Alright in the box?

There are times when the feminine side to me just wont fit into the balance of life. It hints and gnaws away, yearning to be let out of the box. It ignores everything else that goes on around the rest of my life, interfering and hindering with my work, not letting me have much rest mentally. The problem, in part is not having had much chance, if at all in the past few months, to express myself in my entirety. But having said that I'm at home on my own now and I'm not raiding my wardrobe. Why? What else is going on?

I have to admit my perceived recent close calls with a work colleague and conversations with another have made me wonder... What if I came out? If only to a select few? What if I did and managed in some small way to be the complete me for a minute part of my life? I was told the other day that I was a "Gem". Why? I asked. Why do you have to say that? The reply was that I was so accepting and non judgemental. Again I asked why should that have to be? Thinking about it now perhaps I was looking for a glimmer of recognition that perhaps I have an inkling of what it is to hide from the public, afraid of breaking a social taboo, because I am TG. Not as accepting as an ordinary person might, more understanding and without saying so I am living a sham even with these colleagues.

That isn't all though is it? If you look back at my past posts you can see that I am questioning if I could put my work life and this TG side of me together. At present I don't see there being much opportunity. There seems to be so little out there and I'm at a loss at the moment as to where else to look.

Work has had its ups and downs. Every 12-24 months there is some kind of review, proof required that my job and team are worth saving. The last was this April and already I have seen hints what the next review will be about in a year or more's time.

With everything put together I'm finding it is affecting my work. I can't concentrate and I'm growing restless. In the past I would leave the TG stuff at home. Now I can't. The need to find something else work wise and to meet my current angst is getting in the way. I'm in the Doldrums yet again. This seems to be happening more. I recall feeling similarly a year ago, but it seemed less then. The results were that I drew myself into a mental ball and locked myself away from work for a few days, staying at home and nursing my bruised emotions. I realise and recognise I don't want to be a woman full-time but there are sides to me that need to come out and come together with the rest of what the outside world sees. I've taken some big steps in the past two years, but they are not enough. I want, no, need to get a balance that allows this and give something back at the same time. I've done enough helping other people and their causes. Surely I can do more when I am doing something in an area that I can identify and empathise with?

I hope I can find some resolution, however long it takes.

Enough rambling. I had to get this out of my system. It may not mean much, but getting it down at least helps in the process of sorting things out and building on this. Sorry if this has been a little boring.