Advent Calendar 22

Have spent most of the day today doing what I enjoy most in work. Working on and discussing LGBT issues etc. That is what keeps me going. Pity it has to be on my own time, mostly as it is secondary to my day to day role. Had a marvellous meeting with a colleague catching up on things and reminiscing how things have developed over the past year. Personally I seem to be much happier and comfortable with myself and this is showing. With regards to the issues at hand and promoting them etc, again I’ve come a long way and currently I’m co-chairing the LGBT staff network. Who’d have though all that would happen in a year? What will next year hold in this respect? I realise I don’t have the weight or possibly the right way of thinking to do much in the way of up front campaigning etc. Gentle persuasion and dialogue I think is more me. There is also a lot to learn from work and the way they do things that I can transfer to these particular issues. Think I might try and pop up from time to time at other group/organisation meetings, or at least offer my perspective if they want to hear it. All can be done quietly and allow me to concentrate on things at home when I need to. Home has to be  a priority next year but I also need to still do things that allow me to develop and express myself. I think, no feel, a balance is possible in this respect.

Advent Calendar 21

Today was one of those days where if I had the opportunity I would leave my job for pastures new. Nothing to do with anything bad as I think my employer on most counts has been fairly good to me, especially of late. It’s more to do with what exactly do I have left to achieve in my current role? Having spent a year preparing for a major campaign I have to think now about what next can I do? Is there anything else to develop and build upon? Itchy feet do not necessarily mean a bad situation, just a lack of inspiration and motivation and where can I get it?

Advent Calendar 20

Shopping therapy has come up trumps. Found a plain black suit jacket that will go with skirts and dresses for that professional look. Just £12. Happy and content. Part of me wishes I could go to work like that sometimes.

Advent Calendar 19

Trying to get motivated today was so hard in work. Despite working with people over the phone there was distinct lack of actually seeing people face to face. Just myself and the four walls of my room, with no one popping in as they walked past. This was a very long day.

Advent Calendar 18

Today continued much like yesterday, though I wasn’t out and about as much. The female connection today was with my wife. Talking about all sorts and this and that. One of those days to feel almost completely accepted. So very, very nice.

Advent Calendar 17

This has definitely been a day for feeling like I had tapped into a female state of mind. I started the day getting my hair done and then moving on to start getting the Christmas shopping out of the way. Everywhere I seemed to go I felt part of a female collective. I was for all intent dressed in my male apparel, though as I’ve said before I’m becoming increasingly androgynous, especially with my hair freshly done. However, I felt strongly female today. I think that was showing too in how I talked and acted for there was a connection with many of the women I talked to. Hard to explain, but it was a nice day.

Advent Calendar 16

Have to admit I feel rotten today. Lethargic and down right low. Feel like I need good cry too! The reason for this? I’m not entirely sure. So much has been going on and now with some breathing space I realise just how much it has taken out of me. Need to recharge my batteries. Something nice. I feel a little shopping therapy might not go a miss! Can't afford much but let's see if I can find a bargain!

Advent Calendar 15

Learning a few home truths can be instrumental in assisting you to develop. Thinking that others need to do the learning can sometimes infer that there may be things you are not expecting to hear as well. Be ready for that and it won’t seem to be such a surprise.

Advent Calendar 14

It was such a slow day today. I have to admit that Christmas seems so far away until you realise there is only just another week to go! Cripes! I’ve requested some perfume for Christmas and reiterated with my wife that that does not mean my male side has to have a present too. I am after all the same person.

Advent Calendar 13

I was sat on the bus the other day, near the back with a handful of teenage girls sat behind me. Then came the inevitable ability to hear everything they were saying. It is a strange phenomenon that one, how everyone on a bus can hear what such girls say. It’s almost as if the volume switch is either broken or has been turned up intentionally. Can’t really guess which? I’m digressing of course, back to their conversation. They start to talk about Trannies. Well one does and starts to say you can always tell one. “Can you?” I think along with the thought they might be talking about me and that this is going to turn into one interesting bus journey if they are. But I have to take a step back and realise there is something different about this situation. The other girl throughout has been putting her friend right on the proper use of terminology and is a lot more matter of fact about the whole thing and appears to be much more clued up on it all. Well done her. Things didn’t get worse for me on that bus and I spent a little while contemplating how things can change one person at a time and not to judge straight away.

Advent Calendar 12

Birthday wishes going out to my sister. Sisterly love she doesn't even know exists across the ether!

Advent Calendar 11

Is it alright to admit I hate it when it's time to put up the Christmas tree? Not in a bah humbug kind of way. It's nice when it's there. It's getting from box to finished product that always seems to inevitably end in tears in our family. I've opted to remain on the sidelines or avoid it all together if I can. There is so much need for a glass of mulled wine by the time it's all over! ;-)

Advent Calendar 10

I have recently been looking around me and decided it was time to follow the crowd and get myself a purple mac, (coat that is), and some warm woolly hats. Trouble is as much as I like the look I am slightly reminded of a character from early in Victoria Wood's repertoire, (apologies for not recalling the name of the character), I'll leave it for you to decide. Never mind. I still like them!

Advent Calendar 9

Occasionally you get a memory jolt! Something that envelops you entirely causing a wave of sensation, rolling from your head to your toes, leaving swirling eddies to crash about your entire being for some time afterwards. That for me was the effect of the first sip of Rose Hip tea for some time, probably nearly 30 years if I'm honest. Shame it didn't last for the whole cup!

Advent Calendar 8

There are days when everything you do does not seem to get you where you are trying to go any quicker. In London it has been a bit like that transport wise. Bit of a hassle and quite a few irate people pushing and bustling past recently because of problems with trains etc. I'm opting to chill as much as I can and go with the flow. Just not worth letting it get to you if you can help it.

Advent Calendar 7

Occasionally it does you good to be one step behind yourself. That way you can look ahead and see what you are about to do! Confused? Yeah me too! :-)

Advent Calendar 6

A full on day today. Things I've waited all year to find out about are now moving positively. Next year could be busy. Almost cleared to go onto a paired or group donation scheme. The odd hurdle still to cross. Nearly there. Then all we have to do is wait every couple of months.

Advent Calendar 5

Sometimes it is best not to fill the silence if there is no need to do so.

Sometimes quiet contemplation is the better option.

Advent Calendar 4

Tonight was the time to indulge in a little guilty pleasure. Ironing whilst listening to music on my ipod and supping on a few glasses of red wine. Total relaxation and meditation of the mind. Not much can improve on that. Well let me see if I can include some chocolate then it might be near perfect. Do you think any less of me now you know that?

Advent Calendar 3

Something is yelling out to me as a possible Christmas gift. Something I think affirms my own sense of self, my tastes and quite simply says me. It is in fact a pair of purple Doc Martens boots. Hardly ultra feminine but a feminine statement all the same I feel.

Advent Calendar 2

I know it’s not New Year just yet, but I realise I need to look at what goals I had set myself this year. Have I met any of them? The answer to that is yes, I feel, to quite a few. Strangely that doesn’t mean they have been completely ticked off the list and made way for new ones. Instead they have been more developmental and instrumental in maintaining my own sense of well being. Time to build on them I think and to look at what new goals I can set myself as a result.

Advent Calendar 1

I have commented in the past about looking in the mirror as Bob only to see Grace looking back. Yesterday the same thing happened. This time however, there was no feeling of worry, or of being disconcerted by it. I had instead a feeling of contentment. One of balance. Bob/Grace looking back at the same time, hardly indistinguishable from each other. A feminine person. It felt right. No conflict. A rare feeling indeed.

Stepping out the door

One of the biggest challenges I had set myself was to get out en femme and experience a normal day, doing everyday things I usually take for granted in my male life and some of those things perhaps that are unique to presenting as female. I had decided at the beginning of this year to actually act on this after failing to do so last year, but time and opportunity for various reasons were few. This was going to be quite a big challenge for many reasons. Trying to overcome a lifetime of learnt internal repression is the first barrier. All those little things you tell yourself from an early age that to present like this is in someway wrong and will not be acceptable in the outside world at large. That I will be ridiculed and mocked, ostracised and threatened. That the world in general will literally implode around me, leaving the shattered remains of who I am for all to see. Then there is the Pandora question. Just what will I be discovering if I open this box and look inside? Will it be so all overpowering that it threatens to destroy everything I hold dear like my marriage, family and friends? Will I become somebody new, somebody different, ...somebody... I don't want to be? Will this just exacerbate and compound my feelings and make me feel even worse? These are just part of what was going through my mind and are on top of just how I was even going to do this with so much happening elsewhere in my life?

Recently the chance of an opportunity presented itself. To join some other girls in the centre of London for lunch, a drink, a chat and a bit of a wander around afterwards. There was a possibility I could do this and in all real likelihood it may be my last chance to do so this year. I had to give it at least some consideration, if anything, just to try and avoid getting into a cycle of looking back at lost opportunities wondering what if? I needed this. Opportunities to express this side to me were becoming fewer at home with my son becoming more independent as he gets older and opting to spend more time at home. He doesn't know about this side to me yet as we made a decision to wait until he is a little older and dealt with his own challenges that we know too well present themselves during childhood and teenage hood. I was however becoming less and less able to express my female side. This wasn't going to become a negative thing, something to become resentful about, something full of regret. I wanted to find other options, possibly something that would help me to become a more whole and complete person.

The initial feelers started to go out to see what challenges, aside from my own internal turmoils, stood in my way. Would it be OK with my wife if I did this, especially with so much else going on for her at the moment? I'd have to wait for the right time to ask. She said yes but was a little worried about me going out as Grace. I then had to decide how I was going to co-ordinate this? For obvious reasons I couldn't dress and make-up at home, perhaps I could do it en route, though quite how I wasn't sure? I won't go into details of what I considered except to say they tended to raise more issues as opposed to solutions. Then one of the girls I had met before and gotten to know, agreed and offered to allow me to go to her place first to get ready. For that I am so very grateful. The major hurdles, it seems, were down and possibility was now fast looking like becoming reality. I was looking forward to this despite my nerves and internal conflicts.

Then came the day. I only had a few hours sleep having made the mistake becoming engrossed in a late night movie on the television. My head was feeling far from clear and was exceedingly groggy. Because of this I opted to write a list of the things I needed to take just to make sure that I didn't forget anything essential. Following an extra close shave I got ready and my wife came downstairs to see me off. Upon seeing my list and packing noted I'm not usually that prepared in other parts of my life. I could see she was a little worried and tried to reassure her before leaving the house. During the journey I wasn't worried that much. This was going to be. It was after all an opportunity worth taking. When I got to my friend's house I firstly apologised for looking like I had brought everything including the kitchen sink. In future I'll know more about what I need, but this time I had to be over cautious. We sat down to coffee before I went to get ready. A few deep breaths and all seemed to go well with no major problems on the make up and clothing front. Then came the nail varnish and indications that I might be more nervous than I thought. My hands were shaking! I managed to get a reasonable coverage on my nails with just one or two errors but it was OK. Then came a knock on the door asking if I was ready? I opened the door and was reassured by the kind words of my friend. That was a relief as she looked so good and natural herself. She was also only the first person after my wife ever to meet Grace face to face.  After helping me to clear the splodges of nail varnish off my fingers it was decided to fore go another coffee and go straight out in case my nerves got the better of me. OK I thought, let's go for it! We waited a minute or two for someone visiting the neighbours to go inside and then we stepped out into the big wide world!

I have no idea if there is a right way or wrong way to step outside for the first time, but for me this was ideal. A kind of systematic and gradual desensitisation as I dipped my toes into the world as Grace. There were no trains running locally due to engineering works so we opted to walk to the closest Tube station which would take a little while. We started out on some very quiet back streets with no-one about and then walked onto a main road with lots of cars rushing past. No one appeared to be crashing or driving erratically as a result of me being there, (on the pavement I might add). Then as we got closer to the station we encountered more and more people out and about on a Sunday morning. Again no-one seemed overly concerned at my presence. I was enjoying the Sunday stroll on a very lovely and sunny morning. I took a few moments to take all the sensations of the world around me. It was so peaceful. We then reached the station. Outside and inside was very busy, but another uneventful experience. We got on a quiet carriage on the Tube. It was getting warm and I opted to take my coat off for the journey, worried that my make up was starting to break down under the pressure of perspiration. Again my friend kindly reassured me everything was alright and I looked fine. Eventually two people sat opposite us but didn't appear to notice us sat opposite. We had to change lines at a more busy station and soon this new train got very busy and crowded. Even this close up few people, if at all seemed to notice. I was surprisingly calm.

When we reached the centre of town we walked a short distance through tourists etc to a small coffee shop that sold marvellous coffee, (their complimentary choc was nice too!), before moving on to the pub where we had agreed to meet some other girls. One girl was serving behind the bar and she was so nice and welcoming and chatted with us whilst we had a drink and waited for the last of our party to arrive. When we were all there we went upstairs for a fantastic meal with good conversation and relaxing atmosphere. It was busy with lots of people in a small space but again there were no problems. The person serving us was so helpful and nice. He was very polite and smiley and helped us to feel comfortable there. Things were going so well there we opted to stay longer and enjoy each other's company and conversation. Eventually with the afternoon drawing to a close we chose to walk through Chinatown popping into a shop along the way.Things all round were slightly crowded, but again if anyone noticed they didn't make a song and dance about us on the whole. My nerves it seemed had been left behind at the house that morning and I was enjoying the moment. We walked down to the river where one of the girls had to head back home. There was now just two of us again so we though about going for another drink. One place was too crowded so we opted for another. It was exceedingly warm in there and I was worried my make up was breaking down especially considering I had shaved over eleven hours ago. Things must be showing by now? I was assured it wasn't.

We continued to chat for over an hour before heading back to the Tube and travelling home. No one it seemed was phased by our presence on the carriage. I noticed my reflection in the window opposite and saw a middle aged woman looking back. My friend reassured me I looked comfortable and appropriate for a woman of my age. I was a little curious as to why it had taken me so long and thought briefly about missed and wasted opportunities and thinking about a conversation earlier in the day about what ifs, but that is exactly what they are and not worth worrying about too much. This is now and I have finally gone out as Grace. I was starting to feel a little down though as we were getting closer to the time I was going to have to change. We walked back to the house and had another coffee and chat before I went to change. I was surprised at how well my make up had held together with only a little extra lippy and a touch of powder on my top lip applied during a trip to the ladies half way through the day. It was however time to change back and then the journey home. A good day as Grace in the world at large had been had. Many thanks to Sue, Ange and Joanne for making it so normal.

I make no apologies for the length of this post, nor for omitting bits and pieces about exactly what I was wearing etc. That for me is not the point. It is in part something another Transgender person can read amongst the growing number of first time out posts and hopefully gain some confidence from. It is also an opportunity for me to get as much as I can down so I can refer back to it from time to time rather than try and rely on my memory which can choose to break things down to just their basic component parts over time with little else filling in the gaps.

What did I get from the day? Was there any kind of epiphany, golden light shining through the clouds upon my face? Any dawning realisation that this was the real me and my male side just a poor attempt at life up to now? Was I overcome by euphoria through out the whole day, only to hit a major low at the end of the day? In answer to all of those I have to say 'No' It was significant in its everyday normal feel. Nothing major, just living life. The world did not fall apart. I did not fall apart. I was expressing a part of me I never truly realised I could in the world around me. New opportunities await. I can be less reluctant now to accept invitations to going out as Grace with colleagues in work who know about me. I can think about going out again when the opportunities arise. I can perhaps also think about developing things in general and getting that balance more right now. It is of course a matter of one step at a time, my mind isn't doing overtime as a result of going out as Grace. I was told that I was quite passable but that didn't mean I wasn't clocked from time to time. That will happen for me no matter what. I know I have to work on my deportment a bit etc. Mostly people looked at me for that little while longer, or smiled. Nothing I found too different in respect to the looks I've been getting as I become more androgynous in my male appearance anyway. There were two occasion though where someone openly laughed at us and the other where someone openly stated "It's Tranny Night" when we went to the second pub. Those instances happen and I sure wasn't going to go running home or out of the pub as a result. It happens but is something I can live with. Hopefully over time people like that will become more accustomed and less ignorant of Transgender issues. I'm reminded yesterday that reports of serious Homophobia & Transphobia abuse are increasing though. This is not something that should stop me from going out, but I do need to be aware of this. It is in part down to the fact that more of us are identifying as Trans and getting out there, being more willing to report abuse as well. I look forward to the day, perhaps not in my own lifetime where this is seen as a normal thing and part of life in general and someone does not have to go through the angst and worry Transgender people do today.

If you have read through to this point I'm impressed. I hope it has been of some help, if not an interesting read. I know from this experience that I will continue to be me and that I can express this side more openly from time to time. I did it... at last!

I'm having one of those days

I’m finding it difficult to keep the feminine side to me under wraps today. How can I explain the feelings of anxiety and frustration at not being able to express this side to me when it is at its strongest? I loathe when it gets like this. Not the feeling itself. I loathe having to repress all this. I loathe not being able to just be me when I get like this. I just want to be accepted. For this to be seen as normal. To be part of life’s rich tapestry, (sorry for the cliché).

I know what has triggered this most recent state of affairs. Things were fairly quiet on the need to express myself front. I’ve taken it easy with the outward expression, reigned back on the little things like androgynous mix of clothes and clear nail polish etc. Partly because a new member of staff was starting in work as part of my team and I didn’t want to scare her away just yet, partly because opportunities at home have become less now that my son is older, and partly because the need just wasn’t there. I have to admit I liked the more male look as it is as much a part of me as the female. Now though la femme is back with a vengeance and I just have to let this out somehow! The trigger was in part getting the opportunity to open the Pandora’s Box and be more daring last Friday in work as I was on my own. Nothing too O.T.T. but back to the balanced look as I like to call it. I’ve also being doing some in depth T related work in the office requiring some deep thinking. Then over the weekend on telly I watched “Skin” and “Milk” on the television. Both really hitting home about discrimination towards people for being different. All this seems to have been playing on my mind Things just don’t seem right. I have to admit to feeling a little anger here as well just to add to the mix.

Then comes the worry. Just how much has repressing this held me back over the years? How much more ingrained this will become in my psyche. Will it become all consuming? Do I want it to? What would happen if more and more people knew? Is this the urge for a primal transgender scream I’m feeling, or do I just need a good cry?

I’m sure this may come as a surprise to those of you who don’t experience transgender life. Especially if you look at my past blogs where I probably come across as fairly with it and accepting of this side to my life. And yes I am. I do wish to live a life in balance if that is possible. I like being male and female. Sometimes the urge to be feminine and female is as all consuming as the need to be masculine and male at other times. It’s just that it is easier to do the male side of things in life. Life at present appears to be holding me back on doing the female side of things and that is what is so aggravating about it! This is what being Trans for me is about at the moment. Part of my Trans experience. It’s not unusual as Trans things go. Quite normal probably. Being together and accepting of yourself helps to prepare you for days like this. Life still has its obstacles and prejudices and discrimination to hold you back, real, imaginary or otherwise.

I need to organise some femme time soon. How I’m not sure but soon. A few days off perhaps, maybe something else? I’ll have a think.

Shine on

What a glorious few days it has been for late September and early October. Really appreciate the sunshine and so out the ordinary which makes all the more special. Have to admit to not being happy stuck in the office, but at least it has carried on into the weekend.

I'm getting those feelings of wanting to do something different again work wise. Swings and roundabouts. In a few weeks I might feel different again but I wonder if I would be doing something different if I wasn't concerned about making sure I'm in work at a time we need a steady income? It really is just a job now as I look back at the past few years and realise there isn't much more I can make of it. Should I just be thinking about looking for something else which is a little more challenging and making the most of what I can do? Should I take the chance? That's it again. What it boils down to. I need a challenge. Something that makes me think and develop more. Something that perhaps I can do more with regards to who I am? Anyone out there knows anything available that takes advantage of my skills and allows me to do this in a job that keeps the roof over our heads, let me know? Well it's worth a try!

Got to find something to keep my mind ticking over. If not in work then elsewhere that I can fit in to everything else happening at home. Now to enjoy the sunshine some more before things return to how they should be. 

Changes

I've just been looking through old photos of me en femme, taken over the past few years and note the changes as I have developed. Different looks, some good, some bad. Different age, so much younger, even seven years ago. Much slimmer then as well, (eek!), wish I still had that lithe figure. Not too many faux pas on the fashion front, (well I think I had enough sense to delete those almost as soon as I took them). Quite a journey of discovery and still travelling.

I look at the fresh faced 30 (something) year old and recall the Ecstasy and euphoria mixed up with uncertainty and vulnerability, as I was able to record this properly for the first time. I also see the landmark moments. Buying my first proper wig, then breast forms. Getting some decent make-up. Opting to start growing my hair and then colour it. Opting to go for a professional cut and colour shortly afterwards. To now, where I see someone who is more at home with myself. A little more confident and secure in knowing who I am. Becoming more everyday, a balance, complete. Clothing, where acceptable, being worn in either male or female mode. If I could, is there anything I would pass on to the previous versions of myself? Not really. That will be for them to discover and find out. Life will throw its challenges, but I'm still here.

I'm looking ahead now and some of the changes I'm going to have to make very soon. Financially I'm not sure if I can keep getting my hair done, so might have to opt for getting it cut less and consider other alternatives to colouring. I might try and grow it back to grey, putting a rinse through every so often to disguise the grey roots growing out. I will also have to curtail my spending a bit more. I think I have enough basic options and combinations to get me through clothing wise. I'm hardly dressing en femme every day and there are those things I can wear either way.

I'm becoming more open on occasion, or "out there" as my wife puts it. Borders have been crossed enough for some people possibly to make assumptions. How much more open will I become? I'm getting more confident in how I look and I wonder more about getting out as Grace from time to time. Will that create some newer dimensions to me? Will that be a good thing for me and my family?

My wife is under pressure to start getting things ready for a transplant. I'm going forward with the paired donor option as I can't donate directly to my wife. It may not happen straight away but come the New Year, if not sooner, we are looking at changes to how we live with this. Getting the house ready, preparing for dialysis if it is needed in between time, then waiting for the possible 'yes' or 'no' every few months for the paired donor scheme, or that call at anytime of the day or night that a suitable kidney has become available. I'm wary about being seen to indulge in this side to me, even though it is just an more complete expression of who I am.

Work continues to have its ups and downs. No job is ever safe and I really need to develop. They have been accommodating both on my involvement with the LGBT steering group and future possible time around my wife's surgery and recovery. I hope this isn't compromised by further cuts to service budgets etc and if it is any future employer are as much or more accommodating to my circumstances.

So what possible advice would I hope to get from my future self reading this in a few years time? Nothing really I suppose. Life will throw its challenges I'm sure, but it would be nice to know that I am reading this. Still here.

A brief intermission

Something has awakened following on from reading something about the old BBC Test card on The Angels site. I think it was a memory, probably one of the earliest I have that is T related. I remember as a young child looking at this when it used to come on and  not just thinking " Oh I wish that was me" but also "Is that me?"

OK you may think I'm going over the top here but as a young fella-me-lad, for me the girl in the picture looked just like me but with long hair and a headband etc. That was disconcerting, so much so it still feels slightly uncomforatble today. Take away the hair etc and that would be what I looked like I did back then.

I'm not going to go into the psychology of this because quite frankly I wouldn't know where to start. I think though it was one of the first images I identified with personally and not just wished to be. More "That could so be me!" as opposed to anything else.

Try not to laugh all at once and remember to turn the telly off when you hear the tone. Normal scheduled programmes will start again soon.

Shhh! Did you hear that pin drop?!

Quiet here in old blogland innit?
Well I have had other things on, so I hope you will forgive me? I'm still here, maybe not doing so much in this ethersphere, but still here.

Things are OK. Work continues to be a pain, though I find I'm coming out to more people there in my role within the LGBT group. Hopefully we can start getting things out there in the public forum this year. Let's see. Strangely with regards to being more open personally, I'm finding it is just another thing, no biggie, but it is with colleagues I'm gauging as trustworthy first. Let's see what happens if it becomes more openly known. I've no real reason to have to come out. Transition is not something I want, as I have said before. I'm your typical closeted trans person trying to find a balance. As such I don't have a reason to be out there other than to show people like me exist within the world and therefore need consideration.

Work continues to be challenging generally. I'll say no more on that. Nothing to update regarding the live donor stuff either.

Have to admit to following Corrie for the first time in years, to see what happens with the Marc/Marcia story. Seems positive on the whole, reflecting a lot of the different aspects encountered. What stands out most is living as yourself and being accused/labelling yourself as the 'other woman'. Difficult to get over and through. Let's see how they develop this story. Only niggle I would have was Marcia's friend confronting Audrey in what seemed to be a drag artist's bitchy riposte of "Who's he?!" Are there really people out there like that? OK there are I suppose but it did seem to reflect a lack of understanding. Was there a need for that other than for Audrey to reply that she was the "real deal!" Artistic/dramatic license probably to develop the plot line, so I would suggest cutting them some slack.

I'm in another play this summer. A smaller role which suits me fine at the moment with so much going on elsewhere. Shakespeare don't you know and quite a funny one too. Still not entirely comfortable within the falseness of some of the things that go with theatre, but if I'm aware of it at least I can try and ignore it or give it a wide berth.

The little I have lost weight-wise went out the window over Easter and I have to start all over again. So I will have to make sure I don't get involved in too many after rehearsal drinks. Have to admit to having a glass of red wine tonight. Apologies if this seems blog seems a bit jumpy. Hope you'll understand!

Gaining strength from a most unusual situation

Heading home last night from work and I encountered what is probably a minor trans moment. As you probably know my look is blurring boundaries more nowadays, with plucked eyebrows, longer dyed hair, wider choice of earrings/studs and choosing to wear androgynous womens' jeans & tops when I choose to do so. I was having a bad hair day so opted to tie my hair back. Anyway I digress, After work, getting on the train to go home I was stood by the door watching the world go by whilst listening to some music on my mp3. Over the sound of the music I heard a woman's voice saying " Is that a man?" and the replies "It is!" I looked out of the corner of my eye to see two middle aged couples glancing over their shoulders at me then turning back and smirking. They weren't being overly open but everyone in the carriage could hear. It was then that I realised what I do in such situations. I wasn't embarrassed. Far from it. More bloody minded and determined to carry on as normal. It wasn't worth addressing them. Poor loves gave the impression they were visiting the big smoke, so I can forgive them their lack of London etiquette. Not sure where their narrow mindedness is based but let's hope yesterday was the start of their education that people like me exist. Here's hoping they start to see many more now and as such have begun their journey into the desensitisation of their views. I took the opportunity to look around the carriage to see if these comments were drawing any other looks or stares my way. Far from it and quite the opposite in fact. One young lady was looking at me with what can only be described as an empathic and strengthening gaze. Everyone else were fixed on the couples concerned with what only can be described as belittling and disbelieving glares.

That wont happen every time I'm sure if anything similar happens again, but I can draw strength from the fact I didn't let it affect me and the quiet non assuming reaction of the rest of the carriage.

Do as you're told...?

As a parent of a son now in secondary school I am increasingly becoming aware that simply laying down the law as per the Johnstone household dictates is becoming less and less effective. There is an increasing necessity to discuss and debate the reasons behind them and amend them where necessary. Especially if those same household laws are outdated and do not take into account the feelings and beliefs of the entire household. Without this such approaches become based on outdated information that do not reflect the here and now, nor the hopes for the future.

Yes there are times when you are in a corner and the rest of the household think you are wrong, but you know deep in your heart that you are right. So what to do in these circumstances? Shouting loudly tends to have a similar reaction right back at you. Bringing up something which was said, or happened some time ago, in the hope it will act as some kind of ammunition, again tends to get someone on the defensive as well, with similar accusations thrown back at you. These can lead to two things, maybe more. Those two things increase animosity within the clan. They are attributable to rising anger which may manifest itself as such, or as restricted communication, (i.e. monosyllabic grunts at the breakfast table). So either the battle lines become more entrenched, or you become more isolated with only those who follow what you say without question for company.

Some of you may recognise where I'm coming from. As an aging psychology graduate I have done some reading about parenting styles, which I'm sure there are many more classifications and sub classifications now. They are also very much out there in the literature in books and parenting magazines etc. But above I am relating possibly to the dictatorial style of parenting versus the democratic. Lassez faire or 'whatever' style being probably the next major approach. I suppose what is the best approach is a flexible one which covers all styles for when they are best applied in any given situation. To remain in just one, unmoving, is not possibly healthy for a household and there are times when utilising more of one particular style is the best option. Otherwise the household breaks down and splits up almost irrevocably. I would point out that no amount of study prepares you for the real thing and I am often prone to get things wrong.

So back to the question what to do in these circumstances where you feel you are right when all about you are wrong? Dialogue I suppose is the start. Finding if there is any common ground to build or repair the relationships. Identifying in however small a way with each other. Finding cause to build some empathy. In the early stages, especially if someone is a novice in such matters or used to another form of approach, they may try to utilise what they have previously used and try and adapt the new direct and open approach to fit what they are happiest using. It does after all lend to keeping a perceived locus of control. I find my son does this at the moment. I may not get the full details or just those which fit best the argument. I may also get all the facts though perhaps "not necessarily in the right order". It is then that I have to ask more questions, giving my reasons to do so. Trying to see why he is putting things in such an order and why other things may be omitted help me to see the whole person and much of what is affecting him at the moment.  

Empathy. It may not be the end all and be all, but it is something intrinsic to social etiquette and development. People are open to this development largely. This ability to educate and update our views. Some views held in the past may not reflect what we hold now. I know there are some, to me questionable, views I held in the past, which thankfully I have changed down to the people I have met and the knowledge and experiences they have imparted. Parenting within a family develops that small social structure. The individuals within that household may then take some of this into the wider world and back again, supporting each other when conflicts may arise etc perhaps.

Intrinsic parts which are in need of tending, feeding and protection when necessary. Sorry to use a nurturing analogy. Rotating styles stops things from becoming less and less efficient as the things you rely on drain the resources you have. Adapting styles to meet the needs of what is in front of you and those of the future. Telling my son to do, or not do something is no longer enough. Telling him someone may be a bad influence or may harm him is no good unless I have an understanding of those others and I'm not basing it on some unbased internal dislikes or prejudices. Realising that past experiences may not necessarily reflect everything and everyone in the here and now and that they should not all be tainted for this, and can change or have already.

Parenting, whether it is a choice or something which falls unexpectedly in your lap, is a responsibility of sorts, if that is what you expect or want it to be. Your are a cog that is part of the machinery that makes up the family. Get it wrong and the family could just be set to make the same mistakes over and over again. Get it wrong and the family could eventually cease to function with members going elsewhere for support etc if they can find it. Get it wrong and you become just an individual on your own, maybe with only others in a similar position for company. Get it right and things develop,  are open to new ideas, able to debate and discuss, to build bridges and to educate. Get it right and this can go further beyond the household, maybe with pride and confidence that when conflict or disagreement is met elsewhere there is strength and support behind you.

So the next time my son asks why, or has a view different to my own, I hope I can impart the following knowledge... There are moments in life when you have to ask yourself whether it is better to follow blindly what some people tell you simply because they are shouting the loudest. Or whether it is better to make an informed decision based on dialogue and empathy of how others may feel and how you may feel in their place. If they don't want to, at least you can tell yourself you tried. then leave them to their own devices, making sure you leave a door open if they change their minds. That is a truer, stronger and longer lasting path to maturity.

Magic Moments

Having some moments which are triggering some strong memories. The sunshine and the feel of the day over the past week or so are reminding me of the days in the early 80's where as kids we would leave our house early in the morning and walk out across the fields that backed onto our houses. That fresh early morning feeling, quiet and nothing but you and the countryside with the whole day ahead.

Getting feelings like this have been quite rare for me over the past few years, which make these so special. I really hope that memory connections like this become more regular in my life again. Recognising where I have come from is one thing, feeling it is quite another and so important to the person I am. For too long I've been just existing on a day to day basis. Far better to fly a plane than rely on the autopilot all the time.

Hoaky Croaky

This week I've had an enforced week off due to the chest infection I had for the previous two weeks getting worse. So a quick trip to the doctor revealed it wasn't viral and needed a course of antibiotics. My voice has been particulalry croaky and hoarse and very unladylike. However today I feel almost back to my usual self and finally got the chance to have a femme day.

I'm not sure how much I would pass in the street, but I am sure things have progressed over the past year in many ways. I am more certain of who I am and where I sit in this gender varied world in which we all live. Balance is still my aim with the leanings towards more male and female as I feel best at any given time. I do wonder though sometimes if  I should be venturing outside occassionally. Somewhere safe with support from friends. Who knows, it may just happen this year.

I'm feeling incredibly relaxed at the moment. Something I haven't felt in a long, long time. Hope it lasts for a while. It doesn't half help dealing with things, that's for sure.

Did I say "Once bitten..."?

Well it seems my trepidation was valid work wise. Can't say too much until more is known. Needless to say it's pretty much more of the same which we have seen and experienced before. Not going to burn any bridges. Will have to look at how this pans out and make the most of it as I have done time and again. At the end of the day with everything else going on the moment a steady income is nothing to be sniffed at but in a worse case scenario it will just become that, a job, nothing more.

So I guess this means trying to find more out of life elsewhere. Oooo decisions, decisions.

On a plus side I'm through to the next stage of tests. I found out I'm a Little shorter than I used to be and only a little bit overweight... Yay! Still not counting my chickens on this one yet though. There are still a lot of hurdles to jump.

Blurrggh!

I've been a little under the weather the past few days, feeling dizzy and weird and wanting to fall asleep a lot. I'm putting it down to something going around in work but it just won't come to anything. I'd like to take a day off and recuperate but things have been busy and I've been covering whilst the rest of my team are away. This means I'm just feeling more tired at the end of the day. I intend to right the balance soon.

The letter with the first Work Up appointment arrived the day after my last blog. That's always the way isn't it? It will be in a few weeks and will take place over a day with a few tests booked and a talk with the Renal Transplant Co-ordinator. Hopefully that will bring us a little closer to finding out if I would be a suitable donor. In the mean time I'm trying to make a start ahead of this and to eat a little more healthily. I'm not overweight but I would like to loose this tummy I have. Just middle age spread and to get back down to what I was a few years back would be ideal. Last week's minor progress was all but lost what with this feeling unwell and lack of activity. No Tai Chi either as it was cancelled at the last minute. Think when I'm feeling more well I will have to find some additional activity to burn some calories. Maybe walking during my lunch hour.

The feminine side to me is very strong at the moment, whether that is a reaction to feeling a little unwell, stressed or just plain vulnerable, I don't know. There is an inner strength to it though and it compliments my everyday state of mind. It's helping me to get through the day.

Life in Tandem

It’s strange, how on one hand things are rushing along at a headlong pace and on the other, things are just so slow, almost to the point of distraction. I’m experiencing a kind of dual time line at the moment, with both running parallel to each other.

In work I still don’t know much more about what is going to happen. However the little odds and ends I have gleaned make things look promising. It won’t be easy but it looks like, at last, I could be running a proper service, with proper input and expected outcomes. My mind is doing overtime at the moment trying to put together all the hopes and ideas into some coherent form so I’m ready for the discussions and plans that lie ahead. I almost want to cry at the prospect of some relief from having run a service largely ignored up till now by the organisation. That is what brings me down to earth again. Once bitten they say... Or in this case, several times, (shall we say slightly gnawed instead?). I have been here before, hence my slight trepidation, which is a healthy thing to have. True, I don’t know the full facts of what is going to happen yet. Nor do I know what is going to happen to my post, but the hints I’m getting suggest that my team is part of the plan this time and not just an aside. Proper slotting in and overseen from a service provision point of view too. I wait with some eager anticipation to see how this develops. I appear to be getting a raison d'être again work-wise. But let’s see.

At home things have not left much time for anything. Money is getting tighter and tempers are fraying a little at times for all sorts of reasons. Personally too I’m not getting any Grace time and I haven’t since before Christmas. I’m ashamed to say this means occasionally I have gotten grumpy when I see opportunities lost at the last minute to something else. I need to book a day or two’s me time. I need to look after myself as well, though the opportunity may not arise for a couple more weeks yet. Booking it in work though will be a boost in itself and something to look forward to. I have to say mind that moods are improving a little at home with cuddles/hugs and decent conversations reappearing. I’ve also started Tai Chi in the last few weeks. It is something which I so wanted to do over the past few years but opportunities have always seemed to clash with other things. We’re doing it in work and I have to admit after a lesson, with calming music, subdued lighting and fabulous views over the city, I am so chilled out and relaxed. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re thinking about doing Tai Chi yourself.

So with so much going on, what if anything is going so slowly? Well I haven’t yet heard anything from the hospital about my own tests and possible work up. I know it is only a few weeks, and that this is the NHS we’re talking about, but I would like to find out whether I would be a viable donor for my wife. These few weeks have felt like months paradoxically when compared to everything else going on. I’ll give it another week before chasing this up with the hospital.

Catching Up

OK so I was rubbish this time at keeping an advent calendar going. In my defence I had a lot on. At the end of each day I just didn’t have the energy to do anything else apart from fall asleep on the sofa. This was not a bad thing I might add.

Think I might take a break from the theatre for a short while though. It feels right to take some time with the family now while we can. We’ve been trying to build some support networks at home, reconnecting with those people around us who mean a lot. Appreciating friendship when it is there. Christmas I thought was going to be heavy, but I was proved wrong. For that I am thankful and for some new support from within the family. The endeavour for more networking needs to continue. I… We need it.

Last week I put myself forward to become a live donor for my wife when that time comes, (whenever that may be). Now I have to wait for tests etc to be arranged. All to see if this will be possible. I’m told around 80% of prospective donors are turned down simply because of their own unsuitability for surgery etc. This is alongside seeing if there are enough compatibility factors to make a decent transplant success. I have to admit to having read a lot of leaflets in a short while recently, so I’m trying to avoid using too much terminology here. So now I have to prepare myself for the what ifs? What if I’m not suitable, or compatible? What if the transplant is rejected if it was to go ahead? These are some of the questions that need to be asked along with a few more I’m sure. We've recently gone to a Transplant Information Programme meeting which will gave us the opportunity to meet other people who have done the same. We had already done the one on the different types of dialysis, and I was glad there were a few more people this time who are more our age who have experienced some of the same things as we have and are. While it is nice to discuss things with Mr Jones and Mrs Smith, shall we say, who are in their 70’s, you do feel more out of water than maybe you should.

As an aside if the transplant were to go ahead, my wife and I have joked that at last at least one piece of me will be all woman! If it transpires I have both a sparkly and a plain kidney I get to keep the sparkly one too! If anything will help to make a transplant a success this has to be up there surely?

Getting a work-life balance at the moment is looking slightly strained. Things are starting to look very tight money-wise with us becoming more reliant on my, what was the second, wage in the family. Even with cuts to our budget we may not have enough. I’m loathed to take a weekend job as that would in effect lessen my time at home when it is needed more. A temporary one perhaps, if needs must, as and when. I’ll take a look at some agency work and see what’s available perhaps. In work, things continue to work towards change. Still waiting to see what that entails and if that creates added workload & pressure. My colleague of 4 years has left leaving me with some new people to mould etc on my own. While I will miss her I’m also quite enjoying the challenge as it is a change to the usual mundane things that have been part of my job of late. Work however has been quite accommodating of what is going on at home which is good. I just need to make sure these newbies are supported while I’m out of the office and aren’t too strained by all this either.

Well that's it for now. I'll try and be a bit better at updating this blog this year.