I sit here now almost 24 hours after attending the leaving do for the colleague I've mentioned previously. Apart from tending an ever so slightly sore head, I'm not sure if I am any the wiser and probably sure that this was not the time I thought it was. Drink has a lot to answer for. I'm also very aware that people have their own agendas and it would be extremely presumptuous of me to assume that my coming out to them would have been appropriate at this time.
I did find myself in a position I haven't been in for at least 18 years and that in itself was a little uncomfortable, (i.e. how much I let on and aware that I don't fit in or have the right to understand every bit of a conversation when they are outside my own experiences, however isolating it can be). Surely I would have learnt a better way of dealing with situations like this at my age? However I also found myself today, in between the pain betwixt my ears, in a state of calm that I haven't been in for some time. I was/is the me I thought I'd lost several years ago to age, illness, time whatever you care to call it.
So what happened? I started the day in a slight state of anxiousness. After all this may have been the day I was to fill in the missing details about me which they hinted at when I last spoke to them. I was not kidding myself mind. I did remind myself to go with the flow, gauge what was going on around me and react accordingly. So I spent the day in a good mood, quick off the mark with witty repartee etc.
At the end of work we all headed off to the pub, which was a boat on the Thames near the centre of town, (an interesting combination if you are not used to the natural movements of such a vessel and then add alcohol. I'm happy to say my genes seemed to have inherited the sea legs of my fathers and mothers before me). There were many many people there from our office and further afield, this is as I have said, a remarkable person who many people like.
As the evening drew on people said their goodbyes and there was only a handful left, as is the way and the more meaningful (?) drink fuelled conversations kicked in. Well there were the usual "Ohhhhh... Riiiight!" moments where things click into place and you find out more about people. And these revelations, if you can call them revelations, (many people knew), took center stage. I still found myself identifying with a lot of things some people were saying, from my (covert?) TG perspective. But that is where I decided to leave it. I'm not sure how my fellow drinking buddies viewed me that night. Possibly a little confused or being like a fish out of water. But I was drunk, tired and concentrating hard on what they were saying. They were rightly being open about their own sexuality and I didn't want to spoil it for them by going on about me instead.
I'll get my chance, one day possibly, if it is right to do so. For now I am happy people have been comfortable enough to be more open in my company. Strange that. It happens a bit. Am I giving off similar "I'm repressed" vibes they are unconsciously picking up on. Or are they consciously picking up on them and possibly trying to bolster my confidence so I do eventually "come out" to them? Too complicated and nothing like that at all, is the most probable answer. New work friends anyway. Can't complain about that.
About Me
- Grace
- Living life somewhere along the transgender scale. Found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. Still get confused sometimes. Who wouldn't?
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Saying Something
Given what I've said recently I thought I would follow something up with a charity which I believe was inadvertently ignoring the 'T' in its website. I should be quick to point out this wasn't the complete picture as they were very much aware of 'T' later in their particular web page. Basically they are a charity that supports people who live with mental illness. This web page had the heading "Gay and Lesbian Mental Health". After this they rightly point out that being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or non transgender is not a mental illness. But they do recognise that the effects of social stigma etc can have an effect on an individuals mental health, as it would on anyone.
So I decided to send an email, just to request if they would consider amending their heading on the web page to be inclusive of B & T and suggesting to do so would avoid additional angst or confusion to people worried about their experiences and who may not necessarily identify as either Gay or Lesbian.
The reply within a few hours was along the lines of "Dear Grace, Thank you very much for your feedback which is very much appreciated. We have amended our web page please take a look at this link..."
Hardly a crusade or lengthy campaign. But it shows how sometimes bringing something to someones attention is all that is needed. Doubt I'll be going out now looking for lots more things to change. But I feel a bit more confident should a similar need arise again.
So I decided to send an email, just to request if they would consider amending their heading on the web page to be inclusive of B & T and suggesting to do so would avoid additional angst or confusion to people worried about their experiences and who may not necessarily identify as either Gay or Lesbian.
The reply within a few hours was along the lines of "Dear Grace, Thank you very much for your feedback which is very much appreciated. We have amended our web page please take a look at this link..."
Hardly a crusade or lengthy campaign. But it shows how sometimes bringing something to someones attention is all that is needed. Doubt I'll be going out now looking for lots more things to change. But I feel a bit more confident should a similar need arise again.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Synchronicity
Is that a word or just something I heard on the telly in an advert?
I think it sums up how my thought processes have been running over the past few days on a number of different aspects of my life. A balance I suppose of two sides/poles running in sync alongside each other in a binary dance/journey.
Obviously there is the gender side(s) to me and I've seen others refer to this recently, which seem to hit a chord. Not content with flipping and presenting as one to the other, but trying to find something in the middle which, (possibly), allows the widest expression of who we are in one neat little bundle, (who am I kidding when was any of this neat and easy to compartmentalise?). Ask a TG person why they have a complete different persona and you will get many varied answers. Amongst them though I've seen answers that I can identify with. These state that to explain who we are and what we experience is difficult. It is easier with the social constructs available to portray ourselves as fully female. Though as I said we are more comfortable in being able to express the widest possible innermost parts to ourselves as a whole rather than two separate poles. I'm not saying that natal women are able to do this either, as they themselves have social constructs placed upon them too, but do they seem more open to this way of thinking, or am I just imagining it? For me I would like to have the opportunity to be who I am and express the complete me without the fear of being rejected socially. Without the conscious repression of thoughts, comments and behaviour deemed to be inappropriate for a man. Why can't I comment on clothes and make up with female colleagues? Possibly a lot of this is just my own problem which I have to sort out? I have happily crossed into this realm in the past albeit slightly and felt comfortable doing so. I do of course with my wife who knows all about this side to me, (yay for some sanity!). Curiously as an aside female colleagues have picked up on the fact that my email persona is a lot more relaxed and open than when they see me in person.
I am of course also trying to find some balance of who I am with what I would like to do work wise. A tall order even without the current climate. Fruitless searches of the web come up with very little that can tie up my experience working in the NFP sector for other causes. I may have to consider just being me a lot more in the work that I do now amongst the muggles and progressing the social change that small way. Another, given the time constraints may be to consider becoming a virtual volunteer somewhere, though I've yet to find something I can fully identify with. Sometimes I find so disheartening organisations who claim to be working on behalf of LGBT and on further investigation the T is not really covered and you have to fall within the LGB bit in order to work for them. That will change I know in time, someone's just got to prove to them it is worthwhile doing so. Catch 22 meets chicken and egg et al.
Now there is as well, now that junior is slightly older, the opportunity to progress other parts to me, which have been on hold for a while as I juggled work and parenthood etc. However it is the balance again of progressing myself individually against that of my son and family. I so want to get back into some arty stuff as well as progress my writing skills which tend to waffle a lot.
Can someone arrange to add a few more hours onto each day please?
I think it sums up how my thought processes have been running over the past few days on a number of different aspects of my life. A balance I suppose of two sides/poles running in sync alongside each other in a binary dance/journey.
Obviously there is the gender side(s) to me and I've seen others refer to this recently, which seem to hit a chord. Not content with flipping and presenting as one to the other, but trying to find something in the middle which, (possibly), allows the widest expression of who we are in one neat little bundle, (who am I kidding when was any of this neat and easy to compartmentalise?). Ask a TG person why they have a complete different persona and you will get many varied answers. Amongst them though I've seen answers that I can identify with. These state that to explain who we are and what we experience is difficult. It is easier with the social constructs available to portray ourselves as fully female. Though as I said we are more comfortable in being able to express the widest possible innermost parts to ourselves as a whole rather than two separate poles. I'm not saying that natal women are able to do this either, as they themselves have social constructs placed upon them too, but do they seem more open to this way of thinking, or am I just imagining it? For me I would like to have the opportunity to be who I am and express the complete me without the fear of being rejected socially. Without the conscious repression of thoughts, comments and behaviour deemed to be inappropriate for a man. Why can't I comment on clothes and make up with female colleagues? Possibly a lot of this is just my own problem which I have to sort out? I have happily crossed into this realm in the past albeit slightly and felt comfortable doing so. I do of course with my wife who knows all about this side to me, (yay for some sanity!). Curiously as an aside female colleagues have picked up on the fact that my email persona is a lot more relaxed and open than when they see me in person.
I am of course also trying to find some balance of who I am with what I would like to do work wise. A tall order even without the current climate. Fruitless searches of the web come up with very little that can tie up my experience working in the NFP sector for other causes. I may have to consider just being me a lot more in the work that I do now amongst the muggles and progressing the social change that small way. Another, given the time constraints may be to consider becoming a virtual volunteer somewhere, though I've yet to find something I can fully identify with. Sometimes I find so disheartening organisations who claim to be working on behalf of LGBT and on further investigation the T is not really covered and you have to fall within the LGB bit in order to work for them. That will change I know in time, someone's just got to prove to them it is worthwhile doing so. Catch 22 meets chicken and egg et al.
Now there is as well, now that junior is slightly older, the opportunity to progress other parts to me, which have been on hold for a while as I juggled work and parenthood etc. However it is the balance again of progressing myself individually against that of my son and family. I so want to get back into some arty stuff as well as progress my writing skills which tend to waffle a lot.
Can someone arrange to add a few more hours onto each day please?
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Dear, dear, dear, dear Johnnie
Luvvieville
Just spent the last four days treading the boards, playing a small part in a musical. It wasn't something I had set out to do, but the opportunity to take part came along via the drama group junior attends. Had to do proper auditions, and attend a few months rehearsals, (I owe some people in work for allowing me to get to them). I have to admit it was fun and having not done something like this since I was at school, I am intrigued now that I want to get more involved. I don't mean on stage, (that is fun though and I wouldn't turn down the opportunity if it arose), but behind the scenes as well. So much goes on and not many people want to get involve with this side of things voluntarily, (maybe not so glamorous?), but again I enjoyed running up ladders etc and preparing the stage. I've helped make props before using my limited artistic talents and they have been made use of here as well. For me it made the experience complete and I think without it you cannot fully appreciate all the work that goes into a production.
Grace's Regrets
Treading the boards meant I had to turn down the opportunity to attend two events with people who know me as Grace. Alright I would be in male mode most probably, but being there is an outing in itself, however brief.
Not had a lot of time to express the Grace side to me either recently. Not too grumpy yet, Well not more than usual any how. But I feel the need growing on me. As an aside I've opted to paint my toenails gold for a while.
Art Appreciation
I've bought myself a painting yesterday. Well it isn't mine just yet, simply reserved. It's nothing too big, probably about A5 in size. I've seen this artist's work around before and have been drawn to them and I've contemplated buying before, (though a little out of my price range). This though just yelled out to be bought and I could afford it. It is a little different from what I've seen before, slightly abstract, but it so identifies with me and the sides to who I am. If all goes well it will soon be on my wall at home, (I do hope so anyway). Don't get me wrong I'm not one to go out and buy art on a regular basis, (I can't remember the last time I did), but that painting had "Grace" written all over it, (well not literally obviously).
School's Out For Summer
This year I'm working full time as opposed to part time. Alongside the fact that our Canada trip took a large chunk of Holiday Entitlement and money, (well worth it mind), I don't think I myself will be able to spend a lot of time with Junior over the next six weeks. My wife will be able to get the chance to spend some additional time with my son which she may not have been able to in past years. A change and I'm not sure what to think about it. I hope that in future I can address the balance again before he is all grown up.
The Lurgy... Dah dah daaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Well it's hardly front page news and in the current climate probably per se but it is only a matter of time before the dreaded swine flu hits a lot of us. I'm meeting a lot of people now who know someone who has, or thinks they may have had it. In work we have a policy in place and a lot of forms and procedures etc etc. We found out a few weeks ago, it is in our building, (a large building mind with lots of organisations over several floors), though not yet on our floor. My colleague has been experiencing a dry cough for about a week. Nothing else mind you and they are troopers to their own detriment often needing someone to send them home so they can concentrate on looking after themselves. Last Wednesday was one of those days. The cough was now accompanied by muscle aches and looking feverish. It was a tough job to convince them to go home and that their work would be covered. Since then the cogs have started turning, we don't know for definite and it may not be, but I've had to put my official management hat on and say that they can't come back until they are showing no symptoms, or until their GP/NHS direct says so. I feel like I'm coming across as a little over the top, but I want to make sure they are looking after themselves. I also have a director keeping an eye on the situation and assisting my handling of it too. It makes me think though with swine flu being reported as mild in the majority of cases, how many people are ignoring it, consciously or subconsciously and the risks this is placing on people who have underlying health problems. I speak from personally worrying with family members in this position should one of us bring this home and also from previous work where I had to consider coming into work with any type of flu/virus and how it could have an adverse effect on people I worked alongside in the care sector.
That's it for now.
Take care and God Bless
Just spent the last four days treading the boards, playing a small part in a musical. It wasn't something I had set out to do, but the opportunity to take part came along via the drama group junior attends. Had to do proper auditions, and attend a few months rehearsals, (I owe some people in work for allowing me to get to them). I have to admit it was fun and having not done something like this since I was at school, I am intrigued now that I want to get more involved. I don't mean on stage, (that is fun though and I wouldn't turn down the opportunity if it arose), but behind the scenes as well. So much goes on and not many people want to get involve with this side of things voluntarily, (maybe not so glamorous?), but again I enjoyed running up ladders etc and preparing the stage. I've helped make props before using my limited artistic talents and they have been made use of here as well. For me it made the experience complete and I think without it you cannot fully appreciate all the work that goes into a production.
Grace's Regrets
Treading the boards meant I had to turn down the opportunity to attend two events with people who know me as Grace. Alright I would be in male mode most probably, but being there is an outing in itself, however brief.
Not had a lot of time to express the Grace side to me either recently. Not too grumpy yet, Well not more than usual any how. But I feel the need growing on me. As an aside I've opted to paint my toenails gold for a while.
Art Appreciation
I've bought myself a painting yesterday. Well it isn't mine just yet, simply reserved. It's nothing too big, probably about A5 in size. I've seen this artist's work around before and have been drawn to them and I've contemplated buying before, (though a little out of my price range). This though just yelled out to be bought and I could afford it. It is a little different from what I've seen before, slightly abstract, but it so identifies with me and the sides to who I am. If all goes well it will soon be on my wall at home, (I do hope so anyway). Don't get me wrong I'm not one to go out and buy art on a regular basis, (I can't remember the last time I did), but that painting had "Grace" written all over it, (well not literally obviously).
School's Out For Summer
This year I'm working full time as opposed to part time. Alongside the fact that our Canada trip took a large chunk of Holiday Entitlement and money, (well worth it mind), I don't think I myself will be able to spend a lot of time with Junior over the next six weeks. My wife will be able to get the chance to spend some additional time with my son which she may not have been able to in past years. A change and I'm not sure what to think about it. I hope that in future I can address the balance again before he is all grown up.
The Lurgy... Dah dah daaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Well it's hardly front page news and in the current climate probably per se but it is only a matter of time before the dreaded swine flu hits a lot of us. I'm meeting a lot of people now who know someone who has, or thinks they may have had it. In work we have a policy in place and a lot of forms and procedures etc etc. We found out a few weeks ago, it is in our building, (a large building mind with lots of organisations over several floors), though not yet on our floor. My colleague has been experiencing a dry cough for about a week. Nothing else mind you and they are troopers to their own detriment often needing someone to send them home so they can concentrate on looking after themselves. Last Wednesday was one of those days. The cough was now accompanied by muscle aches and looking feverish. It was a tough job to convince them to go home and that their work would be covered. Since then the cogs have started turning, we don't know for definite and it may not be, but I've had to put my official management hat on and say that they can't come back until they are showing no symptoms, or until their GP/NHS direct says so. I feel like I'm coming across as a little over the top, but I want to make sure they are looking after themselves. I also have a director keeping an eye on the situation and assisting my handling of it too. It makes me think though with swine flu being reported as mild in the majority of cases, how many people are ignoring it, consciously or subconsciously and the risks this is placing on people who have underlying health problems. I speak from personally worrying with family members in this position should one of us bring this home and also from previous work where I had to consider coming into work with any type of flu/virus and how it could have an adverse effect on people I worked alongside in the care sector.
That's it for now.
Take care and God Bless
Friday, 10 July 2009
How Do You Do and Shake Hands
And the Winner is...
We held the interviews today and came away with a few good candidates. Tomorrow will show if we did enough to impress them, (yes the interview is a two way process), and if one will want to work for us and put up with my silly puns and often facile humour, (oh how I try not to act like David Brent, but often catch myself sounding so like him!).
Every Now and Then...
Someone enters your life who you think would be a great friend, (I should add platonic friend in case my wife reads this and worries unnecessarily). These moments are so, so few in a lifetime and you need to act otherwise you might regret not doing so. Such a moment has happened to me this week. Our office held a team building day away from the office which finished with drinks in the pub, as these things often do. Wine was flowing freely and we were all chatting about different things. One colleague was amazing the rest of us with her knowledge of astrology and her uncanny ability to relate this to who we are. For me it was said I portray myself in two ways. My public side and then my other side which I would only show at home to my partner and only because that trust is there to do so. This side will be nothing like what people elsewhere see. There is more but this is the main gist of what was said. I'm sat there listening, agreeing and also thinking whether this person knows about the TG side to me. Either by reading my posts and threads online, or picking up on something in my demeanor? This was compounded by her sometimes referring to me in a feminine way, "Girl" for example. I calmly didn't react and she apologised though she didn't really need to because it so connected with me.
Later on we got talking again and she shared some of her life and how she hoped it was getting better. I won't go into details out of respect for her privacy, but I do so hope it is. She is such a lovely person, sometimes timid, often a good laugh and one of those people who everyone just can't help liking. She shared a lot and that took a lot of trust, so much so that I feel the need to reciprocate that and maybe share this side to me, (I feel that it would be kept in trust). But was it just the drink buddy kind of thing? That is what I have to decide, but I have to soon as the person is leaving the office to go on to pastures new.
Like I said the possibilities of friendship like this come along very, very rarely in a lifetime. I've been in similar positions and regretted not being open enough once or twice before. What I will say is if that person is reading this blog let me know in work before you leave. If not let's see what happens. Good friends are hard to find.
Till next time Take Care and Have Fun!
We held the interviews today and came away with a few good candidates. Tomorrow will show if we did enough to impress them, (yes the interview is a two way process), and if one will want to work for us and put up with my silly puns and often facile humour, (oh how I try not to act like David Brent, but often catch myself sounding so like him!).
Every Now and Then...
Someone enters your life who you think would be a great friend, (I should add platonic friend in case my wife reads this and worries unnecessarily). These moments are so, so few in a lifetime and you need to act otherwise you might regret not doing so. Such a moment has happened to me this week. Our office held a team building day away from the office which finished with drinks in the pub, as these things often do. Wine was flowing freely and we were all chatting about different things. One colleague was amazing the rest of us with her knowledge of astrology and her uncanny ability to relate this to who we are. For me it was said I portray myself in two ways. My public side and then my other side which I would only show at home to my partner and only because that trust is there to do so. This side will be nothing like what people elsewhere see. There is more but this is the main gist of what was said. I'm sat there listening, agreeing and also thinking whether this person knows about the TG side to me. Either by reading my posts and threads online, or picking up on something in my demeanor? This was compounded by her sometimes referring to me in a feminine way, "Girl" for example. I calmly didn't react and she apologised though she didn't really need to because it so connected with me.
Later on we got talking again and she shared some of her life and how she hoped it was getting better. I won't go into details out of respect for her privacy, but I do so hope it is. She is such a lovely person, sometimes timid, often a good laugh and one of those people who everyone just can't help liking. She shared a lot and that took a lot of trust, so much so that I feel the need to reciprocate that and maybe share this side to me, (I feel that it would be kept in trust). But was it just the drink buddy kind of thing? That is what I have to decide, but I have to soon as the person is leaving the office to go on to pastures new.
Like I said the possibilities of friendship like this come along very, very rarely in a lifetime. I've been in similar positions and regretted not being open enough once or twice before. What I will say is if that person is reading this blog let me know in work before you leave. If not let's see what happens. Good friends are hard to find.
Till next time Take Care and Have Fun!
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