Succumbing

I did and I have spent the entire evening en femme. It has been so long that my make up wasn't that brilliant, especially given the heat as well. Spent some time in the garden when it got darker and sat sipping wine and appreciating the cooler air. Now it all has to come off and maybe I'll get another chance tomorrow night.

Hair Care.
Well after my little forray into theatre land when I had to spray my hair gold, I found that my grey hair became stained as a result, giving a slight hint of blonde but more a hint of green if you looked at it in the right light. So I've been toying with dying my hair blonde. My hairdesser last week tried to put me off saying it would require bleaching etc. So I'm going to opt for a semi permanent option. This willl mean only my grey hair becoming blonde and the rest more golden brown. It should only last for a couple of weeks to a month and I fancy doing something different for a short while. I spoken to my wife who says I should just get it out of my system. I don't intend to keep it as I rather like my silver grey hair, even en femme, but it is something I have to do. I'll give it a go tomorrow.

Talking about hair a colleague commented my hair was getting as long as hers and looking the same. I discussed wanting to dye my hair and it was a nice talk about hiding the grey etc. Not quite girl to girl but the best I can hope for.

Glimmers

Two things stood out for me today.

First was a post on Angels which led me to read an interview with Richard O'Brien in the Times. It provided some hope to me to see someone so well known who has experienced what many of us do, have, or are at the moment. I truly can identify with much of what he said being somewhere on the TG scale and how trying to find a balance, rather than seeing this all as something seedy and weird was what helped him. I have to admit that I have been thinking that way for over five to six years. Sometime progressing my balance within the world around me is what makes things difficult. Nice to know I'm not alone.

The second was the last song on my MP3 player playing randomly before switching off and starting work. The song was "Hold On" by Wilson Phillps. Closed my eyes at my desk and let the words fill my mind and being, miming the words full of expression and feeling. Then opening my eyes to find my colleague sitting opposite and us both laughing at my embarrassment.

Alone again tonight and still not glimpsed inside the wardrobe. Decided to shave my legs instead. A laborious task given I am quite hirsute usually and choose not to do this often given the time it takes and save it for special occasions instead. Added to this my wife prefers her cuddly hairy man. So I keep the status quo happily. I just need to now for some reason. I'll let it grow back, but will have to be sure I keep them out of sight of my son. He's young and I do enough as a grumpy Dad etc without this additional thing to mess him up.

Alright in the box?

There are times when the feminine side to me just wont fit into the balance of life. It hints and gnaws away, yearning to be let out of the box. It ignores everything else that goes on around the rest of my life, interfering and hindering with my work, not letting me have much rest mentally. The problem, in part is not having had much chance, if at all in the past few months, to express myself in my entirety. But having said that I'm at home on my own now and I'm not raiding my wardrobe. Why? What else is going on?

I have to admit my perceived recent close calls with a work colleague and conversations with another have made me wonder... What if I came out? If only to a select few? What if I did and managed in some small way to be the complete me for a minute part of my life? I was told the other day that I was a "Gem". Why? I asked. Why do you have to say that? The reply was that I was so accepting and non judgemental. Again I asked why should that have to be? Thinking about it now perhaps I was looking for a glimmer of recognition that perhaps I have an inkling of what it is to hide from the public, afraid of breaking a social taboo, because I am TG. Not as accepting as an ordinary person might, more understanding and without saying so I am living a sham even with these colleagues.

That isn't all though is it? If you look back at my past posts you can see that I am questioning if I could put my work life and this TG side of me together. At present I don't see there being much opportunity. There seems to be so little out there and I'm at a loss at the moment as to where else to look.

Work has had its ups and downs. Every 12-24 months there is some kind of review, proof required that my job and team are worth saving. The last was this April and already I have seen hints what the next review will be about in a year or more's time.

With everything put together I'm finding it is affecting my work. I can't concentrate and I'm growing restless. In the past I would leave the TG stuff at home. Now I can't. The need to find something else work wise and to meet my current angst is getting in the way. I'm in the Doldrums yet again. This seems to be happening more. I recall feeling similarly a year ago, but it seemed less then. The results were that I drew myself into a mental ball and locked myself away from work for a few days, staying at home and nursing my bruised emotions. I realise and recognise I don't want to be a woman full-time but there are sides to me that need to come out and come together with the rest of what the outside world sees. I've taken some big steps in the past two years, but they are not enough. I want, no, need to get a balance that allows this and give something back at the same time. I've done enough helping other people and their causes. Surely I can do more when I am doing something in an area that I can identify and empathise with?

I hope I can find some resolution, however long it takes.

Enough rambling. I had to get this out of my system. It may not mean much, but getting it down at least helps in the process of sorting things out and building on this. Sorry if this has been a little boring.

Some Things Are Strangely Relative

Went to a family do recently and got some very strange reactions. Not what I would usually expect to get, with the longish hair and amber ear studs, which happens occasionally. This was different and I didn't know how to react.

A little background I think might help to explain. My Grandfather died 34 years ago and for whatever reasons I have never met his side of the family since I was extremely young and cannot recall doing so. I was invited to attend a do by my great aunt, (his sister), via my mother. Now I know I have a likeness to my grandfather, both in looks and ways but I never knew how much until the night of the do. Through out the night I would be in conversation with people and would occasionally be confronted by "oooh!", a slightly puzzled look and a step back. I had no way to report back except to ask "what?" and feel extremely uncomfortable. I transpires I am much much more like my grandfather than I realised, so much so that I think in some freak genetic way he was haunting the proceedings through me. Quelle horreur?! His sisters and in laws seemed a little taken aback. Anyhow I'm sure we will get used to it, all round, in time.

Curiouser & Curiouser

I sit here now almost 24 hours after attending the leaving do for the colleague I've mentioned previously. Apart from tending an ever so slightly sore head, I'm not sure if I am any the wiser and probably sure that this was not the time I thought it was. Drink has a lot to answer for. I'm also very aware that people have their own agendas and it would be extremely presumptuous of me to assume that my coming out to them would have been appropriate at this time.

I did find myself in a position I haven't been in for at least 18 years and that in itself was a little uncomfortable, (i.e. how much I let on and aware that I don't fit in or have the right to understand every bit of a conversation when they are outside my own experiences, however isolating it can be). Surely I would have learnt a better way of dealing with situations like this at my age? However I also found myself today, in between the pain betwixt my ears, in a state of calm that I haven't been in for some time. I was/is the me I thought I'd lost several years ago to age, illness, time whatever you care to call it.

So what happened? I started the day in a slight state of anxiousness. After all this may have been the day I was to fill in the missing details about me which they hinted at when I last spoke to them. I was not kidding myself mind. I did remind myself to go with the flow, gauge what was going on around me and react accordingly. So I spent the day in a good mood, quick off the mark with witty repartee etc.

At the end of work we all headed off to the pub, which was a boat on the Thames near the centre of town, (an interesting combination if you are not used to the natural movements of such a vessel and then add alcohol. I'm happy to say my genes seemed to have inherited the sea legs of my fathers and mothers before me). There were many many people there from our office and further afield, this is as I have said, a remarkable person who many people like.

As the evening drew on people said their goodbyes and there was only a handful left, as is the way and the more meaningful (?) drink fuelled conversations kicked in. Well there were the usual "Ohhhhh... Riiiight!" moments where things click into place and you find out more about people. And these revelations, if you can call them revelations, (many people knew), took center stage. I still found myself identifying with a lot of things some people were saying, from my (covert?) TG perspective. But that is where I decided to leave it. I'm not sure how my fellow drinking buddies viewed me that night. Possibly a little confused or being like a fish out of water. But I was drunk, tired and concentrating hard on what they were saying. They were rightly being open about their own sexuality and I didn't want to spoil it for them by going on about me instead.

I'll get my chance, one day possibly, if it is right to do so. For now I am happy people have been comfortable enough to be more open in my company. Strange that. It happens a bit. Am I giving off similar "I'm repressed" vibes they are unconsciously picking up on. Or are they consciously picking up on them and possibly trying to bolster my confidence so I do eventually "come out" to them? Too complicated and nothing like that at all, is the most probable answer. New work friends anyway. Can't complain about that.

Saying Something

Given what I've said recently I thought I would follow something up with a charity which I believe was inadvertently ignoring the 'T' in its website. I should be quick to point out this wasn't the complete picture as they were very much aware of 'T' later in their particular web page. Basically they are a charity that supports people who live with mental illness. This web page had the heading "Gay and Lesbian Mental Health". After this they rightly point out that being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or non transgender is not a mental illness. But they do recognise that the effects of social stigma etc can have an effect on an individuals mental health, as it would on anyone.

So I decided to send an email, just to request if they would consider amending their heading on the web page to be inclusive of B & T and suggesting to do so would avoid additional angst or confusion to people worried about their experiences and who may not necessarily identify as either Gay or Lesbian.

The reply within a few hours was along the lines of "Dear Grace, Thank you very much for your feedback which is very much appreciated. We have amended our web page please take a look at this link..."

Hardly a crusade or lengthy campaign. But it shows how sometimes bringing something to someones attention is all that is needed. Doubt I'll be going out now looking for lots more things to change. But I feel a bit more confident should a similar need arise again.

Synchronicity

Is that a word or just something I heard on the telly in an advert?

I think it sums up how my thought processes have been running over the past few days on a number of different aspects of my life. A balance I suppose of two sides/poles running in sync alongside each other in a binary dance/journey.

Obviously there is the gender side(s) to me and I've seen others refer to this recently, which seem to hit a chord. Not content with flipping and presenting as one to the other, but trying to find something in the middle which, (possibly), allows the widest expression of who we are in one neat little bundle, (who am I kidding when was any of this neat and easy to compartmentalise?). Ask a TG person why they have a complete different persona and you will get many varied answers. Amongst them though I've seen answers that I can identify with. These state that to explain who we are and what we experience is difficult. It is easier with the social constructs available to portray ourselves as fully female. Though as I said we are more comfortable in being able to express the widest possible innermost parts to ourselves as a whole rather than two separate poles. I'm not saying that natal women are able to do this either, as they themselves have social constructs placed upon them too, but do they seem more open to this way of thinking, or am I just imagining it? For me I would like to have the opportunity to be who I am and express the complete me without the fear of being rejected socially. Without the conscious repression of thoughts, comments and behaviour deemed to be inappropriate for a man. Why can't I comment on clothes and make up with female colleagues? Possibly a lot of this is just my own problem which I have to sort out? I have happily crossed into this realm in the past albeit slightly and felt comfortable doing so. I do of course with my wife who knows all about this side to me, (yay for some sanity!). Curiously as an aside female colleagues have picked up on the fact that my email persona is a lot more relaxed and open than when they see me in person.

I am of course also trying to find some balance of who I am with what I would like to do work wise. A tall order even without the current climate. Fruitless searches of the web come up with very little that can tie up my experience working in the NFP sector for other causes. I may have to consider just being me a lot more in the work that I do now amongst the muggles and progressing the social change that small way. Another, given the time constraints may be to consider becoming a virtual volunteer somewhere, though I've yet to find something I can fully identify with. Sometimes I find so disheartening organisations who claim to be working on behalf of LGBT and on further investigation the T is not really covered and you have to fall within the LGB bit in order to work for them. That will change I know in time, someone's just got to prove to them it is worthwhile doing so. Catch 22 meets chicken and egg et al.

Now there is as well, now that junior is slightly older, the opportunity to progress other parts to me, which have been on hold for a while as I juggled work and parenthood etc. However it is the balance again of progressing myself individually against that of my son and family. I so want to get back into some arty stuff as well as progress my writing skills which tend to waffle a lot.

Can someone arrange to add a few more hours onto each day please?

Dear, dear, dear, dear Johnnie

Luvvieville

Just spent the last four days treading the boards, playing a small part in a musical. It wasn't something I had set out to do, but the opportunity to take part came along via the drama group junior attends. Had to do proper auditions, and attend a few months rehearsals, (I owe some people in work for allowing me to get to them). I have to admit it was fun and having not done something like this since I was at school, I am intrigued now that I want to get more involved. I don't mean on stage, (that is fun though and I wouldn't turn down the opportunity if it arose), but behind the scenes as well. So much goes on and not many people want to get involve with this side of things voluntarily, (maybe not so glamorous?), but again I enjoyed running up ladders etc and preparing the stage. I've helped make props before using my limited artistic talents and they have been made use of here as well. For me it made the experience complete and I think without it you cannot fully appreciate all the work that goes into a production.

Grace's Regrets

Treading the boards meant I had to turn down the opportunity to attend two events with people who know me as Grace. Alright I would be in male mode most probably, but being there is an outing in itself, however brief.

Not had a lot of time to express the Grace side to me either recently. Not too grumpy yet, Well not more than usual any how. But I feel the need growing on me. As an aside I've opted to paint my toenails gold for a while.



Art Appreciation

I've bought myself a painting yesterday. Well it isn't mine just yet, simply reserved. It's nothing too big, probably about A5 in size. I've seen this artist's work around before and have been drawn to them and I've contemplated buying before, (though a little out of my price range). This though just yelled out to be bought and I could afford it. It is a little different from what I've seen before, slightly abstract, but it so identifies with me and the sides to who I am. If all goes well it will soon be on my wall at home, (I do hope so anyway). Don't get me wrong I'm not one to go out and buy art on a regular basis, (I can't remember the last time I did), but that painting had "Grace" written all over it, (well not literally obviously).



School's Out For Summer

This year I'm working full time as opposed to part time. Alongside the fact that our Canada trip took a large chunk of Holiday Entitlement and money, (well worth it mind), I don't think I myself will be able to spend a lot of time with Junior over the next six weeks. My wife will be able to get the chance to spend some additional time with my son which she may not have been able to in past years. A change and I'm not sure what to think about it. I hope that in future I can address the balance again before he is all grown up.



The Lurgy... Dah dah daaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Well it's hardly front page news and in the current climate probably per se but it is only a matter of time before the dreaded swine flu hits a lot of us. I'm meeting a lot of people now who know someone who has, or thinks they may have had it. In work we have a policy in place and a lot of forms and procedures etc etc. We found out a few weeks ago, it is in our building, (a large building mind with lots of organisations over several floors), though not yet on our floor. My colleague has been experiencing a dry cough for about a week. Nothing else mind you and they are troopers to their own detriment often needing someone to send them home so they can concentrate on looking after themselves. Last Wednesday was one of those days. The cough was now accompanied by muscle aches and looking feverish. It was a tough job to convince them to go home and that their work would be covered. Since then the cogs have started turning, we don't know for definite and it may not be, but I've had to put my official management hat on and say that they can't come back until they are showing no symptoms, or until their GP/NHS direct says so. I feel like I'm coming across as a little over the top, but I want to make sure they are looking after themselves. I also have a director keeping an eye on the situation and assisting my handling of it too. It makes me think though with swine flu being reported as mild in the majority of cases, how many people are ignoring it, consciously or subconsciously and the risks this is placing on people who have underlying health problems. I speak from personally worrying with family members in this position should one of us bring this home and also from previous work where I had to consider coming into work with any type of flu/virus and how it could have an adverse effect on people I worked alongside in the care sector.

That's it for now.

Take care and God Bless

How Do You Do and Shake Hands

And the Winner is...

We held the interviews today and came away with a few good candidates. Tomorrow will show if we did enough to impress them, (yes the interview is a two way process), and if one will want to work for us and put up with my silly puns and often facile humour, (oh how I try not to act like David Brent, but often catch myself sounding so like him!).

Every Now and Then...

Someone enters your life who you think would be a great friend, (I should add platonic friend in case my wife reads this and worries unnecessarily). These moments are so, so few in a lifetime and you need to act otherwise you might regret not doing so. Such a moment has happened to me this week. Our office held a team building day away from the office which finished with drinks in the pub, as these things often do. Wine was flowing freely and we were all chatting about different things. One colleague was amazing the rest of us with her knowledge of astrology and her uncanny ability to relate this to who we are. For me it was said I portray myself in two ways. My public side and then my other side which I would only show at home to my partner and only because that trust is there to do so. This side will be nothing like what people elsewhere see. There is more but this is the main gist of what was said. I'm sat there listening, agreeing and also thinking whether this person knows about the TG side to me. Either by reading my posts and threads online, or picking up on something in my demeanor? This was compounded by her sometimes referring to me in a feminine way, "Girl" for example. I calmly didn't react and she apologised though she didn't really need to because it so connected with me.

Later on we got talking again and she shared some of her life and how she hoped it was getting better. I won't go into details out of respect for her privacy, but I do so hope it is. She is such a lovely person, sometimes timid, often a good laugh and one of those people who everyone just can't help liking. She shared a lot and that took a lot of trust, so much so that I feel the need to reciprocate that and maybe share this side to me, (I feel that it would be kept in trust). But was it just the drink buddy kind of thing? That is what I have to decide, but I have to soon as the person is leaving the office to go on to pastures new.

Like I said the possibilities of friendship like this come along very, very rarely in a lifetime. I've been in similar positions and regretted not being open enough once or twice before. What I will say is if that person is reading this blog let me know in work before you leave. If not let's see what happens. Good friends are hard to find.

Till next time Take Care and Have Fun!

Situation Vacant

I've spent the day today shortlisting applications for a job in my team. I wont say where for obvious reasons. But I have to ask how many people realise they are throwing so much away by not spending a little time tailoring their application form to the job being advertised?

I understand there are situations where you have to apply in order to maintain a certain status quo. Believe it or not, we're not blind to that. There are others however, where you think, "ooh this would be interesting I want to find out more". And all you see is a standard reply, probably entered into many other applications too, that doesn't cover everything/anything we are looking for. I understand the need to do so. Been there myself, unemployed for a long time and just filling out forms. But it isn't doing you any favours. Where I work takes a lot of interest and time in sorting out applications and shortlisting. We have to spend an equal amount of time and consideration on each applicant. We can't just throw your application to one side because you haven't deaned to spend a lot of time preparing it. I work in an different kind of job and some of the applications were from sectors who have felt the pinch recently. Believe it or not there were transferable skills. But in many cases there was a bog standard supporting information bit. Our hands were tied.

All I'm saying is in some (not all) cases there are organisations willing to consider you. Willing to put in the extra time to consider your experience and what makes you fit in with what they do. Don't write off putting in applications, or try and do a one size fits all application. Do a little background stuff. Know who you are applying to and let the people you are applying to know that you know. Rant over. It's a shame we had to overlook people.

Two months pass so quickly

Has it really been two months? Sorry it has been so long. This means a lot to catch up on. Hopefully not too much to read and if there is, nothing too dull. Let's see.

The thing on my thumb was removed at the initial consultation. A little unconventional but the doctor reckoned she could do it there and then to avoid additional discomfort etc. I wont go into details except to say the local anaesthetic didn't last the course and the stitches didn't half hurt when they were being put in. I'm afraid I wimped out, felt faint and needed to lie down for a bit afterwards. Nothing compared to what other people have to go through. I hang my head in shame! The growth went off to pathology, I haven't heard anything, and the doctor felt fairly certain it wasn't cancerous. My thumb is back to normal now, though there was a large dent for a while and everything felt weired to the touch.

Well I've finally been to another continent! North America! Canada to be precise to attend a family wedding. What fun! We could only stay there for a week and it was in a quiet(ish) town in the Prairies but it has certainly wetted our apetites to return in the future and actually see some of the country proper. The family out there were brilliant and I've found out they have proper beer there. Bliss sitting on the back porch, by the pool , enjoying the sunshine, good company and a good tasting ale in your hand. Marvellous! The Stag do and the wedding were fun as well. The hotel staff commented it was one of the best receptions they had seen. They had another downstairs at the same time "Hells Angel" style which probably wasn't, (security was involved), but I bet it was some fun too! I realised that this had been my first break since Christmas and oh how I needed it!

Slightly aside the build up to my holiday in work did the obligatory emailing across the office and usual pythonesque jokes about lumberjacks etc, (as you do). But I noticed some of my colleagues seemed a little unsure about how far to take the "Putting on women's clothing" joke, which makes me wonder do people know or suspect? Do I really worry about that? No. As much as I would prefer it not to be an open matter for the sake of my family and son at his young age, I do feel if people know they should say, albeit discreetly. Heck if they do know, it's still pretty quiet, I'm not getting any hassle and I'm the one out of the equation. It would make me feel a little easier. And I'm not going to change how I go to work either. That's not me or my agenda.

So what is my agenda? That's a good question. There are times I feel I want to do something, put something back into the TG world, on behalf of little old me. I've got a lot of experience working for organisations who do it for other causes. Met people who have started up national organisations for causes they feel passionate about and did something about them, starting small and not taking no for an answer. But what do I know of the TG world apart from my own experience and is there a place for someone who doesn't identify as TS. Is there a need for someone quite happy to carry on being me, as I am in this world. Do people like me want or need someone to be doing something in their name? Just what would that support entail? So then I think perhaps it is best to just carry on doing what I'm doing. Knowing that I am doing it as me, as I become increasingly comfortable about myself. Should being TG mean that it occupies everything that I do? Probably not. It doesn't mean I am forgetting where I have come from. It has been integrated into my culture, difficult as that can be to explain. TG culture, community and society seems to be complex, often in a state of flux and often prone to implode on itself. But I think I have a right to claim a culture integrated with my life that other people might identify with too. Still living my everyday life but being more open where I can safely, about who I am and not letting it hold me back psychologically.

Heavens did all that just come out of my own thinking! Still confused about what to do mind. Let's see what comes my way.

Till Next Time...

Having a moment

There are times, I'm sure when we all have a run of things that happen in the short space of time, which, shall we say, we need a moment or two to step away from all that is going on around you, take a deep breath and gather our thoughts. All very inconsequential when looked at individually. However, the randomness of chance means that occasionally a deluge hits us and we struggle to keep our head above water as wave after wave rolls towards us. Such a day for me was last Friday. Probably very inconsequential when you look at what other people have to contend with. But I needed some brief time away to gather my thoughts, take stock and move on positively. Allow me a moment to self indulge my darker side and offload a little. I won't go on too much. Honest! A lot of the stuff I won't even mention as it is just too dull.

The Thing and I
To update you on the thing, or growth on my thumb, (by the way I'm not far off giving it a name like Dave or something similar!). A week before Easter I went back to my G.P. The growth was getting bigger, weeping even more and seemed to be getting infected. I was prescribed antibiotics and some antiseptic wash for it, which has helped put things back to normal. Well as normal as a growth on your thumb could be. It gave me a chance though to ask the questions I wanted to ask first time round but didn't get the chance. Questions like what did they think it could be? The answer I got was a Granuloma, or kind of benign tumor. Of course they cannot be absolutely certain until the little so and so is taken off and they have run tests on it. Fine. This is pretty much what I thought it might be, following my trawl of the Internet recently. If it doesn't get any worse it can wait for my initial appointment at the hospital. If it does get worse then my GP will try and push for a quicker referral. I'm of the frame of mind that is better to not worry too much when I don't know the full details yet. I'm restricted by waiting for my appointment and staying positive is going to be more beneficial. Besides other people tell me they have had similar things removed and it is no big-ee.

Last Friday we got a call from the hospital. I had been referred to the wrong department. Instead I need to go to the "Hand Clinic" and will have to wait another two weeks. The simplistic term for the clinic had me a little concerned. Shouldn't there be some kind of generic medispeak title? As I type I'm seeing a funny side to this. Oh the possibilities to put in some double-intendres! " Madam! Is this the Hand Clinic? Well I'm in some discomfort with this unexpected growth and I'm looking for some relief!" But I won't go there ;-) Needless to say I had a lot to ask to make sure this time I was going to the right place this time. I was assured it was and that with the new electronic referrals from GPs it isn't unusual for mistakes like this to take place.

Needless to say I was a little perplexed. Both annoyed, confused, scared and upset. I was in work at the time and needed some time to take stock. We are right next to the Thames near to the centre of Town, so I went for a short walk and sat down on a bench, overlooking prominent landmarks and watching the boats go past. I didn't know whether to get angry or to cry. As I said before, at the back of my mind is the fact my father died three years older than I am now from cancer. Will this delay be detrimental? In the end I rang my wife and explained the situation then sat quietly for a while. Not so much a "puling myself together" kind of thing as that I think is more denial and can be negative. More putting things into context. At the moment it doesn't look like it is something to worry too much about. Yes I'm being messed about, but what will getting angry achieve? So I wait. This will be an initial consultation too so there will be more time before it is removed. I am so much hoping it doesn't clash with my brother's wedding abroad, who I haven't seen in over three years. Time will see. I went back to work a little clearer headed and able to cope with the demands and people I talk to. Sometimes some time out is what is needed. I don't do it often but recognise the times that I need to.

That's it. I've waffled and off loaded. The other stuff that added to this moment are the usual day to day stuff just that they arrived one after the other. Even more boring than this stuff I've typed here now. So I wont go into them.

Take it easy and have fun whatever you are doing!

Flower Power

Just thought I would share this with you. A moment that probably might seem inconsequential at first but something for me which was one that touched me so deeply and will be something I'll probably never forget.

The moment in question...? My wife bought me a single white rose.

"Not red?" I hear you ask. No. Not red. I don't particularly have an affinity with red roses which my wife understands. Life is like a rose. There are so many colours and variations to be found. Look around and you will see. Red is not the only colour.

Back to why this meant so much. It wasn't a big occasion. There wasn't anything behind it, (say to soften me up perhaps so I will agree to look after Junior while my wife has a girls' night out). It was bought on impulse, (which in my opinion makes it even more special) and simply to say she loves me. That you might think is more than enough to mean so much. But there was more that made it so, so special.

When my wife gave me the rose in the quiet and unassuming way that she did, my heart skipped a beat. And with that skip I all at once experienced so much. So much so, that the brief internal silence echoed in the way that an all encompassing silence can and resonates with me still and will probably never leave me. This moment touched me on so many levels. It connected with me as a whole person. Something that is very rare for me as someone experiencing life somewhere on the transgendered scale. Yes there was so much that meant a lot to me as Grace, the feminine appreciation that my wife had bought me a beautiful flower and all that goes with it internally. But there was also the connection to me as a husband, a partner. The fact that she felt comfortable to give me the rose, knowing I wouldn't be squirming in macho discomfort when she did. The fact that I didn't feel uncomfortable, but instead very, very touched.

At that moment I felt whole. I recognised the complete me, however briefly it was and however deeply I usually keep it psychologically and socially buried. I saw who I am completely. I just don't show it or experience it often. Just very rarely, at times like this I am me, neither feminine or masculine, but both experienced alongside one another. Complete.

Soppy? Romantic? Plain mixed up and in need of some therapy? Perhaps. It is so difficult to explain this from the point of view of someone like myself living life in a transgendered way. It is hard enough having to experience it first hand. So explaining what it is like to live within blurred gender boundaries to someone else, can come across as confusing.

It meant a lot. I think you can gather that and maybe some of you may identify with this. A special moment that will be with me for time to come. I need to reciprocate and buy my wife some flowers too. To show her just how special she is.

Time to Think

It's been a while. One or two things have happened which I shall tell you about. As you can see there is a new look me too. Slightly more mature than my previous look (see right). But it feels right. Its more the real me looking back and I'm more comfortable with it.

It is of course a work in progress. I'm growing my hair longer getting it thinned out and trimmed every six weeks. It is a marvellous feeling walking along and feeling my hair bounce in the breeze!

So what has been going on? Well sit down comfortably and I shall enlighten you.

Work

Work has had its ups and downs. Like many other organisations there has been a need to streamline staff numbers. A lot to go through, none of us could assume our post was safe. In the end I slotted in, probably because no-one lese really wanted the job! But I'm now having to go full-time instead of part-time. This is partly opportune as it allows Mrs Grace to set out and start up her own business, if she can do it now, it will succeed hopefully. Things will be very tight for a while. I haven't tried to be the main wage earner for so long, since my son was born nearly ten years ago. I won't be earning nearly as much, but fingers crosssed we'll get by.

Getting Out There

Well I've done three things openly as me. Ok it has been in male attire but I feel it is such an achievment. I met up with some girls in Central London for Christmas Lunch in December. This was my first time out with people who knew about who I am, (apart from Mrs Grace of course). That was an eye opener for me personally. I'm not sure what I was expecting, would this side of me be more gregarious and life and soul of any social soiree? Actually no. I was me. Extremely cautious and withdrawn. Just as I am in any first situation. Gawd I could feel it making others uncomfortable. But I know, give it time, as I feel more comfortable with people, I will become more comfortable and chatty. Since then I've attended an LGBT history event and LGBT job fair. These have been little steps but I am becoming more comfortable with who I am. I don't feel an overwhelming need to go out en femme, that is perfectly OK to be at home, though I'm sure an opportunity will come along en plein air. Still if someone has a problem with who I am, that is, at the end of the day, their problem, not mine. One thing I heard at the LGBT History event, that I will carry with me. It was a reply by a gay man to the question what have Lesbian and Gay people have in common with Transgendered people? Simply the need to come out and be who we should be. That at the very least engenders emapthy.

Gullability

I've come to learn that social web forums can be wary places to be. Posts in their essence can be misread or misinterpreted. In my case I have fallen foul of what I am told is a troll. A half flung comment read by me at the wrong time and I took it personally. It was also at a time that I was losing heart with the forum. I stepped back. Took some time away. The forum was so much at the time. It was my first real step into the real world. But I was losing something. I needed more. Other things in my life were taking presidence. I wasn't away long mind, though perhaps not as proliferate as I was in the past.

Sobering thoughts

Just after Christmas I got a small pinprick on my left thumb. Not much to worry about, you might think, and neither did I. But it never healed and kept bleeding. Over the space of two months it grew into what I though was a wart. A little strange as it is outside the skin, about the size of a pea, but attached to my thumb by a the small hole with which it began and still weeping. I went to see the practice nurse at my GP surgery to see if I could find a way of treating it. She instantly got the GP in. They didn't say much. I think I overheard "Melanoma" mentioned and I was told I would be given details on how to arrange a referral within two days. I tried to get more information at the time but they weren't very forthcoming, (how I hate that approach). So from there I had to go on the web and choose from three local hospitals and pick an appointment time. The earliest is 23rd April. I must add this isn't just down to the hospitals, but also to committments at home and in work. But as time goes on the lumpy thing is getting bigger, harder to cover with a plaster and needs to be redressed more often. My reason for concern is I am 3 years younger than my father who died at the age of 44 from cancer. His though was different and more self induced. I made the mistake of looking for things on the web yesterday. Probably not wise, but even the worse case scenarios suggest that it would be extremly rare for it to spread. It just needs to be removed an maybe treated locally. Let's see. Maybe I'm wrong all together. I'll be a whole lot happier when it has been cut off! It's affecting how I type, spellcheck is doing overtime! Don't want to be morose either, but it certainly sobers the mind.

That's it for now. Maybe I will add more, more often now.

Take Care & God Bless

Grace