Advent Calendar 24

Technically, I suppose, this is the little double window, the pinnacle we have been drawing up to over the weeks. The final day of Advent. Always a bit of a let down as tomorrow is really the day we are waiting for isn't it? It is however the day we as children were told to go to bed early and get a good night's sleep. So the double window is really the first sign that things are going to change soon, so by the end of the day we are so wound up and exhausted from the final day's preparations, we are ready for bed. As adults we do the things expected of adults to prepare the house for Father Christmas' silent visit and wait for the first stirrings of dawn and the inevitable early start.

So what has this calendar been preparing for? I'm not sure. Perhaps a way of encouraging me to put something down each day? To acknowledge this side to me on a daily basis and how it sits within my daily routines? Because it does. To deny this side to me is not helpful. Things become too one sided and imposing, dark and claustrophobic. What has this month come before? That is for tomorrow to find out! A portent or many portents in the same way as the last 24 this month. I feel positive for the near future. There will be the usual trials of life, but I am hopeful that this balance will become even more ingrained. Time to start putting more back into my life again if I can.

Advent Calendar 23

Last day at work. Nursing sore heads, myself and my colleagues got into work ready to get as much out of the way before the holidays. Alas that wasn't to be as our IT systems kept going down over the entire day. We couldn't get much done at all. Parlour games crept into the day to ease the slow quiet monotony of it all. Christmas was definitely not far away. Though I have to admit I have now overdone it on the old charades etc and will wince if anyone suggests them over the holidays.

We apologise for the current loss of blog...

...which is due to unforeseen circumstances beyond our control. Normal services will be resumed shortly. Ahem... once I get rid of this self induced headache.

Advent Calendar 22

Ah! That's better!

The day before yesterday was Christmas lunch day. Which turned into an afternoon and then evening. The lunch was not the usual Christmas fayre. It was decided that we go to a tapas restaurant instead. It was very nice and there was more than enough to feed our appetites. We then went on to a pub which specialised in serving cheese, which was different and strangely a good evening, (don't knock it unless you've tried it).

I was the only male amongst ten women and yes I enjoyed the different dynamics of the whole day. Quite a different sort of experience. For a start with the longer hair etc, at a glance I seemed to blend in to the outside eye and was often referred to as Madam/Miss or one of the ladies by the staff that served us. Eventually that was amended as time went on. My colleagues found this quite funny of course. I said I didn't mind, which of course I didn't. The whole feel of the day was different. The conversation etc was, as to be expected, decidedly feminine in its approach. I don't mean girly. I mean conversation dynamics etc, mature, open and inclusive. My colleagues didn't feel uncomfortable enough with me in their midst to not be. I loved it, learnt a lot and soaked up the whole thing. As I said to a colleague the next day who asked if I felt uncomfortable being the only man there, "This may seem a strange answer, but it was nice to be one of the girls."

Advent Calendar 21

Back in work and nothing really said about my new hair colour. Wasn't really expecting much else. My team were out of the office visiting another service, so I spent most of the day on my own, talking to people over the phone and watching the snow fall outside late afternoon, over the Thames. Tomorrow... Christmas lunch as well, so a chance to relax a tad. Missed two chances for Christmas get togethers so far this year. Third time lucky perhaps.

Top tip of the day... Don't take the weather forecast at face value in the morning. Ended up walking a fair distance tonight from the train station when ordinarily I would take a bus. The heavy snow had slowed all the traffic down and walking was exceedingly quicker. Nothing much to worry about except I wasn't in the right foot attire. Red baseball boots do not do the same job as my faithful walking boots. As they soaked in the water I recalled the information passed on to me during a school field trip in my youth. Keep moving as the body temperature will adjust the temperature of the clothing around the feet. And whaddayaknow? It worked! I also kept myself moving forward the ongoing momentum seemed to counteract the fact my shoes had no grip at all. However on getting home and stopping suddenly my feet transformed to cold lumps of ice. Shoes, soggy socks and tights were a devil to take off. Tomorrow even though it may not look great I'm wearing my trusty boots which only come out in such weather and have done me proud over the years.

Advent Calendar 20

There are certain things that in my life I have made a mental note, that are of paramount importance, and worthy of passing on to my offspring. This year has marked three such things. One was handed down to me by my father, the other two not sadly, but I'm sure he would have done given the chance. The first is the original Blues Brothers, which went down well. The second was Monty Python's Flying Circus TV series of which my son enjoyed the animations best. Finally tonight was Monty Python & The Holy Grail. I have realised in doing so that these may not result in instant epiphanies of humour. Much went way over his head and some was quite boring for him, much in the same way as it did for me at the same age as I recall. But he has tested the waters and felt comfortable paddling in such humour. I know he will return one day to revisit these in his own time and of his own cognition. Mother's and daughters form a bond of trust talking honestly woman to woman. Do men form a bond through humour quoting things like "No Ma'am we're Musicians", "We are the Knights who say Ni!", or, "Nobody suspects the Spanish Inquisition!"? Over simplified I realise. I know plenty of men who have honest conversations with their mums and many women who hold their own in quoting comedy lines till the cows come home. But you know what I mean. In the years to come there will be more to pass on of such importance if I get the chance. "That's my boy!"

Advent Calendar 19

Today I have had my hair done in readiness for Christmas. As you may know over the past year and a bit I have been growing my hair, which is still a work in progress, down to my shoulders, but would still like another inch or two. Today however as discussed with my stylist last time I have opted to go for a darker brown, this time permanent which suits the stay fastness of my natural grey hair, in contrast to the previous semi permanent golden blond. I like it. It now looks a lot like my old wig did colour wise and I think all round reflects the balance of who I am. When I look in the mirror I see both sides to me, male and female and see the balance in harmony. I also feel good. The last traces of grey are gone, not a bad thing per say as it will be a look I'm sure I'll return to when it is appropriate, but for now this is me. Worth the extra expense. A new avatar here will be posted in time. At present I don't have the opportunity to be in a position go femme, as it is a busy time. Let's see what they say in work on Monday! My wife likes it.

Advent Calendar 18

Quite a slow drawn out day today. Felt like Wednesday rather than a Friday and I still expect to wake tomorrow feeling like I should go to work. Have to stop talking about tomorrow before it has even happened that just goes to show how dull it has been today and quiet too. Till tomorrow...

But... Was looking at something today by Stonewall in Scotland about Transgender Support in the Workplace. A lot was about support for people who are, have or intend to transition, but a part was about people like me and what employers could do to support us within their workplace. It appeared to be outside current legislation but encouraged this way of thinking anyway. Anyhow it rang a bell and reflected I think what I am asking of my own workplace at the moment. To recognise that within he workforce there are TG people who don't identify as TS, who are happy to live in their birth gender etc most of the time and don't feel the need to be out, for both personal and possible negative reactions. That they should encourage education within the workforce and put in place a TG champion, to create a safer environment, whether people come out or not, as it helps to create less perceived difficulties on the part of the individual. Not sure I'm making sense. if you know the publication I mean you will understand. I am of course going to recommend the piece in work when the opportunity arises. Rang a few bells with me and clarified some of what I am looking for support wise out of the fog that is the closeted TG person who would like to see/do more but remain anonymous.

Advent Calendar 17

Am Draming it tonight and a rather peculiar experience of finding out how I was to die. Several run throughs and different means were just a start I think and interesting. No time to ham it up, no time to not react. I realise just how good my fellow actors are, the experience, the subtlety, the menace, cold emotion and anger to name some of the things I was playing against tonight. Heck I have a lot to learn to get anywhere near that level. And I am quickly learning not to diss AmDram too quickly before trying it first.

Advent Calendar 16

The little devil inside has to be allowed to stretch her legs occasionally. Today was just one of those days she slipped out. It was quiet work wise except for a very large number of sales calls, many of whom were trying to get past me and onto someone else. Usually I handle these with the same courtesy and level of professionalism as I would any call. But today by the afternoon I had enough. Enough of people trying to be ace sales people, bending the truth so they can be passed on within the organisation. Enough of people calling me because they can't get hold of someone else and thinking I can put them through, (derrrrrr I'm going to be dialling the same number they just tried!). Enough of dealing with this rubbish when I should be doing something more important and of use to people, but instead can't because these people are blocking the line. So.... I may have teased them a bit, given them false hope on more than one occasion and to top it all decided to be just as sarcastic back to one girl who thought herself to be above everyone else. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow but just for today for the sake of my sanity! I recommend it just once.

Advent Calendar 15

Little things can sometimes complete a part of the jigsaw of life, making you feel complete and at peace with the world. For me tonight it was finally finding a copy of Kinky Boots by Honor Blackman and Patrick MacKnee to download. Like I said little things!

Advent Calendar 14

Director of ER got back to me today an said she would try and accommodate my request to get involved. Not quite sure how I originally came across as she seemed to think my need for confidentiality constituted a personal dilemma. Anyhow I replied it wasn't really and just a way of life to which I was used and comfortable with. But she did say she would keep me off her open LGBT group list but would still contact me separately and would advise the group that there are others like me who want to get involved but for personal reasons can do so so openly. What I have to ask myself though is do I risk more and ask to actually be on the LGBT group and thus be out to many more in the organisation? Little steps I think. Let's see how this accommodation works out first.

Advent Calendar 13

Whoever decided Sparkling Chardonnay was a good idea? It is neither a Spritzer nor is it a Lambrusco. Champagne it certainly isn't either! It doesn't do soft and has all the alcoholic effects of an ordinary glass of 'still' Chardonnay. So if you manage to drink enough of it not only do you get drunk you also get a bad case of windy indigestion, but not before burping the ABC and finding it extremely hilarious! Three sips for me and I couldn't drink any more. Having looked forward to a glass of wine to finish off a long week I am a little peeved.

Advent Calendar 12

A day for my sis. Called her to wish her a happy birthday. Been through a few scares recently and deserves a good day.

Advent Calendar 11

OK two things today...

The first is I am surprised at how little difficulty I had in contacting the Director of Employee Relations today to put forward my thoughts about the possibility of there being an LGBT Lead in the organisation. Such thoughts were invited and not an idea of my own. I have in effect outed myself to someone I work with and not the people I thought I would either, but I felt it was important that the T side of this should at least be given some consideration. Whether this was a wise decision I don't know yet. I have asked that my confidentiality is respected etc, but let's see. It was just something I felt needed to be said and if the outcome proves to be problematic then that's another bridge to cross.

The second is seeing prejudice where it might not be. So I chose not to fully comment on something elsewhere because I do not know the full story. Not about TG issues but instead this time mental health. It got my goat a bit. Maybe its time to not get so involved in some aspects of my life that have been so prominent over the last two years or so? Maybe its time to develop my own initiatives and life rather than remain in one place?

Advent Calendar 10

I like getting involved in the theatre I've decided. Looking down at the stage before a performance starts with so much promise, looking like a kind of cathedral to the arts. Something has been reignited in me even when I help out behind the scenes. You don't necessarily have to be on the stage itself in order to be a part of the whole performance.

Helping me to find a new slant on life and an insight into others.

Advent Calendar 9

Opportunities arise sooner sometimes than I expect them to. The question then I have to ask myself is can I take advantage of them now, doing more for myself as a whole person, without putting the balance so carefully put into place over the past thirty five odd years in jeopardy? Am I strong enough to take the step forward?

Advent Calendar 8

Sometimes you can see an argument coming. See all the reasons for it from both sides and try your best to not let yourself get riled. But if someone else doesn't, even the best laid coping plans and strategies are not going to last the full course of the evening. Hey ho!

Advent Calendar 7

Sometimes you have to ask yourself whether it is better to do all that you can, irrespective of what may be right and honest, to ensure your child gets the best possible chance in life. For me the answer has to be no. It is far better to know you have tried your best, to be where you are. People will scoff and say that to say that would be doing my child a disservice that they will not know how to handle themselves in the cut and thrust of this modern world. Far from it they will instead know how to pick up the pieces left behind and help those who fall from from those lofty heights in which they so precariously place themselves.

On the flipside I know that I am not being honest about who I am because I don't want to mess up my child's development and own identity exploration. For me he is too vulnerable and I wouldn't want him to suffer for me, if that makes sense? My choice but others cannot hide this side and have to be honest saying it will make their children stronger and their relationship with them.

Don't you just love a conflicting parenting style?

Advent Calendar 6

Sometimes spending a long day, doing something that may be entirely mind numbing, yet totally different to your usual routine, can be so, so refreshing. Today was one of those days for me. Nothing to do with the T-girl side to me, but a lot of fun all the same.

Advent Calendar 5

How difficult is it?

To hide your transness? I mean tonight I go out to a bit of a do. The theme is to turn up as a favourite pantomime, nativity or Christmas character. So I opt for a pantomime dame. I go, I think for an over the top character, clashingly bad makeup etc, rose bud lips, sparkly pink eyeshadow etc etc, balloons for boobs. All I get all night is how people found it difficult to not see me as an natural woman. What do you say to that except say you take it as a compliment. Perhaps if I try to pass naturally I will?

Advent Calendar 4

'Trans'indental Thinking

Not about going to the dentist en femme. More that sometimes being Transgendered can lead you to a higher way of thinking possibly. Yes I may think about clothes etc and I doubt few people who are don't spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about why they are like they are. For some the breakthrough comes when they stop worrying about it and I have to admit I feel like that myself and found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. But that is not my point today. Instead with all this time spent in deep thought, meditation say, over so many years are we occasionally open to a higher level of thinking or consciousness? OK feminine thought is just that I suppose but not what I am getting at. The other day walking to the train station in the obligatory male mode, to get to work I suddenly felt a inner strength and confidence. I felt as if I was walking along wearing a flowing dress etc. This was not wishful thinking but a full on state of mind for me, another level. This doesn't happen a lot to me, it isn't scary, nor does it I feel suggest something more deep seated. It is though a source of strength and I found myself subconsciously saying "Oh!" out loud. Probably a bit too much Richard Bach like perhaps?

Advent Calendar 3

Sometimes you end up putting off till tomorrow what you could have done today but for that tempting glass of wine.

Advent Calendar 2

Opening the Second Window
I spent many years holding myself back from doing things because of who I am. Things unrelated to being transgender. Now sometimes these things can conflict with being so and may require me to put plans on hold temporarily. Whereas in the past I may have felt denied, now I realise I have made my own personal lifestyle choice which is unique to me and how I want to live my life. These require certain responsibilities. For me comfort with who I am involves encompassing the whole, rather than concentrating on just part. At the moment I am lucky enough to experience a lot of things going on. The majority are positive and I am glad to get these opportunities after what appeared to be such a long time just simply exisiting.

Advent Calendar 1

Not sure how this is going to work out but I'm going to try and post something every day in the run up to Christmas. One observation or feeling from the day.

Opening the First Window.
Today that we as transgendered people are not alone in experiencing stigma both from the outside world or from our loved ones. Certain issues may be unique but that shouldn't stop us from empathising with others and offering our support. We may even be able to get together and fight for a larger cause that in itself will benefit each person uniquely. Support should be a two way thing.