The day after the last

Decided to go en femme again and see if I could do a better job, given what I had to work with. Dyed my hair that morning, with few or no comments in work. Not an all over colouring, it is semi permanent golden brown and fits in rather well I feel. I know I said I feel happier with grey hair, but a girl has the right to change her mind occassionally and I had to try to see what it would look like.

Any how, back to last night I was much happier with the look. I note though I'm putting on a bit of weight so will have to watch that.

Succumbing

I did and I have spent the entire evening en femme. It has been so long that my make up wasn't that brilliant, especially given the heat as well. Spent some time in the garden when it got darker and sat sipping wine and appreciating the cooler air. Now it all has to come off and maybe I'll get another chance tomorrow night.

Hair Care.
Well after my little forray into theatre land when I had to spray my hair gold, I found that my grey hair became stained as a result, giving a slight hint of blonde but more a hint of green if you looked at it in the right light. So I've been toying with dying my hair blonde. My hairdesser last week tried to put me off saying it would require bleaching etc. So I'm going to opt for a semi permanent option. This willl mean only my grey hair becoming blonde and the rest more golden brown. It should only last for a couple of weeks to a month and I fancy doing something different for a short while. I spoken to my wife who says I should just get it out of my system. I don't intend to keep it as I rather like my silver grey hair, even en femme, but it is something I have to do. I'll give it a go tomorrow.

Talking about hair a colleague commented my hair was getting as long as hers and looking the same. I discussed wanting to dye my hair and it was a nice talk about hiding the grey etc. Not quite girl to girl but the best I can hope for.

Glimmers

Two things stood out for me today.

First was a post on Angels which led me to read an interview with Richard O'Brien in the Times. It provided some hope to me to see someone so well known who has experienced what many of us do, have, or are at the moment. I truly can identify with much of what he said being somewhere on the TG scale and how trying to find a balance, rather than seeing this all as something seedy and weird was what helped him. I have to admit that I have been thinking that way for over five to six years. Sometime progressing my balance within the world around me is what makes things difficult. Nice to know I'm not alone.

The second was the last song on my MP3 player playing randomly before switching off and starting work. The song was "Hold On" by Wilson Phillps. Closed my eyes at my desk and let the words fill my mind and being, miming the words full of expression and feeling. Then opening my eyes to find my colleague sitting opposite and us both laughing at my embarrassment.

Alone again tonight and still not glimpsed inside the wardrobe. Decided to shave my legs instead. A laborious task given I am quite hirsute usually and choose not to do this often given the time it takes and save it for special occasions instead. Added to this my wife prefers her cuddly hairy man. So I keep the status quo happily. I just need to now for some reason. I'll let it grow back, but will have to be sure I keep them out of sight of my son. He's young and I do enough as a grumpy Dad etc without this additional thing to mess him up.

Alright in the box?

There are times when the feminine side to me just wont fit into the balance of life. It hints and gnaws away, yearning to be let out of the box. It ignores everything else that goes on around the rest of my life, interfering and hindering with my work, not letting me have much rest mentally. The problem, in part is not having had much chance, if at all in the past few months, to express myself in my entirety. But having said that I'm at home on my own now and I'm not raiding my wardrobe. Why? What else is going on?

I have to admit my perceived recent close calls with a work colleague and conversations with another have made me wonder... What if I came out? If only to a select few? What if I did and managed in some small way to be the complete me for a minute part of my life? I was told the other day that I was a "Gem". Why? I asked. Why do you have to say that? The reply was that I was so accepting and non judgemental. Again I asked why should that have to be? Thinking about it now perhaps I was looking for a glimmer of recognition that perhaps I have an inkling of what it is to hide from the public, afraid of breaking a social taboo, because I am TG. Not as accepting as an ordinary person might, more understanding and without saying so I am living a sham even with these colleagues.

That isn't all though is it? If you look back at my past posts you can see that I am questioning if I could put my work life and this TG side of me together. At present I don't see there being much opportunity. There seems to be so little out there and I'm at a loss at the moment as to where else to look.

Work has had its ups and downs. Every 12-24 months there is some kind of review, proof required that my job and team are worth saving. The last was this April and already I have seen hints what the next review will be about in a year or more's time.

With everything put together I'm finding it is affecting my work. I can't concentrate and I'm growing restless. In the past I would leave the TG stuff at home. Now I can't. The need to find something else work wise and to meet my current angst is getting in the way. I'm in the Doldrums yet again. This seems to be happening more. I recall feeling similarly a year ago, but it seemed less then. The results were that I drew myself into a mental ball and locked myself away from work for a few days, staying at home and nursing my bruised emotions. I realise and recognise I don't want to be a woman full-time but there are sides to me that need to come out and come together with the rest of what the outside world sees. I've taken some big steps in the past two years, but they are not enough. I want, no, need to get a balance that allows this and give something back at the same time. I've done enough helping other people and their causes. Surely I can do more when I am doing something in an area that I can identify and empathise with?

I hope I can find some resolution, however long it takes.

Enough rambling. I had to get this out of my system. It may not mean much, but getting it down at least helps in the process of sorting things out and building on this. Sorry if this has been a little boring.

Some Things Are Strangely Relative

Went to a family do recently and got some very strange reactions. Not what I would usually expect to get, with the longish hair and amber ear studs, which happens occasionally. This was different and I didn't know how to react.

A little background I think might help to explain. My Grandfather died 34 years ago and for whatever reasons I have never met his side of the family since I was extremely young and cannot recall doing so. I was invited to attend a do by my great aunt, (his sister), via my mother. Now I know I have a likeness to my grandfather, both in looks and ways but I never knew how much until the night of the do. Through out the night I would be in conversation with people and would occasionally be confronted by "oooh!", a slightly puzzled look and a step back. I had no way to report back except to ask "what?" and feel extremely uncomfortable. I transpires I am much much more like my grandfather than I realised, so much so that I think in some freak genetic way he was haunting the proceedings through me. Quelle horreur?! His sisters and in laws seemed a little taken aback. Anyhow I'm sure we will get used to it, all round, in time.