Still Here?

Still Standing!

Just popping in. Two months is a long time to be away. I'm fine. A little bruised emotionally and confused about a whole gamut of things happening around me. Got a bit to update you on as well. But not just yet. Need some time and space to put things down. I'll be back soon.

Too much going on?

I do get the impression that may be the case at the moment. I'm used to having the odd major thing happening, but to have so much in one period of time is disconcerting in a sense. Luckily such alignments only happen rarely in a lifetime, so I'm strangely laid back. Not in a lassez faire kind of way, but more keeping calm because I need to be. A clearer head always works best in these circumstances. I'm always strangely reassured in how I react in these circumstances. An instinctive innate sense of calm in order see the storms, (if you can call them that), through. So different to how I react to the little mundane things, life's minor irritations. I am worried about others around me however and I'm looking out as best I can. I won't say more as I don't need to at present. Rest assured if I need to offload I will here. Thanks for the comments and support on some of the issues, I really appreciate them.

Ohhhhh Heck!

And that's putting it mildly!

We found out today the proposed choice of secondary school for my son. Not first, not second but fifth! This really feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. The primary school he has been in hasn't built upon the aspiring, young man, who was eager to learn and was reading and more when he first started with them six years ago. It isn't a great school though they claim otherwise. There was hope and talk that going to a good secondary school would be just a matter of course, but it seems that isn't so. The school offered is awful we find after visiting and applying, so too late to change our minds. No way is he going there. He feels a failure now, though we tell him it is the system, not him who has failed. Any motivation he has is slipping away slowly. So much pressure, discouragement and internal angst for someone only 10 years of age.

My wife and I now have to search for other options and soon. Can we afford private ed? Are there any sponsorships out there? Is home education an option until something appropriate and constructive turns up?

We also need to make sure our son feels loved and worth so much more than his weight in gold. This is a pivotal moment for him. How he and us handle it could be so crucial for the young man he is to become. Tomorrow he has to go to school and face probably the taunts of his peers because of the school he has been offered, some luckier than he is I know, others in the same boat.

Sometimes the system stares blankly in your face while it continues on its way, oblivious to all. How you react, is what makes you stronger. Finding ways to overcome those boundaries the system places in your way is what makes you adaptable. We've played by the rules though many parents may not have in order to get their child where they want. That makes me proud despite of the situation we are in now. Hope is still there that something good will come of this.

Dydd Gwyl Dewi Sant Hapus!

Or Happy Saint David's Day if you prefer.

The production is now over and while I recover from the closing night party all I am looking forward to is sleep... Lots of it! I'm too tired to shave my beard today, but it is definitely coming off tomorrow. The play got rave reviews, "One of the best productions by the company" which is high praise indeed. Got a few positive compliments myself which I am trying hard to accept. I find I am a little self critical but it is nice to get compliments all the same. The whole cast were exceptionally strong.

So now back to normality. The past week and the play has in itself provided some kind of respite from the previous week's trials. I have gained some strength from my initial coping strategies, which I never realised were in place until now. I do however realise that they are just ways of coping and not for building positively in the longer term. To just rely on them would allow them to be unpicked or chipped away at until they became ineffective. There is a level of uncertainty about. Some things have definitely moved forward, (sorry for those who hate that term), others are in a state of limbo. Let's wait, stay calm, collected and see.

When the Boundaries Between Myth and Reality Become Blurred

If you were to know me in my male persona, you might understand where this is all coming from. The play I'm about to be in covers some serious issues like rape, violent physical abuse and emotional manipulation. It is of course quite demanding simply by being part of the cast alone. It will definitely make the audience think.

This is my first real foray into grown up theatre and a social outlet for me which I haven't had for many years. As such I have really immersed myself into as much as I can, helping out behind the scenes as well. Given the nature of the play it has taken a lot of time to put together and inevitably if we finish before closing we end up in the pub to unwind and discuss what we have just done. As opening night draws ever closer the time asked of us increases and I have been out of the house a lot. Many things I would usually do have been put to one side, (even the brief times as Grace). I have intimated before, being away is causing some tension at home, though I have tried to include my wife and son where I can.

I wont go into more personal details as it isn't really appropriate. What I am trying to say is today a lot of things came to the fore personally. Old demons and current ones, repressed, denied, in your face ones all seem to be yelling for attention today. Most I think I have a handle on, have accepted and hopefully built positively on. So much though seemed to be there chronologically and a few more puzzle pieces fell into place even though they were there in plain view all along. That is weird but again rational depending on what your viewpoint is.

So what were these demons? Am I simply over connecting with the play and allowing myth to become part of my reality? I'm not talking about physical, sexual, or violent abuse. More emotional manipulation over a long period of time. Something just as real. Much was skillfully resolved a few years ago with some professional guidance personally and I recognise where I sit within the context of the whole thing most of the time. Dynamics though have changed slightly and I think I am becoming a focus once more for others. What is different today is that I am aware of it and how it fits into the whole context of my life. But is this just because of the issues I am dealing with in the play? Would I be feeling like this if say the content of the play was completely different? If so, what do I do? Do I suggest to these (this?) other(s) that we do something positive to try and resolve it? Will they want to? That is an important question. I do. If they don't, there are some uncomfortable decisions I may have to try and make and a long road to travel either way.

Cause for Concern

Only a week to go till curtain up and not much time to do much else apart from attend rehearsals and prepare for the play. This however is causing some friction at home as I'm not about much. I can appreciate the difficulties it causes as I have been there myself when my wife has forayed onto the stage as well and I am then at home with the childcare duties. Still it is going to take some bridge building this way round I fear.

So two weeks from now it will be a chance to get back to some normality. To pick up the pieces where I can and concentrate on the other things that are important to me. I'm also counting the days to when I can shave off this "trimmed" beard. Different though it is, my choice to accept the request to grow it, and l have to admit looks the part, I am looking forward to seeing me, in balance, again in the mirror, looking back.

Sometimes I despair...

...I really do. I think I can understand the sentiment behind some recent comments about someone I know only vaguely. She is not doing herself any favours admittedly, nor the TG cause in a wider public sense. Having said that when I have ever chatted to her she has only ever appeared to be polite and nice to talk to. So what am I despairing about? The reaction by some other people to instantly use derogatory remarks about her supposed level of mental well being. She may be unwell, I have no idea. But those who do use these terms have no idea of the damage they are causing in the wider world themselves and in turn are not doing the TG cause any favours either. You would think perhaps those of us in the TG world world have a greater empathy to not use such language. Sadly it doesn't and simply reflects the wide range of people that make up the TG conglomerate. Vive la difference so long as it is within reason it seems. If not let's treat it like grown ups and see if there is a better way of expressing our concerns I say.

Interesting quote

which I saw the other day in the centre of town...

"Be the change you want to see" Mahatma Ghandi

That's it.

I am erring on the side of caution though work wise I've decided. See how it works and move forward when the time is right for all concerned and only if necessary.

Image is Everything...

...but at the moment I don't think I've got it. Eddie Izzard once said there is a very fine line between looking good and looking like a d***head. At the moment I'm having such issues. This week I've agreed to grow some stubble/beard to see if the look will be right for the up coming production I'm going to be in. Ok for a start that will mean any time en femme will be a little tainted but it will only be for a few weeks before getting back to normal so is worth it for me as far as I am concerned. Anyhow I digress. This means, four days in sans shave and with my hair the length it is, I realise I look like Frank Gallagher out of Shameless. Quelle Horruer! This does however explain Why I'm being shadowed by security in nearly every shop I go into and being followed by our local Community Officers recently. How we suffer for our art eh? I hope I can at least negotiate a slight trim and shape by the end of the week!

Realising a Childhood Dream...

...and making me a very happy grown up. OK this may not appear to be all that connected to being transgender, but tonight I had a lot of fun and it really was fun. Oh Yes!

I'm doing some Am Dram at the moment and part of the play I'm in requires me to do some sword fighting. Tonight was the first rehearsal doing this. It is all choreographed by someone who does this for a living, so we are doing this proper for best effect. One childhood dream has just been realised and I'm loving it!

Work and the Modern Girl

The LGBT group in work has had its first meeting and the director overseeing it, true to her word, has kept me informed and I'm going to get indirectly involved in order to put some T perspective and input to it. Part of me feels I would really like to actually attend the meetings but that would involve some risk. Not necessarily with the other group members who I feel I could trust, but with the rest of my office. It is my team's job to know what is going on in the organisation and the meeting itself is on the main floor of the office which would require walking past everyone I know. It wouldn't take too long for people to put two and two together. The majority I know could handle it. One or two, from hearing past comments about other T people, would find me abhorrent, putting it mildly.

I think if I was on my own I could live with that, but again I have to consider my wife and son. Which brings me to wondering if I should ask my wife for permission to do this, or to keep things as an indirect contribution. To ask permission may sound abhorrent to some who think it is my life and I should do as I choose. Yes perhaps, but it has consequences on those who I love and I have to discuss it at the very least. This group is being set up in part to address these very issues as well as other more wide ranging ones. If my wife is uncomfortable then I will understand but I will still have the indirect input. A smaller step perhaps but a step all the same.

Promotion...

...of sorts, but not at work. Over the years my feminine side has been brought into the fore in moments of banter etc between my wife and I. Comments like "oooh bitch!" and "n'ah girlfriend!" are common usage by my wife at these times . Though you have to understand they are good humoured... well most of the time anyway. The other day a new line had been crossed with... "You think so sister!", followed by a look of instant recognition that this was something new and looking at me to see if I had picked up the same. Of course I had. I was ecstatic, internally you understand, but I just gave a knowing smile back. Little things. Little things.

Dance of Many Veils

Indeed it is. Many sides to us, many veils, choreographed into a sensual graceful piece of performance which we put on for the world around us. Deciding how much to show the world, a little delectation, how much not to show as too much will loose the mystique in its entirety. Occasionally we may loose concentration and slip, stumble, step out of time to the music. We fumble, grab at the falling veil(s) twisting, unnaturally contorting to ensure the dance can continue.

This isn't my second blog of the year. It is in fact my third. The second now deleted, never published, was started over a week ago. Prompted mostly by watching "The Hours". A film I would recommend but only when you are feeling at your best. I so needed to out pour my feelings afterwards. It took a few days to get back on kilter. Made me think about my failings as a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, a human being at times, exacerbated by physical health problems in recent years to which I am now cursed(?) no... tied, scrub that... living with. Sometimes writing it down is the best tonic. It doesn't have to be published. Putting it into context, realising it is part of the impetus, the drive, for the dance of life which we put on for the world around us to see, is what gives it the gravitas, the feeling, understanding and empathy that needs to be conveyed, without leaving too much on show and enough for the imagination to delight in.

And so the dance goes on...

Now can anyone explain how you are supposed to keep the jewel in your belly button without it popping out?

Resolute About Resolutions...

...that I for one won't necessarily be making any just for the sake of it being New Year. What happens for the other 364 days of the year? I can't help however, looking back over the past twelve months, no decade, as people are pointing out and seeing what has happened to me and my family. This in turn is making me look at where we are now and naturally my thoughts are looking at what may happen in the future. So in this respect I concede there may be an opportunity to 'tweak' my aspirations and goals, but not in the concrete sense that the term 'resolution' intimates. Who knows what may be ahead? What life will throw at us? And how we will react to this when it happens? I can see what has been put in place to affect me this year, mostly positive, some needs strengthening after the trials of 2009. Sources of some external support I really haven't relied upon as much as I feel I have outgrown them in a way. That doesn't deny the great support they gave or might give in the future, but for now they are not as relevant to me and haven't adapted, dare I say it aren't as flexible to do so once someone has a modicum of confidence about who they are. Support for me is coming from closer to home. That is what I need to concentrate on I feel, as it appears to be also offering an opportunity to offer support back in whatever small way.

My life is unique, in much the same way as yours is unique. Never quite the same from person to person. I've got a lot of work to do this year/decade. Things to try and change. Things to bolster. Other things to let go. Some will be hard as I have become accustomed to living in a surreptitiously destructive way at times, inactive and often wasting precious time. I need time to relax, to be me as well. Keep looking for balance. Others are relying on me too.

Enough meandering through my thoughts for now. Not sure if it is making sense. Happy New Year. Be happy. Have fun if you can.