels. It connected with me as a whole person. Something that is very rare for me as someone experiencing life somewhere on the transgendered scale. Yes there was so much that meant a lot to me as Grace, the feminine appreciation that my wife had bought me a beautiful flower and all that goes with it internally. But there was also the connection to me as a husband, a partner. The fact that she felt comfortable to give me the rose, knowing I wouldn't be squirming in macho discomfort when she did. The fact that I didn't feel uncomfortable, but instead very, very touched.

At that moment I felt whole. I recognised the complete me, however briefly it was and however deeply I usually keep it psychologically and socially buried. I saw who I am completely. I just don't show it or experience it often. Just very rarely, at times like this I am me, neither feminine or masculine, but both experienced alongside one another. Complete.

Soppy? Romantic? Plain mixed up and in need of some therapy? Perhaps. It is so difficult to explain this from the point of view of someone like myself living life in a transgendered way. It is hard enough having to experience it first hand. So explaining what it is like to live within blurred gender boundaries to someone else, can come across as confusing.

It meant a lot. I think you can gather that and maybe some of you may identify with this. A special moment that will be with me for time to come. I need to reciprocate and buy my wife some flowers too. To show her just how special she is.