Time to Think

It's been a while. One or two things have happened which I shall tell you about. As you can see there is a new look me too. Slightly more mature than my previous look (see right). But it feels right. Its more the real me looking back and I'm more comfortable with it.

It is of course a work in progress. I'm growing my hair longer getting it thinned out and trimmed every six weeks. It is a marvellous feeling walking along and feeling my hair bounce in the breeze!

So what has been going on? Well sit down comfortably and I shall enlighten you.

Work

Work has had its ups and downs. Like many other organisations there has been a need to streamline staff numbers. A lot to go through, none of us could assume our post was safe. In the end I slotted in, probably because no-one lese really wanted the job! But I'm now having to go full-time instead of part-time. This is partly opportune as it allows Mrs Grace to set out and start up her own business, if she can do it now, it will succeed hopefully. Things will be very tight for a while. I haven't tried to be the main wage earner for so long, since my son was born nearly ten years ago. I won't be earning nearly as much, but fingers crosssed we'll get by.

Getting Out There

Well I've done three things openly as me. Ok it has been in male attire but I feel it is such an achievment. I met up with some girls in Central London for Christmas Lunch in December. This was my first time out with people who knew about who I am, (apart from Mrs Grace of course). That was an eye opener for me personally. I'm not sure what I was expecting, would this side of me be more gregarious and life and soul of any social soiree? Actually no. I was me. Extremely cautious and withdrawn. Just as I am in any first situation. Gawd I could feel it making others uncomfortable. But I know, give it time, as I feel more comfortable with people, I will become more comfortable and chatty. Since then I've attended an LGBT history event and LGBT job fair. These have been little steps but I am becoming more comfortable with who I am. I don't feel an overwhelming need to go out en femme, that is perfectly OK to be at home, though I'm sure an opportunity will come along en plein air. Still if someone has a problem with who I am, that is, at the end of the day, their problem, not mine. One thing I heard at the LGBT History event, that I will carry with me. It was a reply by a gay man to the question what have Lesbian and Gay people have in common with Transgendered people? Simply the need to come out and be who we should be. That at the very least engenders emapthy.

Gullability

I've come to learn that social web forums can be wary places to be. Posts in their essence can be misread or misinterpreted. In my case I have fallen foul of what I am told is a troll. A half flung comment read by me at the wrong time and I took it personally. It was also at a time that I was losing heart with the forum. I stepped back. Took some time away. The forum was so much at the time. It was my first real step into the real world. But I was losing something. I needed more. Other things in my life were taking presidence. I wasn't away long mind, though perhaps not as proliferate as I was in the past.

Sobering thoughts

Just after Christmas I got a small pinprick on my left thumb. Not much to worry about, you might think, and neither did I. But it never healed and kept bleeding. Over the space of two months it grew into what I though was a wart. A little strange as it is outside the skin, about the size of a pea, but attached to my thumb by a the small hole with which it began and still weeping. I went to see the practice nurse at my GP surgery to see if I could find a way of treating it. She instantly got the GP in. They didn't say much. I think I overheard "Melanoma" mentioned and I was told I would be given details on how to arrange a referral within two days. I tried to get more information at the time but they weren't very forthcoming, (how I hate that approach). So from there I had to go on the web and choose from three local hospitals and pick an appointment time. The earliest is 23rd April. I must add this isn't just down to the hospitals, but also to committments at home and in work. But as time goes on the lumpy thing is getting bigger, harder to cover with a plaster and needs to be redressed more often. My reason for concern is I am 3 years younger than my father who died at the age of 44 from cancer. His though was different and more self induced. I made the mistake of looking for things on the web yesterday. Probably not wise, but even the worse case scenarios suggest that it would be extremly rare for it to spread. It just needs to be removed an maybe treated locally. Let's see. Maybe I'm wrong all together. I'll be a whole lot happier when it has been cut off! It's affecting how I type, spellcheck is doing overtime! Don't want to be morose either, but it certainly sobers the mind.

That's it for now. Maybe I will add more, more often now.

Take Care & God Bless

Grace