Curiouser & Curiouser

I sit here now almost 24 hours after attending the leaving do for the colleague I've mentioned previously. Apart from tending an ever so slightly sore head, I'm not sure if I am any the wiser and probably sure that this was not the time I thought it was. Drink has a lot to answer for. I'm also very aware that people have their own agendas and it would be extremely presumptuous of me to assume that my coming out to them would have been appropriate at this time.

I did find myself in a position I haven't been in for at least 18 years and that in itself was a little uncomfortable, (i.e. how much I let on and aware that I don't fit in or have the right to understand every bit of a conversation when they are outside my own experiences, however isolating it can be). Surely I would have learnt a better way of dealing with situations like this at my age? However I also found myself today, in between the pain betwixt my ears, in a state of calm that I haven't been in for some time. I was/is the me I thought I'd lost several years ago to age, illness, time whatever you care to call it.

So what happened? I started the day in a slight state of anxiousness. After all this may have been the day I was to fill in the missing details about me which they hinted at when I last spoke to them. I was not kidding myself mind. I did remind myself to go with the flow, gauge what was going on around me and react accordingly. So I spent the day in a good mood, quick off the mark with witty repartee etc.

At the end of work we all headed off to the pub, which was a boat on the Thames near the centre of town, (an interesting combination if you are not used to the natural movements of such a vessel and then add alcohol. I'm happy to say my genes seemed to have inherited the sea legs of my fathers and mothers before me). There were many many people there from our office and further afield, this is as I have said, a remarkable person who many people like.

As the evening drew on people said their goodbyes and there was only a handful left, as is the way and the more meaningful (?) drink fuelled conversations kicked in. Well there were the usual "Ohhhhh... Riiiight!" moments where things click into place and you find out more about people. And these revelations, if you can call them revelations, (many people knew), took center stage. I still found myself identifying with a lot of things some people were saying, from my (covert?) TG perspective. But that is where I decided to leave it. I'm not sure how my fellow drinking buddies viewed me that night. Possibly a little confused or being like a fish out of water. But I was drunk, tired and concentrating hard on what they were saying. They were rightly being open about their own sexuality and I didn't want to spoil it for them by going on about me instead.

I'll get my chance, one day possibly, if it is right to do so. For now I am happy people have been comfortable enough to be more open in my company. Strange that. It happens a bit. Am I giving off similar "I'm repressed" vibes they are unconsciously picking up on. Or are they consciously picking up on them and possibly trying to bolster my confidence so I do eventually "come out" to them? Too complicated and nothing like that at all, is the most probable answer. New work friends anyway. Can't complain about that.