Do as you're told...?

As a parent of a son now in secondary school I am increasingly becoming aware that simply laying down the law as per the Johnstone household dictates is becoming less and less effective. There is an increasing necessity to discuss and debate the reasons behind them and amend them where necessary. Especially if those same household laws are outdated and do not take into account the feelings and beliefs of the entire household. Without this such approaches become based on outdated information that do not reflect the here and now, nor the hopes for the future.

Yes there are times when you are in a corner and the rest of the household think you are wrong, but you know deep in your heart that you are right. So what to do in these circumstances? Shouting loudly tends to have a similar reaction right back at you. Bringing up something which was said, or happened some time ago, in the hope it will act as some kind of ammunition, again tends to get someone on the defensive as well, with similar accusations thrown back at you. These can lead to two things, maybe more. Those two things increase animosity within the clan. They are attributable to rising anger which may manifest itself as such, or as restricted communication, (i.e. monosyllabic grunts at the breakfast table). So either the battle lines become more entrenched, or you become more isolated with only those who follow what you say without question for company.

Some of you may recognise where I'm coming from. As an aging psychology graduate I have done some reading about parenting styles, which I'm sure there are many more classifications and sub classifications now. They are also very much out there in the literature in books and parenting magazines etc. But above I am relating possibly to the dictatorial style of parenting versus the democratic. Lassez faire or 'whatever' style being probably the next major approach. I suppose what is the best approach is a flexible one which covers all styles for when they are best applied in any given situation. To remain in just one, unmoving, is not possibly healthy for a household and there are times when utilising more of one particular style is the best option. Otherwise the household breaks down and splits up almost irrevocably. I would point out that no amount of study prepares you for the real thing and I am often prone to get things wrong.

So back to the question what to do in these circumstances where you feel you are right when all about you are wrong? Dialogue I suppose is the start. Finding if there is any common ground to build or repair the relationships. Identifying in however small a way with each other. Finding cause to build some empathy. In the early stages, especially if someone is a novice in such matters or used to another form of approach, they may try to utilise what they have previously used and try and adapt the new direct and open approach to fit what they are happiest using. It does after all lend to keeping a perceived locus of control. I find my son does this at the moment. I may not get the full details or just those which fit best the argument. I may also get all the facts though perhaps "not necessarily in the right order". It is then that I have to ask more questions, giving my reasons to do so. Trying to see why he is putting things in such an order and why other things may be omitted help me to see the whole person and much of what is affecting him at the moment.  

Empathy. It may not be the end all and be all, but it is something intrinsic to social etiquette and development. People are open to this development largely. This ability to educate and update our views. Some views held in the past may not reflect what we hold now. I know there are some, to me questionable, views I held in the past, which thankfully I have changed down to the people I have met and the knowledge and experiences they have imparted. Parenting within a family develops that small social structure. The individuals within that household may then take some of this into the wider world and back again, supporting each other when conflicts may arise etc perhaps.

Intrinsic parts which are in need of tending, feeding and protection when necessary. Sorry to use a nurturing analogy. Rotating styles stops things from becoming less and less efficient as the things you rely on drain the resources you have. Adapting styles to meet the needs of what is in front of you and those of the future. Telling my son to do, or not do something is no longer enough. Telling him someone may be a bad influence or may harm him is no good unless I have an understanding of those others and I'm not basing it on some unbased internal dislikes or prejudices. Realising that past experiences may not necessarily reflect everything and everyone in the here and now and that they should not all be tainted for this, and can change or have already.

Parenting, whether it is a choice or something which falls unexpectedly in your lap, is a responsibility of sorts, if that is what you expect or want it to be. Your are a cog that is part of the machinery that makes up the family. Get it wrong and the family could just be set to make the same mistakes over and over again. Get it wrong and the family could eventually cease to function with members going elsewhere for support etc if they can find it. Get it wrong and you become just an individual on your own, maybe with only others in a similar position for company. Get it right and things develop,  are open to new ideas, able to debate and discuss, to build bridges and to educate. Get it right and this can go further beyond the household, maybe with pride and confidence that when conflict or disagreement is met elsewhere there is strength and support behind you.

So the next time my son asks why, or has a view different to my own, I hope I can impart the following knowledge... There are moments in life when you have to ask yourself whether it is better to follow blindly what some people tell you simply because they are shouting the loudest. Or whether it is better to make an informed decision based on dialogue and empathy of how others may feel and how you may feel in their place. If they don't want to, at least you can tell yourself you tried. then leave them to their own devices, making sure you leave a door open if they change their minds. That is a truer, stronger and longer lasting path to maturity.