Interesting quote

which I saw the other day in the centre of town...

"Be the change you want to see" Mahatma Ghandi

That's it.

I am erring on the side of caution though work wise I've decided. See how it works and move forward when the time is right for all concerned and only if necessary.

Image is Everything...

...but at the moment I don't think I've got it. Eddie Izzard once said there is a very fine line between looking good and looking like a d***head. At the moment I'm having such issues. This week I've agreed to grow some stubble/beard to see if the look will be right for the up coming production I'm going to be in. Ok for a start that will mean any time en femme will be a little tainted but it will only be for a few weeks before getting back to normal so is worth it for me as far as I am concerned. Anyhow I digress. This means, four days in sans shave and with my hair the length it is, I realise I look like Frank Gallagher out of Shameless. Quelle Horruer! This does however explain Why I'm being shadowed by security in nearly every shop I go into and being followed by our local Community Officers recently. How we suffer for our art eh? I hope I can at least negotiate a slight trim and shape by the end of the week!

Realising a Childhood Dream...

...and making me a very happy grown up. OK this may not appear to be all that connected to being transgender, but tonight I had a lot of fun and it really was fun. Oh Yes!

I'm doing some Am Dram at the moment and part of the play I'm in requires me to do some sword fighting. Tonight was the first rehearsal doing this. It is all choreographed by someone who does this for a living, so we are doing this proper for best effect. One childhood dream has just been realised and I'm loving it!

Work and the Modern Girl

The LGBT group in work has had its first meeting and the director overseeing it, true to her word, has kept me informed and I'm going to get indirectly involved in order to put some T perspective and input to it. Part of me feels I would really like to actually attend the meetings but that would involve some risk. Not necessarily with the other group members who I feel I could trust, but with the rest of my office. It is my team's job to know what is going on in the organisation and the meeting itself is on the main floor of the office which would require walking past everyone I know. It wouldn't take too long for people to put two and two together. The majority I know could handle it. One or two, from hearing past comments about other T people, would find me abhorrent, putting it mildly.

I think if I was on my own I could live with that, but again I have to consider my wife and son. Which brings me to wondering if I should ask my wife for permission to do this, or to keep things as an indirect contribution. To ask permission may sound abhorrent to some who think it is my life and I should do as I choose. Yes perhaps, but it has consequences on those who I love and I have to discuss it at the very least. This group is being set up in part to address these very issues as well as other more wide ranging ones. If my wife is uncomfortable then I will understand but I will still have the indirect input. A smaller step perhaps but a step all the same.

Promotion...

...of sorts, but not at work. Over the years my feminine side has been brought into the fore in moments of banter etc between my wife and I. Comments like "oooh bitch!" and "n'ah girlfriend!" are common usage by my wife at these times . Though you have to understand they are good humoured... well most of the time anyway. The other day a new line had been crossed with... "You think so sister!", followed by a look of instant recognition that this was something new and looking at me to see if I had picked up the same. Of course I had. I was ecstatic, internally you understand, but I just gave a knowing smile back. Little things. Little things.

Dance of Many Veils

Indeed it is. Many sides to us, many veils, choreographed into a sensual graceful piece of performance which we put on for the world around us. Deciding how much to show the world, a little delectation, how much not to show as too much will loose the mystique in its entirety. Occasionally we may loose concentration and slip, stumble, step out of time to the music. We fumble, grab at the falling veil(s) twisting, unnaturally contorting to ensure the dance can continue.

This isn't my second blog of the year. It is in fact my third. The second now deleted, never published, was started over a week ago. Prompted mostly by watching "The Hours". A film I would recommend but only when you are feeling at your best. I so needed to out pour my feelings afterwards. It took a few days to get back on kilter. Made me think about my failings as a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, a human being at times, exacerbated by physical health problems in recent years to which I am now cursed(?) no... tied, scrub that... living with. Sometimes writing it down is the best tonic. It doesn't have to be published. Putting it into context, realising it is part of the impetus, the drive, for the dance of life which we put on for the world around us to see, is what gives it the gravitas, the feeling, understanding and empathy that needs to be conveyed, without leaving too much on show and enough for the imagination to delight in.

And so the dance goes on...

Now can anyone explain how you are supposed to keep the jewel in your belly button without it popping out?

Resolute About Resolutions...

...that I for one won't necessarily be making any just for the sake of it being New Year. What happens for the other 364 days of the year? I can't help however, looking back over the past twelve months, no decade, as people are pointing out and seeing what has happened to me and my family. This in turn is making me look at where we are now and naturally my thoughts are looking at what may happen in the future. So in this respect I concede there may be an opportunity to 'tweak' my aspirations and goals, but not in the concrete sense that the term 'resolution' intimates. Who knows what may be ahead? What life will throw at us? And how we will react to this when it happens? I can see what has been put in place to affect me this year, mostly positive, some needs strengthening after the trials of 2009. Sources of some external support I really haven't relied upon as much as I feel I have outgrown them in a way. That doesn't deny the great support they gave or might give in the future, but for now they are not as relevant to me and haven't adapted, dare I say it aren't as flexible to do so once someone has a modicum of confidence about who they are. Support for me is coming from closer to home. That is what I need to concentrate on I feel, as it appears to be also offering an opportunity to offer support back in whatever small way.

My life is unique, in much the same way as yours is unique. Never quite the same from person to person. I've got a lot of work to do this year/decade. Things to try and change. Things to bolster. Other things to let go. Some will be hard as I have become accustomed to living in a surreptitiously destructive way at times, inactive and often wasting precious time. I need time to relax, to be me as well. Keep looking for balance. Others are relying on me too.

Enough meandering through my thoughts for now. Not sure if it is making sense. Happy New Year. Be happy. Have fun if you can.