Changes

I've just been looking through old photos of me en femme, taken over the past few years and note the changes as I have developed. Different looks, some good, some bad. Different age, so much younger, even seven years ago. Much slimmer then as well, (eek!), wish I still had that lithe figure. Not too many faux pas on the fashion front, (well I think I had enough sense to delete those almost as soon as I took them). Quite a journey of discovery and still travelling.

I look at the fresh faced 30 (something) year old and recall the Ecstasy and euphoria mixed up with uncertainty and vulnerability, as I was able to record this properly for the first time. I also see the landmark moments. Buying my first proper wig, then breast forms. Getting some decent make-up. Opting to start growing my hair and then colour it. Opting to go for a professional cut and colour shortly afterwards. To now, where I see someone who is more at home with myself. A little more confident and secure in knowing who I am. Becoming more everyday, a balance, complete. Clothing, where acceptable, being worn in either male or female mode. If I could, is there anything I would pass on to the previous versions of myself? Not really. That will be for them to discover and find out. Life will throw its challenges, but I'm still here.

I'm looking ahead now and some of the changes I'm going to have to make very soon. Financially I'm not sure if I can keep getting my hair done, so might have to opt for getting it cut less and consider other alternatives to colouring. I might try and grow it back to grey, putting a rinse through every so often to disguise the grey roots growing out. I will also have to curtail my spending a bit more. I think I have enough basic options and combinations to get me through clothing wise. I'm hardly dressing en femme every day and there are those things I can wear either way.

I'm becoming more open on occasion, or "out there" as my wife puts it. Borders have been crossed enough for some people possibly to make assumptions. How much more open will I become? I'm getting more confident in how I look and I wonder more about getting out as Grace from time to time. Will that create some newer dimensions to me? Will that be a good thing for me and my family?

My wife is under pressure to start getting things ready for a transplant. I'm going forward with the paired donor option as I can't donate directly to my wife. It may not happen straight away but come the New Year, if not sooner, we are looking at changes to how we live with this. Getting the house ready, preparing for dialysis if it is needed in between time, then waiting for the possible 'yes' or 'no' every few months for the paired donor scheme, or that call at anytime of the day or night that a suitable kidney has become available. I'm wary about being seen to indulge in this side to me, even though it is just an more complete expression of who I am.

Work continues to have its ups and downs. No job is ever safe and I really need to develop. They have been accommodating both on my involvement with the LGBT steering group and future possible time around my wife's surgery and recovery. I hope this isn't compromised by further cuts to service budgets etc and if it is any future employer are as much or more accommodating to my circumstances.

So what possible advice would I hope to get from my future self reading this in a few years time? Nothing really I suppose. Life will throw its challenges I'm sure, but it would be nice to know that I am reading this. Still here.