Time To Myself

Of sorts. Last week I decided I needed help. Things had been ticking over but not progressing. Life was getting to me slowly and affecting almost everything I did both at home and at work. Things were coming to a head work wise. Trying to run a service on the minimum resources necessary, putting myself and other things last to ensure the service ran well enough in the circumstances was taking its toll. Not in an instant, large, major way, but over the last three years, in minor ways. So minor they don't really register at the time but put them together over time and they have a big effect. Add to this all that has gone on at home over the years and I decided it was time to ask for help.

So I met with my manager and it was decided that I needed to take some time out and seek help. I work for a mental health charity so it was easier to talk about this and identify what I needed to do. The next day the GP signed me off for six weeks and I'm referring myself for some talking treatment, (Psychological Therapy or CBT if you prefer). That will take longer than the six weeks I'm off but it's a start. Work will check in once a week and I have contact with my manager if I need to. I am worried what will happen when I go back. Given the nature of the organisation, they will do what they can to see if any changes can be made to my working pattern etc, which has helped others I work with, but I am wary that the requirements of my particular post might not allow for as flexible an approach. I am worried that there may not be a job when I get back and the effects this and the time off will have on any future attempts to find work. Who'd have thought taking such positive action will in turn add to my concerns? To carry on as normal would have been worse I know in the long term.

Strangely I don't feel overly depressed. I recognise having had mild depression over a long period of time, years, possibly most of my adult life. That is the crux. Short term mild depression is more easily handled. Long term it eats away at you. I had coping mechanisms that just stopped working over the last year and a half. I need to discuss things and find new ones. Out of all this, one thing I said to my manager was being Transgender didn't seem to be one of the issues that scored highly as one of the current causes. Just goes to show that life carries on and affects everyone irrespective of who we are. My intentions over the next few weeks are to utilise them positively. Lots of things are crying out to be done around the house. A chance to spend some family time together. Time too to concentrate on some 'me' time. Here's to the unknown. Sometimes we have to take a step into the darkness to get to where we want to go.

Where do I fit in?

Not an unusual feeling for someone who is T I would imagine? Not something to feel guilty about, though should I feel guilty for stating it publicly here in my blog? A lifelong question. Is it unique to people like myself or a more general question asked by the rest of humankind? Needless to say it's a question I'm asking at the moment.