... to be experiencing a few ups and downs at the moment. My long pauses between blogs here reflect my inability to put much in coherently at times. I start a blog, only to come back to edit it later before publishing and find it does seem to be, (to me), some self-centred, feeling sorry for myself, drivel. So I do the usual thing of letting the unpublished blog fester unedited, superseded by newer blogs, some of which get published, some not, before relegating them to the delete button, never to be seen again, (thank heavens!).
Something ain't right.
About Me
- Grace
- Living life somewhere along the transgender scale. Found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. Still get confused sometimes. Who wouldn't?
Monday, 19 July 2010
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Jumping Ahead of Myself
Went out for a meal with the girls from work the other night. They asked what conference I was attending so I told them and that it was to help the LGBT group find out more about T issues. Though I didn't mention my personal reasons, wine was flowing and the conversation was getting in depth. I realise I was coming across with a lot of information about T issues. I had thought about this before going out and decided that if I was asked then I would tell them what conference I was going to. I'm uncertain if they will ask me if I am Transgender next week or whether they will choose not to in respect of my privacy. I do however feel safer with the immediate team and department around me and that they would keep such knowledge within the boundaries of the department. Its what they do work wise anyhow. Let's see.
The Acting Bug
... did indeed bite again, but sooner than I imagined. I made the mistake of getting back on stage almost immediately after the last time. It wasn't intentional as I thought I was helping the director have someone that others auditioning could read against. In the end I was offered a part. As much as I enjoyed it I also hated it. It again took up a lot of my time, away from home when I should have been supporting my wife and son. I just wasn't able to put the time and concentration I would usually put in as my mind was elsewhere, where I should have been. My part had a lot of monologues and the character went through a lot of changes. The play was a comedy but my part was the darker side which the comedy could play against. I found I was still scrabbling for my lines at times even at the dress rehearsal. On the plus side, to play such a role was great and demanding in itself paradoxically, if you didn't have all else going on in your life. I learnt a lot. The play went down well, I didn't mess up and I'm told people saw me differently and my acting ability in a new positive light. I just think now I'm going to take some time out, (is this deja vu?). New plays are auditioning soon and they do look fun, but my wife needs some space to do something at the theatre herself.
I am however involved behind the scenes elsewhere for a show currently running. Props and scene building. Again a lot to do. I'm not getting it completely right, but learning all the time and the play is running fine. Oh the joys of retrospect, for which knowledge I lacked before. Soon it will be time to strike the stage in readiness for the next production. A blank sheet.
I am however involved behind the scenes elsewhere for a show currently running. Props and scene building. Again a lot to do. I'm not getting it completely right, but learning all the time and the play is running fine. Oh the joys of retrospect, for which knowledge I lacked before. Soon it will be time to strike the stage in readiness for the next production. A blank sheet.
LGBT Work
As you may know I am involved with the LGBT group in work, which is a new venture aimed at trying to get policies and procedures etc in place to support not only staff but the people who utilise our services. I was getting involved indirectly via the Equality and Diversity director, but I soon found it was difficult, wanting to say so much through a third party and quickly. So I arranged to meet the group Chair outside the office to discuss this and my reasons for wanting to join the group. Since then I have been attending the group meetings. I'm listed on the minutes as attending etc, which I don't strangely have a problem with. But what is not listed at the moment is that I'm the Transgender Lead. This is in part because I am still slightly insecure about this, but also because other leads feel similarly. It is an all or no-one listed kind of list. Though I have to admit I'm coming round to the idea. The director I used to liaise through said she admired me for openly joining within the group. I do feel safe within it as we all respect each other.
I am at present the only T person there, hence my role within the group. I realise just how much I don't know about T issues even though I am myself. Perhaps more though than the rest of the group. It's been interesting trying to just come up with definitions etc and seeing what other people assume. I do at times manage to stop myself from sounding like the only Trans person in the village, or like that scene in the Life of Brian in the Colosseum, (sometimes it is so difficult to avoid however).
I felt had to explain to my line manager what I was doing and why. She has been marvellously accepting and thanked me for feeling able to be open to her about it. It is something which is being kept in confidence.
This is a big task for me. I'm working in a not for profit organisation so some of what I do will have implications on the services and support we offer across England. Working for such an organisation in the current financial situation, means I have to concentrate mostly on keeping the team I lead as an ongoing concern and seen as something valuable to the organisation, before I can allot time to the LGBT stuff. A lot of juggling is needed. My role is changing irrespective of my time within the LGBT group and needs to for reasons said before. But this is also important to me. Time to spend additional time outside work if necessary.
I am at present the only T person there, hence my role within the group. I realise just how much I don't know about T issues even though I am myself. Perhaps more though than the rest of the group. It's been interesting trying to just come up with definitions etc and seeing what other people assume. I do at times manage to stop myself from sounding like the only Trans person in the village, or like that scene in the Life of Brian in the Colosseum, (sometimes it is so difficult to avoid however).
I felt had to explain to my line manager what I was doing and why. She has been marvellously accepting and thanked me for feeling able to be open to her about it. It is something which is being kept in confidence.
This is a big task for me. I'm working in a not for profit organisation so some of what I do will have implications on the services and support we offer across England. Working for such an organisation in the current financial situation, means I have to concentrate mostly on keeping the team I lead as an ongoing concern and seen as something valuable to the organisation, before I can allot time to the LGBT stuff. A lot of juggling is needed. My role is changing irrespective of my time within the LGBT group and needs to for reasons said before. But this is also important to me. Time to spend additional time outside work if necessary.
Conferences
Not the best at going to these kind of things anyway, as I always feel so uncomfortable with the breaks in between. The bits where everyone is in the same room wandering about, looking at stalls, politely smiling at each other. Unless you are a seasoned conference go-er or have arranged to go with Someone else, these bits can be so demanding.
I had one of those days yesterday. I'd arranged to attend the Trans Community conference in London for reasons in part I'll explain in my next post probably. Anyhow I was presenting in male mode as I wasn't sure if there were going to be changing facilities, but opted for "Grace" on my name tag as I was in all intent and purposes going in this mindset anyway and who knows I might bump into someone I knew.
I was in two minds about what to go and see. Pressure was in part to go to the organisational related seminars, but I had paid to go myself and perhaps I might indulge myself too? In the end I opted for the former and found out some more about the up coming Equality Bill and creating Trans inclusion policies in Health etc. I was intending to go to another but it was one of those double seminar ones which throws out your other choices. Something which we were told we had to commit to, so I reluctantly opted to leave the room before it started. This resulted in me wandering for a while, slightly miffed that I might be wasting an hour and a half before the next seminar. Jay Stewart at Gendered Intelligence was kind enough to suggest I went to the Voices in Poetry, (one of the ones I was thinking of going to for me personally previous). Jay explained though it was the second part of a double seminar it wasn't connected. So I went upstairs and there waiting at the door was Rebbecca welcoming me in. It was a great seminar/workshop with lots to learn breathing wise etc and we arranged as a group to perform two poems at the end of the day. Oh how I wish I had just in part some of Rebecca's confidence, stance and demeanor, She came across as a lovey person. I met some lovely people in that group. One or two I know elsewhere on the interweb, but I wasn't sure whether to say hello as it may be the wrong thing to do and I was in male mode as well. If they are reading this, apologies I'm exceedingly shy as well in these situations, I wasn't being intentionally rude. That was fun. In the performance we were also encouraged to show how to make silent sounds with our lips and open sounds, like a horse and a motorbike. It did anyway go down well.
It was nice as well to finally meet some transmen too. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Kicking myself about my inability to network outside the seminars, saying some ridiculous things when I tried and even dropping a cup of coffee during one conversation. Heavens! Glad I didn't change there though as there was a bit of a rush to get us out and going out in public is something I have yet to do.
I had one of those days yesterday. I'd arranged to attend the Trans Community conference in London for reasons in part I'll explain in my next post probably. Anyhow I was presenting in male mode as I wasn't sure if there were going to be changing facilities, but opted for "Grace" on my name tag as I was in all intent and purposes going in this mindset anyway and who knows I might bump into someone I knew.
I was in two minds about what to go and see. Pressure was in part to go to the organisational related seminars, but I had paid to go myself and perhaps I might indulge myself too? In the end I opted for the former and found out some more about the up coming Equality Bill and creating Trans inclusion policies in Health etc. I was intending to go to another but it was one of those double seminar ones which throws out your other choices. Something which we were told we had to commit to, so I reluctantly opted to leave the room before it started. This resulted in me wandering for a while, slightly miffed that I might be wasting an hour and a half before the next seminar. Jay Stewart at Gendered Intelligence was kind enough to suggest I went to the Voices in Poetry, (one of the ones I was thinking of going to for me personally previous). Jay explained though it was the second part of a double seminar it wasn't connected. So I went upstairs and there waiting at the door was Rebbecca welcoming me in. It was a great seminar/workshop with lots to learn breathing wise etc and we arranged as a group to perform two poems at the end of the day. Oh how I wish I had just in part some of Rebecca's confidence, stance and demeanor, She came across as a lovey person. I met some lovely people in that group. One or two I know elsewhere on the interweb, but I wasn't sure whether to say hello as it may be the wrong thing to do and I was in male mode as well. If they are reading this, apologies I'm exceedingly shy as well in these situations, I wasn't being intentionally rude. That was fun. In the performance we were also encouraged to show how to make silent sounds with our lips and open sounds, like a horse and a motorbike. It did anyway go down well.
It was nice as well to finally meet some transmen too. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Kicking myself about my inability to network outside the seminars, saying some ridiculous things when I tried and even dropping a cup of coffee during one conversation. Heavens! Glad I didn't change there though as there was a bit of a rush to get us out and going out in public is something I have yet to do.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
The Internal Knot
There is, it seems, an internal knot, a piece of string that starts off small but grows longer over time. It gets jiggled about by external motion and bounces around against internal restraints. As with any free moving piece of string, this will, eventually, over time, become entangled with itself and other items within reach of it, perhaps many times over. So what to do when things get too tangled? When things feel so taught that the string may snap. When things are so entangled, different pieces of the string may be tournacating others unrelated to them.
The urge is to tug at it sharply in order to remove it quickly, but that can result in the knot becoming more taught and more tightly entrenched. Or breaks the string altogether leaving rough, untidy, frayed remnants and two unconnected pieces.
We sometimes start at any random point and to try and unravel the piece of string. That, though satisfying, may be causing unseen entanglement elsewhere which will come to light as you reach that part of the string.
At other times we choose to have no more truck with trying to sort out the entanglement and opt instead to cut it out all together and then either tie the loose ends together, or leave them to float freely. The string is then incomplete and weakened within its structure and its fibres no longer intertwined.
With space and time set aside, sometimes we can look at the knot(s) and string in its entirety. This enables us to make a more educated guess at where to start and to plan for any additional snarl ups further down the process. It can be a meticulous, time consuming project. One which sometimes requires the assistance of others, some with expertise and experience in this particular dexterous field. When the string is looser we often feel like there is no more need to continue the detangle. This though may result in an earlier return to the entangled stage than expected.
As an analogy this seemed pretty pertinent to me at the time I was typing it. Looking at it now, Is it too convoluted or just plain daft? I'm putting it up anyway. Who knows.
The urge is to tug at it sharply in order to remove it quickly, but that can result in the knot becoming more taught and more tightly entrenched. Or breaks the string altogether leaving rough, untidy, frayed remnants and two unconnected pieces.
We sometimes start at any random point and to try and unravel the piece of string. That, though satisfying, may be causing unseen entanglement elsewhere which will come to light as you reach that part of the string.
At other times we choose to have no more truck with trying to sort out the entanglement and opt instead to cut it out all together and then either tie the loose ends together, or leave them to float freely. The string is then incomplete and weakened within its structure and its fibres no longer intertwined.
With space and time set aside, sometimes we can look at the knot(s) and string in its entirety. This enables us to make a more educated guess at where to start and to plan for any additional snarl ups further down the process. It can be a meticulous, time consuming project. One which sometimes requires the assistance of others, some with expertise and experience in this particular dexterous field. When the string is looser we often feel like there is no more need to continue the detangle. This though may result in an earlier return to the entangled stage than expected.
As an analogy this seemed pretty pertinent to me at the time I was typing it. Looking at it now, Is it too convoluted or just plain daft? I'm putting it up anyway. Who knows.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Education in life
I'm worried and disappointed with yesterday's decision regarding the BSF scheme. Living in the borough which rated lowest in the UK for pupil/parent choice for prospective secondary schools and one which I note has almost all its BSF schemes stopped, I have to ask why? Is this a return to make do and say nothing in schools full of cramped classrooms not fit for purpose? I respect the need to reduce uneccessary spending and beaurocracy, but what is the goverment going to put in place, if at all, that will make this generation of children, have a sense of self worth and positive direction? Shame on the government for hitting those not yet old enough to have a voice in the voting system.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Get Knitted!
Just a trivial post to start off. Tried my hand at knitting today at a lunchtime workshop in work. Haven't done anything like this since I was but a youngster with my Mum. It was very addictive, though my work in progress wasn't brilliant, I think if this becomes a regular thing in work I could become hooked, (shouldn't that be crochet?). A great opportunity to have a natter as well as seeing some of the great things you can make! As I was in Bob mode, quite happy to be the only man there and the girls were very patient with me. Just have to learn not to stick my tongue out of the corner of my mouth when concentrating!
Monday, 14 June 2010
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Still Here?
Still Standing!
Just popping in. Two months is a long time to be away. I'm fine. A little bruised emotionally and confused about a whole gamut of things happening around me. Got a bit to update you on as well. But not just yet. Need some time and space to put things down. I'll be back soon.
Just popping in. Two months is a long time to be away. I'm fine. A little bruised emotionally and confused about a whole gamut of things happening around me. Got a bit to update you on as well. But not just yet. Need some time and space to put things down. I'll be back soon.
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Too much going on?
I do get the impression that may be the case at the moment. I'm used to having the odd major thing happening, but to have so much in one period of time is disconcerting in a sense. Luckily such alignments only happen rarely in a lifetime, so I'm strangely laid back. Not in a lassez faire kind of way, but more keeping calm because I need to be. A clearer head always works best in these circumstances. I'm always strangely reassured in how I react in these circumstances. An instinctive innate sense of calm in order see the storms, (if you can call them that), through. So different to how I react to the little mundane things, life's minor irritations. I am worried about others around me however and I'm looking out as best I can. I won't say more as I don't need to at present. Rest assured if I need to offload I will here. Thanks for the comments and support on some of the issues, I really appreciate them.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Ohhhhh Heck!
And that's putting it mildly!
We found out today the proposed choice of secondary school for my son. Not first, not second but fifth! This really feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. The primary school he has been in hasn't built upon the aspiring, young man, who was eager to learn and was reading and more when he first started with them six years ago. It isn't a great school though they claim otherwise. There was hope and talk that going to a good secondary school would be just a matter of course, but it seems that isn't so. The school offered is awful we find after visiting and applying, so too late to change our minds. No way is he going there. He feels a failure now, though we tell him it is the system, not him who has failed. Any motivation he has is slipping away slowly. So much pressure, discouragement and internal angst for someone only 10 years of age.
My wife and I now have to search for other options and soon. Can we afford private ed? Are there any sponsorships out there? Is home education an option until something appropriate and constructive turns up?
We also need to make sure our son feels loved and worth so much more than his weight in gold. This is a pivotal moment for him. How he and us handle it could be so crucial for the young man he is to become. Tomorrow he has to go to school and face probably the taunts of his peers because of the school he has been offered, some luckier than he is I know, others in the same boat.
Sometimes the system stares blankly in your face while it continues on its way, oblivious to all. How you react, is what makes you stronger. Finding ways to overcome those boundaries the system places in your way is what makes you adaptable. We've played by the rules though many parents may not have in order to get their child where they want. That makes me proud despite of the situation we are in now. Hope is still there that something good will come of this.
We found out today the proposed choice of secondary school for my son. Not first, not second but fifth! This really feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. The primary school he has been in hasn't built upon the aspiring, young man, who was eager to learn and was reading and more when he first started with them six years ago. It isn't a great school though they claim otherwise. There was hope and talk that going to a good secondary school would be just a matter of course, but it seems that isn't so. The school offered is awful we find after visiting and applying, so too late to change our minds. No way is he going there. He feels a failure now, though we tell him it is the system, not him who has failed. Any motivation he has is slipping away slowly. So much pressure, discouragement and internal angst for someone only 10 years of age.
My wife and I now have to search for other options and soon. Can we afford private ed? Are there any sponsorships out there? Is home education an option until something appropriate and constructive turns up?
We also need to make sure our son feels loved and worth so much more than his weight in gold. This is a pivotal moment for him. How he and us handle it could be so crucial for the young man he is to become. Tomorrow he has to go to school and face probably the taunts of his peers because of the school he has been offered, some luckier than he is I know, others in the same boat.
Sometimes the system stares blankly in your face while it continues on its way, oblivious to all. How you react, is what makes you stronger. Finding ways to overcome those boundaries the system places in your way is what makes you adaptable. We've played by the rules though many parents may not have in order to get their child where they want. That makes me proud despite of the situation we are in now. Hope is still there that something good will come of this.
Monday, 1 March 2010
Dydd Gwyl Dewi Sant Hapus!
Or Happy Saint David's Day if you prefer.
The production is now over and while I recover from the closing night party all I am looking forward to is sleep... Lots of it! I'm too tired to shave my beard today, but it is definitely coming off tomorrow. The play got rave reviews, "One of the best productions by the company" which is high praise indeed. Got a few positive compliments myself which I am trying hard to accept. I find I am a little self critical but it is nice to get compliments all the same. The whole cast were exceptionally strong.
So now back to normality. The past week and the play has in itself provided some kind of respite from the previous week's trials. I have gained some strength from my initial coping strategies, which I never realised were in place until now. I do however realise that they are just ways of coping and not for building positively in the longer term. To just rely on them would allow them to be unpicked or chipped away at until they became ineffective. There is a level of uncertainty about. Some things have definitely moved forward, (sorry for those who hate that term), others are in a state of limbo. Let's wait, stay calm, collected and see.
The production is now over and while I recover from the closing night party all I am looking forward to is sleep... Lots of it! I'm too tired to shave my beard today, but it is definitely coming off tomorrow. The play got rave reviews, "One of the best productions by the company" which is high praise indeed. Got a few positive compliments myself which I am trying hard to accept. I find I am a little self critical but it is nice to get compliments all the same. The whole cast were exceptionally strong.
So now back to normality. The past week and the play has in itself provided some kind of respite from the previous week's trials. I have gained some strength from my initial coping strategies, which I never realised were in place until now. I do however realise that they are just ways of coping and not for building positively in the longer term. To just rely on them would allow them to be unpicked or chipped away at until they became ineffective. There is a level of uncertainty about. Some things have definitely moved forward, (sorry for those who hate that term), others are in a state of limbo. Let's wait, stay calm, collected and see.
Friday, 19 February 2010
When the Boundaries Between Myth and Reality Become Blurred
If you were to know me in my male persona, you might understand where this is all coming from. The play I'm about to be in covers some serious issues like rape, violent physical abuse and emotional manipulation. It is of course quite demanding simply by being part of the cast alone. It will definitely make the audience think.
This is my first real foray into grown up theatre and a social outlet for me which I haven't had for many years. As such I have really immersed myself into as much as I can, helping out behind the scenes as well. Given the nature of the play it has taken a lot of time to put together and inevitably if we finish before closing we end up in the pub to unwind and discuss what we have just done. As opening night draws ever closer the time asked of us increases and I have been out of the house a lot. Many things I would usually do have been put to one side, (even the brief times as Grace). I have intimated before, being away is causing some tension at home, though I have tried to include my wife and son where I can.
I wont go into more personal details as it isn't really appropriate. What I am trying to say is today a lot of things came to the fore personally. Old demons and current ones, repressed, denied, in your face ones all seem to be yelling for attention today. Most I think I have a handle on, have accepted and hopefully built positively on. So much though seemed to be there chronologically and a few more puzzle pieces fell into place even though they were there in plain view all along. That is weird but again rational depending on what your viewpoint is.
So what were these demons? Am I simply over connecting with the play and allowing myth to become part of my reality? I'm not talking about physical, sexual, or violent abuse. More emotional manipulation over a long period of time. Something just as real. Much was skillfully resolved a few years ago with some professional guidance personally and I recognise where I sit within the context of the whole thing most of the time. Dynamics though have changed slightly and I think I am becoming a focus once more for others. What is different today is that I am aware of it and how it fits into the whole context of my life. But is this just because of the issues I am dealing with in the play? Would I be feeling like this if say the content of the play was completely different? If so, what do I do? Do I suggest to these (this?) other(s) that we do something positive to try and resolve it? Will they want to? That is an important question. I do. If they don't, there are some uncomfortable decisions I may have to try and make and a long road to travel either way.
This is my first real foray into grown up theatre and a social outlet for me which I haven't had for many years. As such I have really immersed myself into as much as I can, helping out behind the scenes as well. Given the nature of the play it has taken a lot of time to put together and inevitably if we finish before closing we end up in the pub to unwind and discuss what we have just done. As opening night draws ever closer the time asked of us increases and I have been out of the house a lot. Many things I would usually do have been put to one side, (even the brief times as Grace). I have intimated before, being away is causing some tension at home, though I have tried to include my wife and son where I can.
I wont go into more personal details as it isn't really appropriate. What I am trying to say is today a lot of things came to the fore personally. Old demons and current ones, repressed, denied, in your face ones all seem to be yelling for attention today. Most I think I have a handle on, have accepted and hopefully built positively on. So much though seemed to be there chronologically and a few more puzzle pieces fell into place even though they were there in plain view all along. That is weird but again rational depending on what your viewpoint is.
So what were these demons? Am I simply over connecting with the play and allowing myth to become part of my reality? I'm not talking about physical, sexual, or violent abuse. More emotional manipulation over a long period of time. Something just as real. Much was skillfully resolved a few years ago with some professional guidance personally and I recognise where I sit within the context of the whole thing most of the time. Dynamics though have changed slightly and I think I am becoming a focus once more for others. What is different today is that I am aware of it and how it fits into the whole context of my life. But is this just because of the issues I am dealing with in the play? Would I be feeling like this if say the content of the play was completely different? If so, what do I do? Do I suggest to these (this?) other(s) that we do something positive to try and resolve it? Will they want to? That is an important question. I do. If they don't, there are some uncomfortable decisions I may have to try and make and a long road to travel either way.
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