Quiet here in old blogland innit?
Well I have had other things on, so I hope you will forgive me? I'm still here, maybe not doing so much in this ethersphere, but still here.
Things are OK. Work continues to be a pain, though I find I'm coming out to more people there in my role within the LGBT group. Hopefully we can start getting things out there in the public forum this year. Let's see. Strangely with regards to being more open personally, I'm finding it is just another thing, no biggie, but it is with colleagues I'm gauging as trustworthy first. Let's see what happens if it becomes more openly known. I've no real reason to have to come out. Transition is not something I want, as I have said before. I'm your typical closeted trans person trying to find a balance. As such I don't have a reason to be out there other than to show people like me exist within the world and therefore need consideration.
Work continues to be challenging generally. I'll say no more on that. Nothing to update regarding the live donor stuff either.
Have to admit to following Corrie for the first time in years, to see what happens with the Marc/Marcia story. Seems positive on the whole, reflecting a lot of the different aspects encountered. What stands out most is living as yourself and being accused/labelling yourself as the 'other woman'. Difficult to get over and through. Let's see how they develop this story. Only niggle I would have was Marcia's friend confronting Audrey in what seemed to be a drag artist's bitchy riposte of "Who's he?!" Are there really people out there like that? OK there are I suppose but it did seem to reflect a lack of understanding. Was there a need for that other than for Audrey to reply that she was the "real deal!" Artistic/dramatic license probably to develop the plot line, so I would suggest cutting them some slack.
I'm in another play this summer. A smaller role which suits me fine at the moment with so much going on elsewhere. Shakespeare don't you know and quite a funny one too. Still not entirely comfortable within the falseness of some of the things that go with theatre, but if I'm aware of it at least I can try and ignore it or give it a wide berth.
The little I have lost weight-wise went out the window over Easter and I have to start all over again. So I will have to make sure I don't get involved in too many after rehearsal drinks. Have to admit to having a glass of red wine tonight. Apologies if this seems blog seems a bit jumpy. Hope you'll understand!
About Me
- Grace
- Living life somewhere along the transgender scale. Found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. Still get confused sometimes. Who wouldn't?
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Gaining strength from a most unusual situation
Heading home last night from work and I encountered what is probably a minor trans moment. As you probably know my look is blurring boundaries more nowadays, with plucked eyebrows, longer dyed hair, wider choice of earrings/studs and choosing to wear androgynous womens' jeans & tops when I choose to do so. I was having a bad hair day so opted to tie my hair back. Anyway I digress, After work, getting on the train to go home I was stood by the door watching the world go by whilst listening to some music on my mp3. Over the sound of the music I heard a woman's voice saying " Is that a man?" and the replies "It is!" I looked out of the corner of my eye to see two middle aged couples glancing over their shoulders at me then turning back and smirking. They weren't being overly open but everyone in the carriage could hear. It was then that I realised what I do in such situations. I wasn't embarrassed. Far from it. More bloody minded and determined to carry on as normal. It wasn't worth addressing them. Poor loves gave the impression they were visiting the big smoke, so I can forgive them their lack of London etiquette. Not sure where their narrow mindedness is based but let's hope yesterday was the start of their education that people like me exist. Here's hoping they start to see many more now and as such have begun their journey into the desensitisation of their views. I took the opportunity to look around the carriage to see if these comments were drawing any other looks or stares my way. Far from it and quite the opposite in fact. One young lady was looking at me with what can only be described as an empathic and strengthening gaze. Everyone else were fixed on the couples concerned with what only can be described as belittling and disbelieving glares.
That wont happen every time I'm sure if anything similar happens again, but I can draw strength from the fact I didn't let it affect me and the quiet non assuming reaction of the rest of the carriage.
That wont happen every time I'm sure if anything similar happens again, but I can draw strength from the fact I didn't let it affect me and the quiet non assuming reaction of the rest of the carriage.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Do as you're told...?
As a parent of a son now in secondary school I am increasingly becoming aware that simply laying down the law as per the Johnstone household dictates is becoming less and less effective. There is an increasing necessity to discuss and debate the reasons behind them and amend them where necessary. Especially if those same household laws are outdated and do not take into account the feelings and beliefs of the entire household. Without this such approaches become based on outdated information that do not reflect the here and now, nor the hopes for the future.
Yes there are times when you are in a corner and the rest of the household think you are wrong, but you know deep in your heart that you are right. So what to do in these circumstances? Shouting loudly tends to have a similar reaction right back at you. Bringing up something which was said, or happened some time ago, in the hope it will act as some kind of ammunition, again tends to get someone on the defensive as well, with similar accusations thrown back at you. These can lead to two things, maybe more. Those two things increase animosity within the clan. They are attributable to rising anger which may manifest itself as such, or as restricted communication, (i.e. monosyllabic grunts at the breakfast table). So either the battle lines become more entrenched, or you become more isolated with only those who follow what you say without question for company.
Some of you may recognise where I'm coming from. As an aging psychology graduate I have done some reading about parenting styles, which I'm sure there are many more classifications and sub classifications now. They are also very much out there in the literature in books and parenting magazines etc. But above I am relating possibly to the dictatorial style of parenting versus the democratic. Lassez faire or 'whatever' style being probably the next major approach. I suppose what is the best approach is a flexible one which covers all styles for when they are best applied in any given situation. To remain in just one, unmoving, is not possibly healthy for a household and there are times when utilising more of one particular style is the best option. Otherwise the household breaks down and splits up almost irrevocably. I would point out that no amount of study prepares you for the real thing and I am often prone to get things wrong.
So back to the question what to do in these circumstances where you feel you are right when all about you are wrong? Dialogue I suppose is the start. Finding if there is any common ground to build or repair the relationships. Identifying in however small a way with each other. Finding cause to build some empathy. In the early stages, especially if someone is a novice in such matters or used to another form of approach, they may try to utilise what they have previously used and try and adapt the new direct and open approach to fit what they are happiest using. It does after all lend to keeping a perceived locus of control. I find my son does this at the moment. I may not get the full details or just those which fit best the argument. I may also get all the facts though perhaps "not necessarily in the right order". It is then that I have to ask more questions, giving my reasons to do so. Trying to see why he is putting things in such an order and why other things may be omitted help me to see the whole person and much of what is affecting him at the moment.
Empathy. It may not be the end all and be all, but it is something intrinsic to social etiquette and development. People are open to this development largely. This ability to educate and update our views. Some views held in the past may not reflect what we hold now. I know there are some, to me questionable, views I held in the past, which thankfully I have changed down to the people I have met and the knowledge and experiences they have imparted. Parenting within a family develops that small social structure. The individuals within that household may then take some of this into the wider world and back again, supporting each other when conflicts may arise etc perhaps.
Intrinsic parts which are in need of tending, feeding and protection when necessary. Sorry to use a nurturing analogy. Rotating styles stops things from becoming less and less efficient as the things you rely on drain the resources you have. Adapting styles to meet the needs of what is in front of you and those of the future. Telling my son to do, or not do something is no longer enough. Telling him someone may be a bad influence or may harm him is no good unless I have an understanding of those others and I'm not basing it on some unbased internal dislikes or prejudices. Realising that past experiences may not necessarily reflect everything and everyone in the here and now and that they should not all be tainted for this, and can change or have already.
Parenting, whether it is a choice or something which falls unexpectedly in your lap, is a responsibility of sorts, if that is what you expect or want it to be. Your are a cog that is part of the machinery that makes up the family. Get it wrong and the family could just be set to make the same mistakes over and over again. Get it wrong and the family could eventually cease to function with members going elsewhere for support etc if they can find it. Get it wrong and you become just an individual on your own, maybe with only others in a similar position for company. Get it right and things develop, are open to new ideas, able to debate and discuss, to build bridges and to educate. Get it right and this can go further beyond the household, maybe with pride and confidence that when conflict or disagreement is met elsewhere there is strength and support behind you.
So the next time my son asks why, or has a view different to my own, I hope I can impart the following knowledge... There are moments in life when you have to ask yourself whether it is better to follow blindly what some people tell you simply because they are shouting the loudest. Or whether it is better to make an informed decision based on dialogue and empathy of how others may feel and how you may feel in their place. If they don't want to, at least you can tell yourself you tried. then leave them to their own devices, making sure you leave a door open if they change their minds. That is a truer, stronger and longer lasting path to maturity.
Yes there are times when you are in a corner and the rest of the household think you are wrong, but you know deep in your heart that you are right. So what to do in these circumstances? Shouting loudly tends to have a similar reaction right back at you. Bringing up something which was said, or happened some time ago, in the hope it will act as some kind of ammunition, again tends to get someone on the defensive as well, with similar accusations thrown back at you. These can lead to two things, maybe more. Those two things increase animosity within the clan. They are attributable to rising anger which may manifest itself as such, or as restricted communication, (i.e. monosyllabic grunts at the breakfast table). So either the battle lines become more entrenched, or you become more isolated with only those who follow what you say without question for company.
Some of you may recognise where I'm coming from. As an aging psychology graduate I have done some reading about parenting styles, which I'm sure there are many more classifications and sub classifications now. They are also very much out there in the literature in books and parenting magazines etc. But above I am relating possibly to the dictatorial style of parenting versus the democratic. Lassez faire or 'whatever' style being probably the next major approach. I suppose what is the best approach is a flexible one which covers all styles for when they are best applied in any given situation. To remain in just one, unmoving, is not possibly healthy for a household and there are times when utilising more of one particular style is the best option. Otherwise the household breaks down and splits up almost irrevocably. I would point out that no amount of study prepares you for the real thing and I am often prone to get things wrong.
So back to the question what to do in these circumstances where you feel you are right when all about you are wrong? Dialogue I suppose is the start. Finding if there is any common ground to build or repair the relationships. Identifying in however small a way with each other. Finding cause to build some empathy. In the early stages, especially if someone is a novice in such matters or used to another form of approach, they may try to utilise what they have previously used and try and adapt the new direct and open approach to fit what they are happiest using. It does after all lend to keeping a perceived locus of control. I find my son does this at the moment. I may not get the full details or just those which fit best the argument. I may also get all the facts though perhaps "not necessarily in the right order". It is then that I have to ask more questions, giving my reasons to do so. Trying to see why he is putting things in such an order and why other things may be omitted help me to see the whole person and much of what is affecting him at the moment.
Empathy. It may not be the end all and be all, but it is something intrinsic to social etiquette and development. People are open to this development largely. This ability to educate and update our views. Some views held in the past may not reflect what we hold now. I know there are some, to me questionable, views I held in the past, which thankfully I have changed down to the people I have met and the knowledge and experiences they have imparted. Parenting within a family develops that small social structure. The individuals within that household may then take some of this into the wider world and back again, supporting each other when conflicts may arise etc perhaps.
Intrinsic parts which are in need of tending, feeding and protection when necessary. Sorry to use a nurturing analogy. Rotating styles stops things from becoming less and less efficient as the things you rely on drain the resources you have. Adapting styles to meet the needs of what is in front of you and those of the future. Telling my son to do, or not do something is no longer enough. Telling him someone may be a bad influence or may harm him is no good unless I have an understanding of those others and I'm not basing it on some unbased internal dislikes or prejudices. Realising that past experiences may not necessarily reflect everything and everyone in the here and now and that they should not all be tainted for this, and can change or have already.
Parenting, whether it is a choice or something which falls unexpectedly in your lap, is a responsibility of sorts, if that is what you expect or want it to be. Your are a cog that is part of the machinery that makes up the family. Get it wrong and the family could just be set to make the same mistakes over and over again. Get it wrong and the family could eventually cease to function with members going elsewhere for support etc if they can find it. Get it wrong and you become just an individual on your own, maybe with only others in a similar position for company. Get it right and things develop, are open to new ideas, able to debate and discuss, to build bridges and to educate. Get it right and this can go further beyond the household, maybe with pride and confidence that when conflict or disagreement is met elsewhere there is strength and support behind you.
So the next time my son asks why, or has a view different to my own, I hope I can impart the following knowledge... There are moments in life when you have to ask yourself whether it is better to follow blindly what some people tell you simply because they are shouting the loudest. Or whether it is better to make an informed decision based on dialogue and empathy of how others may feel and how you may feel in their place. If they don't want to, at least you can tell yourself you tried. then leave them to their own devices, making sure you leave a door open if they change their minds. That is a truer, stronger and longer lasting path to maturity.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Magic Moments
Having some moments which are triggering some strong memories. The sunshine and the feel of the day over the past week or so are reminding me of the days in the early 80's where as kids we would leave our house early in the morning and walk out across the fields that backed onto our houses. That fresh early morning feeling, quiet and nothing but you and the countryside with the whole day ahead.
Getting feelings like this have been quite rare for me over the past few years, which make these so special. I really hope that memory connections like this become more regular in my life again. Recognising where I have come from is one thing, feeling it is quite another and so important to the person I am. For too long I've been just existing on a day to day basis. Far better to fly a plane than rely on the autopilot all the time.
Getting feelings like this have been quite rare for me over the past few years, which make these so special. I really hope that memory connections like this become more regular in my life again. Recognising where I have come from is one thing, feeling it is quite another and so important to the person I am. For too long I've been just existing on a day to day basis. Far better to fly a plane than rely on the autopilot all the time.
Friday, 1 April 2011
Hoaky Croaky
This week I've had an enforced week off due to the chest infection I had for the previous two weeks getting worse. So a quick trip to the doctor revealed it wasn't viral and needed a course of antibiotics. My voice has been particulalry croaky and hoarse and very unladylike. However today I feel almost back to my usual self and finally got the chance to have a femme day.I'm not sure how much I would pass in the street, but I am sure things have progressed over the past year in many ways. I am more certain of who I am and where I sit in this gender varied world in which we all live. Balance is still my aim with the leanings towards more male and female as I feel best at any given time. I do wonder though sometimes if I should be venturing outside occassionally. Somewhere safe with support from friends. Who knows, it may just happen this year.
I'm feeling incredibly relaxed at the moment. Something I haven't felt in a long, long time. Hope it lasts for a while. It doesn't half help dealing with things, that's for sure.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Did I say "Once bitten..."?
Well it seems my trepidation was valid work wise. Can't say too much until more is known. Needless to say it's pretty much more of the same which we have seen and experienced before. Not going to burn any bridges. Will have to look at how this pans out and make the most of it as I have done time and again. At the end of the day with everything else going on the moment a steady income is nothing to be sniffed at but in a worse case scenario it will just become that, a job, nothing more.
So I guess this means trying to find more out of life elsewhere. Oooo decisions, decisions.
On a plus side I'm through to the next stage of tests. I found out I'm a Little shorter than I used to be and only a little bit overweight... Yay! Still not counting my chickens on this one yet though. There are still a lot of hurdles to jump.
So I guess this means trying to find more out of life elsewhere. Oooo decisions, decisions.
On a plus side I'm through to the next stage of tests. I found out I'm a Little shorter than I used to be and only a little bit overweight... Yay! Still not counting my chickens on this one yet though. There are still a lot of hurdles to jump.
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Blurrggh!
I've been a little under the weather the past few days, feeling dizzy and weird and wanting to fall asleep a lot. I'm putting it down to something going around in work but it just won't come to anything. I'd like to take a day off and recuperate but things have been busy and I've been covering whilst the rest of my team are away. This means I'm just feeling more tired at the end of the day. I intend to right the balance soon.
The letter with the first Work Up appointment arrived the day after my last blog. That's always the way isn't it? It will be in a few weeks and will take place over a day with a few tests booked and a talk with the Renal Transplant Co-ordinator. Hopefully that will bring us a little closer to finding out if I would be a suitable donor. In the mean time I'm trying to make a start ahead of this and to eat a little more healthily. I'm not overweight but I would like to loose this tummy I have. Just middle age spread and to get back down to what I was a few years back would be ideal. Last week's minor progress was all but lost what with this feeling unwell and lack of activity. No Tai Chi either as it was cancelled at the last minute. Think when I'm feeling more well I will have to find some additional activity to burn some calories. Maybe walking during my lunch hour.
The feminine side to me is very strong at the moment, whether that is a reaction to feeling a little unwell, stressed or just plain vulnerable, I don't know. There is an inner strength to it though and it compliments my everyday state of mind. It's helping me to get through the day.
The letter with the first Work Up appointment arrived the day after my last blog. That's always the way isn't it? It will be in a few weeks and will take place over a day with a few tests booked and a talk with the Renal Transplant Co-ordinator. Hopefully that will bring us a little closer to finding out if I would be a suitable donor. In the mean time I'm trying to make a start ahead of this and to eat a little more healthily. I'm not overweight but I would like to loose this tummy I have. Just middle age spread and to get back down to what I was a few years back would be ideal. Last week's minor progress was all but lost what with this feeling unwell and lack of activity. No Tai Chi either as it was cancelled at the last minute. Think when I'm feeling more well I will have to find some additional activity to burn some calories. Maybe walking during my lunch hour.
The feminine side to me is very strong at the moment, whether that is a reaction to feeling a little unwell, stressed or just plain vulnerable, I don't know. There is an inner strength to it though and it compliments my everyday state of mind. It's helping me to get through the day.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Life in Tandem
It’s strange, how on one hand things are rushing along at a headlong pace and on the other, things are just so slow, almost to the point of distraction. I’m experiencing a kind of dual time line at the moment, with both running parallel to each other.
In work I still don’t know much more about what is going to happen. However the little odds and ends I have gleaned make things look promising. It won’t be easy but it looks like, at last, I could be running a proper service, with proper input and expected outcomes. My mind is doing overtime at the moment trying to put together all the hopes and ideas into some coherent form so I’m ready for the discussions and plans that lie ahead. I almost want to cry at the prospect of some relief from having run a service largely ignored up till now by the organisation. That is what brings me down to earth again. Once bitten they say... Or in this case, several times, (shall we say slightly gnawed instead?). I have been here before, hence my slight trepidation, which is a healthy thing to have. True, I don’t know the full facts of what is going to happen yet. Nor do I know what is going to happen to my post, but the hints I’m getting suggest that my team is part of the plan this time and not just an aside. Proper slotting in and overseen from a service provision point of view too. I wait with some eager anticipation to see how this develops. I appear to be getting a raison d'être again work-wise. But let’s see.
At home things have not left much time for anything. Money is getting tighter and tempers are fraying a little at times for all sorts of reasons. Personally too I’m not getting any Grace time and I haven’t since before Christmas. I’m ashamed to say this means occasionally I have gotten grumpy when I see opportunities lost at the last minute to something else. I need to book a day or two’s me time. I need to look after myself as well, though the opportunity may not arise for a couple more weeks yet. Booking it in work though will be a boost in itself and something to look forward to. I have to say mind that moods are improving a little at home with cuddles/hugs and decent conversations reappearing. I’ve also started Tai Chi in the last few weeks. It is something which I so wanted to do over the past few years but opportunities have always seemed to clash with other things. We’re doing it in work and I have to admit after a lesson, with calming music, subdued lighting and fabulous views over the city, I am so chilled out and relaxed. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re thinking about doing Tai Chi yourself.
So with so much going on, what if anything is going so slowly? Well I haven’t yet heard anything from the hospital about my own tests and possible work up. I know it is only a few weeks, and that this is the NHS we’re talking about, but I would like to find out whether I would be a viable donor for my wife. These few weeks have felt like months paradoxically when compared to everything else going on. I’ll give it another week before chasing this up with the hospital.
In work I still don’t know much more about what is going to happen. However the little odds and ends I have gleaned make things look promising. It won’t be easy but it looks like, at last, I could be running a proper service, with proper input and expected outcomes. My mind is doing overtime at the moment trying to put together all the hopes and ideas into some coherent form so I’m ready for the discussions and plans that lie ahead. I almost want to cry at the prospect of some relief from having run a service largely ignored up till now by the organisation. That is what brings me down to earth again. Once bitten they say... Or in this case, several times, (shall we say slightly gnawed instead?). I have been here before, hence my slight trepidation, which is a healthy thing to have. True, I don’t know the full facts of what is going to happen yet. Nor do I know what is going to happen to my post, but the hints I’m getting suggest that my team is part of the plan this time and not just an aside. Proper slotting in and overseen from a service provision point of view too. I wait with some eager anticipation to see how this develops. I appear to be getting a raison d'être again work-wise. But let’s see.
At home things have not left much time for anything. Money is getting tighter and tempers are fraying a little at times for all sorts of reasons. Personally too I’m not getting any Grace time and I haven’t since before Christmas. I’m ashamed to say this means occasionally I have gotten grumpy when I see opportunities lost at the last minute to something else. I need to book a day or two’s me time. I need to look after myself as well, though the opportunity may not arise for a couple more weeks yet. Booking it in work though will be a boost in itself and something to look forward to. I have to say mind that moods are improving a little at home with cuddles/hugs and decent conversations reappearing. I’ve also started Tai Chi in the last few weeks. It is something which I so wanted to do over the past few years but opportunities have always seemed to clash with other things. We’re doing it in work and I have to admit after a lesson, with calming music, subdued lighting and fabulous views over the city, I am so chilled out and relaxed. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re thinking about doing Tai Chi yourself.
So with so much going on, what if anything is going so slowly? Well I haven’t yet heard anything from the hospital about my own tests and possible work up. I know it is only a few weeks, and that this is the NHS we’re talking about, but I would like to find out whether I would be a viable donor for my wife. These few weeks have felt like months paradoxically when compared to everything else going on. I’ll give it another week before chasing this up with the hospital.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Catching Up
OK so I was rubbish this time at keeping an advent calendar going. In my defence I had a lot on. At the end of each day I just didn’t have the energy to do anything else apart from fall asleep on the sofa. This was not a bad thing I might add.
Think I might take a break from the theatre for a short while though. It feels right to take some time with the family now while we can. We’ve been trying to build some support networks at home, reconnecting with those people around us who mean a lot. Appreciating friendship when it is there. Christmas I thought was going to be heavy, but I was proved wrong. For that I am thankful and for some new support from within the family. The endeavour for more networking needs to continue. I… We need it.
Last week I put myself forward to become a live donor for my wife when that time comes, (whenever that may be). Now I have to wait for tests etc to be arranged. All to see if this will be possible. I’m told around 80% of prospective donors are turned down simply because of their own unsuitability for surgery etc. This is alongside seeing if there are enough compatibility factors to make a decent transplant success. I have to admit to having read a lot of leaflets in a short while recently, so I’m trying to avoid using too much terminology here. So now I have to prepare myself for the what ifs? What if I’m not suitable, or compatible? What if the transplant is rejected if it was to go ahead? These are some of the questions that need to be asked along with a few more I’m sure. We've recently gone to a Transplant Information Programme meeting which will gave us the opportunity to meet other people who have done the same. We had already done the one on the different types of dialysis, and I was glad there were a few more people this time who are more our age who have experienced some of the same things as we have and are. While it is nice to discuss things with Mr Jones and Mrs Smith, shall we say, who are in their 70’s, you do feel more out of water than maybe you should.
As an aside if the transplant were to go ahead, my wife and I have joked that at last at least one piece of me will be all woman! If it transpires I have both a sparkly and a plain kidney I get to keep the sparkly one too! If anything will help to make a transplant a success this has to be up there surely?
Getting a work-life balance at the moment is looking slightly strained. Things are starting to look very tight money-wise with us becoming more reliant on my, what was the second, wage in the family. Even with cuts to our budget we may not have enough. I’m loathed to take a weekend job as that would in effect lessen my time at home when it is needed more. A temporary one perhaps, if needs must, as and when. I’ll take a look at some agency work and see what’s available perhaps. In work, things continue to work towards change. Still waiting to see what that entails and if that creates added workload & pressure. My colleague of 4 years has left leaving me with some new people to mould etc on my own. While I will miss her I’m also quite enjoying the challenge as it is a change to the usual mundane things that have been part of my job of late. Work however has been quite accommodating of what is going on at home which is good. I just need to make sure these newbies are supported while I’m out of the office and aren’t too strained by all this either.
Well that's it for now. I'll try and be a bit better at updating this blog this year.
Think I might take a break from the theatre for a short while though. It feels right to take some time with the family now while we can. We’ve been trying to build some support networks at home, reconnecting with those people around us who mean a lot. Appreciating friendship when it is there. Christmas I thought was going to be heavy, but I was proved wrong. For that I am thankful and for some new support from within the family. The endeavour for more networking needs to continue. I… We need it.
Last week I put myself forward to become a live donor for my wife when that time comes, (whenever that may be). Now I have to wait for tests etc to be arranged. All to see if this will be possible. I’m told around 80% of prospective donors are turned down simply because of their own unsuitability for surgery etc. This is alongside seeing if there are enough compatibility factors to make a decent transplant success. I have to admit to having read a lot of leaflets in a short while recently, so I’m trying to avoid using too much terminology here. So now I have to prepare myself for the what ifs? What if I’m not suitable, or compatible? What if the transplant is rejected if it was to go ahead? These are some of the questions that need to be asked along with a few more I’m sure. We've recently gone to a Transplant Information Programme meeting which will gave us the opportunity to meet other people who have done the same. We had already done the one on the different types of dialysis, and I was glad there were a few more people this time who are more our age who have experienced some of the same things as we have and are. While it is nice to discuss things with Mr Jones and Mrs Smith, shall we say, who are in their 70’s, you do feel more out of water than maybe you should.
As an aside if the transplant were to go ahead, my wife and I have joked that at last at least one piece of me will be all woman! If it transpires I have both a sparkly and a plain kidney I get to keep the sparkly one too! If anything will help to make a transplant a success this has to be up there surely?
Getting a work-life balance at the moment is looking slightly strained. Things are starting to look very tight money-wise with us becoming more reliant on my, what was the second, wage in the family. Even with cuts to our budget we may not have enough. I’m loathed to take a weekend job as that would in effect lessen my time at home when it is needed more. A temporary one perhaps, if needs must, as and when. I’ll take a look at some agency work and see what’s available perhaps. In work, things continue to work towards change. Still waiting to see what that entails and if that creates added workload & pressure. My colleague of 4 years has left leaving me with some new people to mould etc on my own. While I will miss her I’m also quite enjoying the challenge as it is a change to the usual mundane things that have been part of my job of late. Work however has been quite accommodating of what is going on at home which is good. I just need to make sure these newbies are supported while I’m out of the office and aren’t too strained by all this either.
Well that's it for now. I'll try and be a bit better at updating this blog this year.
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Advent Calnedar 7 & 8
Reasons to be Tearful #1
Saw a version of "Harry's Christmas" by Steven Berkoff yesterday. For anyone who has experienced depression in any form it will hit a nerve. Found myself wiping a tear away more than once. Maybe not recommended to go and see if you are currently experiencing the Dark Teatime of the Soul perhaps.
Reasons to be Tearful #2
More visits to the hospital with my wife today. Things still are uncertain as to timescales will have wait perhaps a few more months. Heard a new terminology today "Pre-emptive surgery" That brought images of a Stormin' Norman kind of consultant in surgery etc showing videos afterwards of a clinical operation etc etc. Next year will be an interesting one on this score as well I think. Will have to make some personal choices in this respect which are at the end of the day no-brainers. Hopefully things will be positive and compatible. There are few other options if things were to worsen apart from maintaining the status quo until something does come along. Have to think about my son as well and that he is supported through all this. He knows a little at the moment but possibly doesn't understand the full complications. Glad I sought some help personally before this particular ball started rolling.
Saw a version of "Harry's Christmas" by Steven Berkoff yesterday. For anyone who has experienced depression in any form it will hit a nerve. Found myself wiping a tear away more than once. Maybe not recommended to go and see if you are currently experiencing the Dark Teatime of the Soul perhaps.
Reasons to be Tearful #2
More visits to the hospital with my wife today. Things still are uncertain as to timescales will have wait perhaps a few more months. Heard a new terminology today "Pre-emptive surgery" That brought images of a Stormin' Norman kind of consultant in surgery etc showing videos afterwards of a clinical operation etc etc. Next year will be an interesting one on this score as well I think. Will have to make some personal choices in this respect which are at the end of the day no-brainers. Hopefully things will be positive and compatible. There are few other options if things were to worsen apart from maintaining the status quo until something does come along. Have to think about my son as well and that he is supported through all this. He knows a little at the moment but possibly doesn't understand the full complications. Glad I sought some help personally before this particular ball started rolling.
Monday, 6 December 2010
Advent Calendar Triple Bill (4-6)
Alright so I'm not particularly able to keep up with this calendar thing this year! Things are busy. So much so, that rare opportunities are being turned down as I cannot be in more than one place at any one time. Still I've got to try and salvage what I can. Create some positives from these so I can build on them in the future. I have a feeling next year is going to be an unusual one with some changes ahead. Doing more of what I would like to do hopefully. Some hard work and juggling required. Let's see.
Theatre wise it was great to see how the stage is coming together and how the lighting we're working on makes just the right atmosphere. Looking forward to seeing the play too this week. Then it's some more hard work working behind the scenes for the play the next week. Maybe not so interesting as it mostly involves sitting in the back listening for cues so I can press buttons. Probably quiet cold as well as its not somewhere you'd expect to find heating. An unusual and rare piece though. I might say more about it closer to the time.
The dreaded 18month- 2yearly change in work has been proposed. It is looking interesting however. I can only work with bosses etc to develop it. Hopefully there will be a job at the end of it as well as the opportunity to develop things. The next few months things look interesting as I have said and this is one of the areas where it will be. Things will be more certain in the Spring.
Theatre wise it was great to see how the stage is coming together and how the lighting we're working on makes just the right atmosphere. Looking forward to seeing the play too this week. Then it's some more hard work working behind the scenes for the play the next week. Maybe not so interesting as it mostly involves sitting in the back listening for cues so I can press buttons. Probably quiet cold as well as its not somewhere you'd expect to find heating. An unusual and rare piece though. I might say more about it closer to the time.
The dreaded 18month- 2yearly change in work has been proposed. It is looking interesting however. I can only work with bosses etc to develop it. Hopefully there will be a job at the end of it as well as the opportunity to develop things. The next few months things look interesting as I have said and this is one of the areas where it will be. Things will be more certain in the Spring.
Friday, 3 December 2010
Advent calendar 3
Back on course... Window three on day three.. Yay!
Managed to make it in to work the past few days. At the train station this morning things seemed a tad confusing. No train till 10.30! Other trains moved across to another platform! Station staff telling you to ignore the signs! Oh dear oh dear..! Train came in five minutes after I arrived, not packed and a pleasant journey. Work finished early due to ICT switching off everything early for planned work which they only chose to tell us about half an hour before. Who cares? It was an nice surprise to a slightly longer weekend ahead.
I am however getting miffed with not getting any luck with a few auditions recently. I could go on about how it seemed that the directors had all the parts allocated before the auditions. Jokingly placing bets on who would get them before and getting a lot right. One director even looked miffed that someone she didn't know had turned up to audition. Now I've had the last indignity. Not even getting a part in the New Writing week. Which was bigged up as an ideal opportunity for everyone. Lawd I'm sounding like a disgruntled drama queen. Truth is I'm probably rubbish. I've allowed a lot of what has gone on this past year knock my confidence and it shows when I audition. I'm no spring chicken and this theatre prefers younger actors. And to top it all my long hair et al would also probably make it difficult to cast me. I'm helping out behind the scenes more but not sure I'll keep it up here at least. No one else really wants to do it and those that have end up doing this month in and month out. Yay what fun! I do enjoy all of this but the constant rejection at the moment and the pointless politics does all make it rather feel like a waste of time. Maybe worthwhile seeing what other theatres are doing. Getting a bit tired of being surrounded by self centred youngsters. Bah humbug!
Managed to make it in to work the past few days. At the train station this morning things seemed a tad confusing. No train till 10.30! Other trains moved across to another platform! Station staff telling you to ignore the signs! Oh dear oh dear..! Train came in five minutes after I arrived, not packed and a pleasant journey. Work finished early due to ICT switching off everything early for planned work which they only chose to tell us about half an hour before. Who cares? It was an nice surprise to a slightly longer weekend ahead.
I am however getting miffed with not getting any luck with a few auditions recently. I could go on about how it seemed that the directors had all the parts allocated before the auditions. Jokingly placing bets on who would get them before and getting a lot right. One director even looked miffed that someone she didn't know had turned up to audition. Now I've had the last indignity. Not even getting a part in the New Writing week. Which was bigged up as an ideal opportunity for everyone. Lawd I'm sounding like a disgruntled drama queen. Truth is I'm probably rubbish. I've allowed a lot of what has gone on this past year knock my confidence and it shows when I audition. I'm no spring chicken and this theatre prefers younger actors. And to top it all my long hair et al would also probably make it difficult to cast me. I'm helping out behind the scenes more but not sure I'll keep it up here at least. No one else really wants to do it and those that have end up doing this month in and month out. Yay what fun! I do enjoy all of this but the constant rejection at the moment and the pointless politics does all make it rather feel like a waste of time. Maybe worthwhile seeing what other theatres are doing. Getting a bit tired of being surrounded by self centred youngsters. Bah humbug!
Advent Calendar 2
What was I going to say in this window? Really not so sure. A day of quietly standing up for myself, taking the brunt and chart a course on to calmer waters. The proposed changes to work have finally been made. On the whole it is looking positive for me and my team... I hope anyway. A bit of work and con flab all round lies ahead then if my post remains as it is then that will be that for 12-18 months till the next time. If not it wont be so ideal. But that will be another challenge if it comes along.
At home keeping on with doing something despite the difficulties, (and no I'm not talking about the femme side to me). Holding on to something for me. Need that for what may be ahead, what is already happening in part. I know I'm needed but I also need. Recharge of battery time. without that I'm not much good to anyone.
At home keeping on with doing something despite the difficulties, (and no I'm not talking about the femme side to me). Holding on to something for me. Need that for what may be ahead, what is already happening in part. I know I'm needed but I also need. Recharge of battery time. without that I'm not much good to anyone.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Advent Calendar 1
Has it been a year already? OK Lets see if I can do this once a day again... Not a good start mind being a day late already! Oops!
Yesterday whilst returning to work from getting some lunch I was strongly regretting taking the shortcut along the Thames facing the bitterly cold winds head on, made worse by it coming off the river itself. Then I noticed a group of bedraggled tourists partaking of the Ducktour experience. For those of you who don't know what that is it is a tour of London's landmarks etc which culminates with the vehicle you are in (an old WWII DUC amphibious vehicle) driving into the Thames for a view of London that way as well. So upon looking at their rather quiet faces I came upon a realisation. Sometimes when you think you are experiencing the worst there is always some poor soul who has better reason to think it than yourself.
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