I'm having one of those days

I’m finding it difficult to keep the feminine side to me under wraps today. How can I explain the feelings of anxiety and frustration at not being able to express this side to me when it is at its strongest? I loathe when it gets like this. Not the feeling itself. I loathe having to repress all this. I loathe not being able to just be me when I get like this. I just want to be accepted. For this to be seen as normal. To be part of life’s rich tapestry, (sorry for the cliché).

I know what has triggered this most recent state of affairs. Things were fairly quiet on the need to express myself front. I’ve taken it easy with the outward expression, reigned back on the little things like androgynous mix of clothes and clear nail polish etc. Partly because a new member of staff was starting in work as part of my team and I didn’t want to scare her away just yet, partly because opportunities at home have become less now that my son is older, and partly because the need just wasn’t there. I have to admit I liked the more male look as it is as much a part of me as the female. Now though la femme is back with a vengeance and I just have to let this out somehow! The trigger was in part getting the opportunity to open the Pandora’s Box and be more daring last Friday in work as I was on my own. Nothing too O.T.T. but back to the balanced look as I like to call it. I’ve also being doing some in depth T related work in the office requiring some deep thinking. Then over the weekend on telly I watched “Skin” and “Milk” on the television. Both really hitting home about discrimination towards people for being different. All this seems to have been playing on my mind Things just don’t seem right. I have to admit to feeling a little anger here as well just to add to the mix.

Then comes the worry. Just how much has repressing this held me back over the years? How much more ingrained this will become in my psyche. Will it become all consuming? Do I want it to? What would happen if more and more people knew? Is this the urge for a primal transgender scream I’m feeling, or do I just need a good cry?

I’m sure this may come as a surprise to those of you who don’t experience transgender life. Especially if you look at my past blogs where I probably come across as fairly with it and accepting of this side to my life. And yes I am. I do wish to live a life in balance if that is possible. I like being male and female. Sometimes the urge to be feminine and female is as all consuming as the need to be masculine and male at other times. It’s just that it is easier to do the male side of things in life. Life at present appears to be holding me back on doing the female side of things and that is what is so aggravating about it! This is what being Trans for me is about at the moment. Part of my Trans experience. It’s not unusual as Trans things go. Quite normal probably. Being together and accepting of yourself helps to prepare you for days like this. Life still has its obstacles and prejudices and discrimination to hold you back, real, imaginary or otherwise.

I need to organise some femme time soon. How I’m not sure but soon. A few days off perhaps, maybe something else? I’ll have a think.