A Question of Comfort

This might sound odd to some, but I am quite happy with having found some women's jeans which are comfortable enough that I can wear them whether I am in male or female mode. They are just comfy to wear, nothing else... Bliss! My wardrobe has over time increased with such items and reflect who I am everyday.

I am growing more confident again, all round, possibly more so in some areas. Still a way to go perhaps. Let's see as life continues to throw what it can at me. I am however less reticent to deny or hide who I am in some situations. There are other more important things that need my attention. Those things need me complete and in balance to deal with them honestly and with my full cognition.

So it is I have found myself more out there. Not necessarily shouting from the rooftops "Yoohoo! Hiya! Look over here!" More just getting on with stuff and accepting what comes my way.

Like the young shop assistants giggling as I hold a skirt against me to gauge if it would fit, (alright I was in male mode... granted!) and finding myself just recognising what they were doing and smiling back confidently. The more experienced shop assistant who served me after was of course much more customer focused and undoubtedly had seen this kind of thing a few times before. With a bit of luck the younger two will eventually get to the same point in their lives.

Like having the confidence to order a pair of glasses for both sides to me as part of a two for one offer...

"I can't let you go out like that!" Exclaims the confident mature sales assistant.

"Why not?" I ask

"They're too feminine!" She retorts.

"That's not a problem for me." I reply calmly. To which she was quite happy and replied that she felt she had to point it out just in case.

I have no idea if this new found confidence is as a result of talking through things. To be honest this femme side to me is not much discussed as it would take a heck of a lot more than CBT to handle. That would be for the future elsewhere if I so choose. I just feel able to handle things a bit more and life has continued to bowl its googlies, as it does. A colleague in work who has done so much in the field of mental illness sadly died unexpectedly in hospital. My wife's prognosis is a little more serious now, sooner than expected and leaving some important decisions to be made over the next year or so for both of us and our son. I am curious at how easy it can be to consider putting yourself at risk in order to try and help someone you care for. A bit matter of fact in fact. Don't figure?! Perhaps other things are becoming less important in the scheme of things? But I am certain that a more balanced and more honest me is going to be the one to get through all this.