Well it seems my trepidation was valid work wise. Can't say too much until more is known. Needless to say it's pretty much more of the same which we have seen and experienced before. Not going to burn any bridges. Will have to look at how this pans out and make the most of it as I have done time and again. At the end of the day with everything else going on the moment a steady income is nothing to be sniffed at but in a worse case scenario it will just become that, a job, nothing more.
So I guess this means trying to find more out of life elsewhere. Oooo decisions, decisions.
On a plus side I'm through to the next stage of tests. I found out I'm a Little shorter than I used to be and only a little bit overweight... Yay! Still not counting my chickens on this one yet though. There are still a lot of hurdles to jump.
About Me
- Grace
- Living life somewhere along the transgender scale. Found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. Still get confused sometimes. Who wouldn't?
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Blurrggh!
I've been a little under the weather the past few days, feeling dizzy and weird and wanting to fall asleep a lot. I'm putting it down to something going around in work but it just won't come to anything. I'd like to take a day off and recuperate but things have been busy and I've been covering whilst the rest of my team are away. This means I'm just feeling more tired at the end of the day. I intend to right the balance soon.
The letter with the first Work Up appointment arrived the day after my last blog. That's always the way isn't it? It will be in a few weeks and will take place over a day with a few tests booked and a talk with the Renal Transplant Co-ordinator. Hopefully that will bring us a little closer to finding out if I would be a suitable donor. In the mean time I'm trying to make a start ahead of this and to eat a little more healthily. I'm not overweight but I would like to loose this tummy I have. Just middle age spread and to get back down to what I was a few years back would be ideal. Last week's minor progress was all but lost what with this feeling unwell and lack of activity. No Tai Chi either as it was cancelled at the last minute. Think when I'm feeling more well I will have to find some additional activity to burn some calories. Maybe walking during my lunch hour.
The feminine side to me is very strong at the moment, whether that is a reaction to feeling a little unwell, stressed or just plain vulnerable, I don't know. There is an inner strength to it though and it compliments my everyday state of mind. It's helping me to get through the day.
The letter with the first Work Up appointment arrived the day after my last blog. That's always the way isn't it? It will be in a few weeks and will take place over a day with a few tests booked and a talk with the Renal Transplant Co-ordinator. Hopefully that will bring us a little closer to finding out if I would be a suitable donor. In the mean time I'm trying to make a start ahead of this and to eat a little more healthily. I'm not overweight but I would like to loose this tummy I have. Just middle age spread and to get back down to what I was a few years back would be ideal. Last week's minor progress was all but lost what with this feeling unwell and lack of activity. No Tai Chi either as it was cancelled at the last minute. Think when I'm feeling more well I will have to find some additional activity to burn some calories. Maybe walking during my lunch hour.
The feminine side to me is very strong at the moment, whether that is a reaction to feeling a little unwell, stressed or just plain vulnerable, I don't know. There is an inner strength to it though and it compliments my everyday state of mind. It's helping me to get through the day.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Life in Tandem
It’s strange, how on one hand things are rushing along at a headlong pace and on the other, things are just so slow, almost to the point of distraction. I’m experiencing a kind of dual time line at the moment, with both running parallel to each other.
In work I still don’t know much more about what is going to happen. However the little odds and ends I have gleaned make things look promising. It won’t be easy but it looks like, at last, I could be running a proper service, with proper input and expected outcomes. My mind is doing overtime at the moment trying to put together all the hopes and ideas into some coherent form so I’m ready for the discussions and plans that lie ahead. I almost want to cry at the prospect of some relief from having run a service largely ignored up till now by the organisation. That is what brings me down to earth again. Once bitten they say... Or in this case, several times, (shall we say slightly gnawed instead?). I have been here before, hence my slight trepidation, which is a healthy thing to have. True, I don’t know the full facts of what is going to happen yet. Nor do I know what is going to happen to my post, but the hints I’m getting suggest that my team is part of the plan this time and not just an aside. Proper slotting in and overseen from a service provision point of view too. I wait with some eager anticipation to see how this develops. I appear to be getting a raison d'être again work-wise. But let’s see.
At home things have not left much time for anything. Money is getting tighter and tempers are fraying a little at times for all sorts of reasons. Personally too I’m not getting any Grace time and I haven’t since before Christmas. I’m ashamed to say this means occasionally I have gotten grumpy when I see opportunities lost at the last minute to something else. I need to book a day or two’s me time. I need to look after myself as well, though the opportunity may not arise for a couple more weeks yet. Booking it in work though will be a boost in itself and something to look forward to. I have to say mind that moods are improving a little at home with cuddles/hugs and decent conversations reappearing. I’ve also started Tai Chi in the last few weeks. It is something which I so wanted to do over the past few years but opportunities have always seemed to clash with other things. We’re doing it in work and I have to admit after a lesson, with calming music, subdued lighting and fabulous views over the city, I am so chilled out and relaxed. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re thinking about doing Tai Chi yourself.
So with so much going on, what if anything is going so slowly? Well I haven’t yet heard anything from the hospital about my own tests and possible work up. I know it is only a few weeks, and that this is the NHS we’re talking about, but I would like to find out whether I would be a viable donor for my wife. These few weeks have felt like months paradoxically when compared to everything else going on. I’ll give it another week before chasing this up with the hospital.
In work I still don’t know much more about what is going to happen. However the little odds and ends I have gleaned make things look promising. It won’t be easy but it looks like, at last, I could be running a proper service, with proper input and expected outcomes. My mind is doing overtime at the moment trying to put together all the hopes and ideas into some coherent form so I’m ready for the discussions and plans that lie ahead. I almost want to cry at the prospect of some relief from having run a service largely ignored up till now by the organisation. That is what brings me down to earth again. Once bitten they say... Or in this case, several times, (shall we say slightly gnawed instead?). I have been here before, hence my slight trepidation, which is a healthy thing to have. True, I don’t know the full facts of what is going to happen yet. Nor do I know what is going to happen to my post, but the hints I’m getting suggest that my team is part of the plan this time and not just an aside. Proper slotting in and overseen from a service provision point of view too. I wait with some eager anticipation to see how this develops. I appear to be getting a raison d'être again work-wise. But let’s see.
At home things have not left much time for anything. Money is getting tighter and tempers are fraying a little at times for all sorts of reasons. Personally too I’m not getting any Grace time and I haven’t since before Christmas. I’m ashamed to say this means occasionally I have gotten grumpy when I see opportunities lost at the last minute to something else. I need to book a day or two’s me time. I need to look after myself as well, though the opportunity may not arise for a couple more weeks yet. Booking it in work though will be a boost in itself and something to look forward to. I have to say mind that moods are improving a little at home with cuddles/hugs and decent conversations reappearing. I’ve also started Tai Chi in the last few weeks. It is something which I so wanted to do over the past few years but opportunities have always seemed to clash with other things. We’re doing it in work and I have to admit after a lesson, with calming music, subdued lighting and fabulous views over the city, I am so chilled out and relaxed. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re thinking about doing Tai Chi yourself.
So with so much going on, what if anything is going so slowly? Well I haven’t yet heard anything from the hospital about my own tests and possible work up. I know it is only a few weeks, and that this is the NHS we’re talking about, but I would like to find out whether I would be a viable donor for my wife. These few weeks have felt like months paradoxically when compared to everything else going on. I’ll give it another week before chasing this up with the hospital.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Catching Up
OK so I was rubbish this time at keeping an advent calendar going. In my defence I had a lot on. At the end of each day I just didn’t have the energy to do anything else apart from fall asleep on the sofa. This was not a bad thing I might add.
Think I might take a break from the theatre for a short while though. It feels right to take some time with the family now while we can. We’ve been trying to build some support networks at home, reconnecting with those people around us who mean a lot. Appreciating friendship when it is there. Christmas I thought was going to be heavy, but I was proved wrong. For that I am thankful and for some new support from within the family. The endeavour for more networking needs to continue. I… We need it.
Last week I put myself forward to become a live donor for my wife when that time comes, (whenever that may be). Now I have to wait for tests etc to be arranged. All to see if this will be possible. I’m told around 80% of prospective donors are turned down simply because of their own unsuitability for surgery etc. This is alongside seeing if there are enough compatibility factors to make a decent transplant success. I have to admit to having read a lot of leaflets in a short while recently, so I’m trying to avoid using too much terminology here. So now I have to prepare myself for the what ifs? What if I’m not suitable, or compatible? What if the transplant is rejected if it was to go ahead? These are some of the questions that need to be asked along with a few more I’m sure. We've recently gone to a Transplant Information Programme meeting which will gave us the opportunity to meet other people who have done the same. We had already done the one on the different types of dialysis, and I was glad there were a few more people this time who are more our age who have experienced some of the same things as we have and are. While it is nice to discuss things with Mr Jones and Mrs Smith, shall we say, who are in their 70’s, you do feel more out of water than maybe you should.
As an aside if the transplant were to go ahead, my wife and I have joked that at last at least one piece of me will be all woman! If it transpires I have both a sparkly and a plain kidney I get to keep the sparkly one too! If anything will help to make a transplant a success this has to be up there surely?
Getting a work-life balance at the moment is looking slightly strained. Things are starting to look very tight money-wise with us becoming more reliant on my, what was the second, wage in the family. Even with cuts to our budget we may not have enough. I’m loathed to take a weekend job as that would in effect lessen my time at home when it is needed more. A temporary one perhaps, if needs must, as and when. I’ll take a look at some agency work and see what’s available perhaps. In work, things continue to work towards change. Still waiting to see what that entails and if that creates added workload & pressure. My colleague of 4 years has left leaving me with some new people to mould etc on my own. While I will miss her I’m also quite enjoying the challenge as it is a change to the usual mundane things that have been part of my job of late. Work however has been quite accommodating of what is going on at home which is good. I just need to make sure these newbies are supported while I’m out of the office and aren’t too strained by all this either.
Well that's it for now. I'll try and be a bit better at updating this blog this year.
Think I might take a break from the theatre for a short while though. It feels right to take some time with the family now while we can. We’ve been trying to build some support networks at home, reconnecting with those people around us who mean a lot. Appreciating friendship when it is there. Christmas I thought was going to be heavy, but I was proved wrong. For that I am thankful and for some new support from within the family. The endeavour for more networking needs to continue. I… We need it.
Last week I put myself forward to become a live donor for my wife when that time comes, (whenever that may be). Now I have to wait for tests etc to be arranged. All to see if this will be possible. I’m told around 80% of prospective donors are turned down simply because of their own unsuitability for surgery etc. This is alongside seeing if there are enough compatibility factors to make a decent transplant success. I have to admit to having read a lot of leaflets in a short while recently, so I’m trying to avoid using too much terminology here. So now I have to prepare myself for the what ifs? What if I’m not suitable, or compatible? What if the transplant is rejected if it was to go ahead? These are some of the questions that need to be asked along with a few more I’m sure. We've recently gone to a Transplant Information Programme meeting which will gave us the opportunity to meet other people who have done the same. We had already done the one on the different types of dialysis, and I was glad there were a few more people this time who are more our age who have experienced some of the same things as we have and are. While it is nice to discuss things with Mr Jones and Mrs Smith, shall we say, who are in their 70’s, you do feel more out of water than maybe you should.
As an aside if the transplant were to go ahead, my wife and I have joked that at last at least one piece of me will be all woman! If it transpires I have both a sparkly and a plain kidney I get to keep the sparkly one too! If anything will help to make a transplant a success this has to be up there surely?
Getting a work-life balance at the moment is looking slightly strained. Things are starting to look very tight money-wise with us becoming more reliant on my, what was the second, wage in the family. Even with cuts to our budget we may not have enough. I’m loathed to take a weekend job as that would in effect lessen my time at home when it is needed more. A temporary one perhaps, if needs must, as and when. I’ll take a look at some agency work and see what’s available perhaps. In work, things continue to work towards change. Still waiting to see what that entails and if that creates added workload & pressure. My colleague of 4 years has left leaving me with some new people to mould etc on my own. While I will miss her I’m also quite enjoying the challenge as it is a change to the usual mundane things that have been part of my job of late. Work however has been quite accommodating of what is going on at home which is good. I just need to make sure these newbies are supported while I’m out of the office and aren’t too strained by all this either.
Well that's it for now. I'll try and be a bit better at updating this blog this year.
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Advent Calnedar 7 & 8
Reasons to be Tearful #1
Saw a version of "Harry's Christmas" by Steven Berkoff yesterday. For anyone who has experienced depression in any form it will hit a nerve. Found myself wiping a tear away more than once. Maybe not recommended to go and see if you are currently experiencing the Dark Teatime of the Soul perhaps.
Reasons to be Tearful #2
More visits to the hospital with my wife today. Things still are uncertain as to timescales will have wait perhaps a few more months. Heard a new terminology today "Pre-emptive surgery" That brought images of a Stormin' Norman kind of consultant in surgery etc showing videos afterwards of a clinical operation etc etc. Next year will be an interesting one on this score as well I think. Will have to make some personal choices in this respect which are at the end of the day no-brainers. Hopefully things will be positive and compatible. There are few other options if things were to worsen apart from maintaining the status quo until something does come along. Have to think about my son as well and that he is supported through all this. He knows a little at the moment but possibly doesn't understand the full complications. Glad I sought some help personally before this particular ball started rolling.
Saw a version of "Harry's Christmas" by Steven Berkoff yesterday. For anyone who has experienced depression in any form it will hit a nerve. Found myself wiping a tear away more than once. Maybe not recommended to go and see if you are currently experiencing the Dark Teatime of the Soul perhaps.
Reasons to be Tearful #2
More visits to the hospital with my wife today. Things still are uncertain as to timescales will have wait perhaps a few more months. Heard a new terminology today "Pre-emptive surgery" That brought images of a Stormin' Norman kind of consultant in surgery etc showing videos afterwards of a clinical operation etc etc. Next year will be an interesting one on this score as well I think. Will have to make some personal choices in this respect which are at the end of the day no-brainers. Hopefully things will be positive and compatible. There are few other options if things were to worsen apart from maintaining the status quo until something does come along. Have to think about my son as well and that he is supported through all this. He knows a little at the moment but possibly doesn't understand the full complications. Glad I sought some help personally before this particular ball started rolling.
Monday, 6 December 2010
Advent Calendar Triple Bill (4-6)
Alright so I'm not particularly able to keep up with this calendar thing this year! Things are busy. So much so, that rare opportunities are being turned down as I cannot be in more than one place at any one time. Still I've got to try and salvage what I can. Create some positives from these so I can build on them in the future. I have a feeling next year is going to be an unusual one with some changes ahead. Doing more of what I would like to do hopefully. Some hard work and juggling required. Let's see.
Theatre wise it was great to see how the stage is coming together and how the lighting we're working on makes just the right atmosphere. Looking forward to seeing the play too this week. Then it's some more hard work working behind the scenes for the play the next week. Maybe not so interesting as it mostly involves sitting in the back listening for cues so I can press buttons. Probably quiet cold as well as its not somewhere you'd expect to find heating. An unusual and rare piece though. I might say more about it closer to the time.
The dreaded 18month- 2yearly change in work has been proposed. It is looking interesting however. I can only work with bosses etc to develop it. Hopefully there will be a job at the end of it as well as the opportunity to develop things. The next few months things look interesting as I have said and this is one of the areas where it will be. Things will be more certain in the Spring.
Theatre wise it was great to see how the stage is coming together and how the lighting we're working on makes just the right atmosphere. Looking forward to seeing the play too this week. Then it's some more hard work working behind the scenes for the play the next week. Maybe not so interesting as it mostly involves sitting in the back listening for cues so I can press buttons. Probably quiet cold as well as its not somewhere you'd expect to find heating. An unusual and rare piece though. I might say more about it closer to the time.
The dreaded 18month- 2yearly change in work has been proposed. It is looking interesting however. I can only work with bosses etc to develop it. Hopefully there will be a job at the end of it as well as the opportunity to develop things. The next few months things look interesting as I have said and this is one of the areas where it will be. Things will be more certain in the Spring.
Friday, 3 December 2010
Advent calendar 3
Back on course... Window three on day three.. Yay!
Managed to make it in to work the past few days. At the train station this morning things seemed a tad confusing. No train till 10.30! Other trains moved across to another platform! Station staff telling you to ignore the signs! Oh dear oh dear..! Train came in five minutes after I arrived, not packed and a pleasant journey. Work finished early due to ICT switching off everything early for planned work which they only chose to tell us about half an hour before. Who cares? It was an nice surprise to a slightly longer weekend ahead.
I am however getting miffed with not getting any luck with a few auditions recently. I could go on about how it seemed that the directors had all the parts allocated before the auditions. Jokingly placing bets on who would get them before and getting a lot right. One director even looked miffed that someone she didn't know had turned up to audition. Now I've had the last indignity. Not even getting a part in the New Writing week. Which was bigged up as an ideal opportunity for everyone. Lawd I'm sounding like a disgruntled drama queen. Truth is I'm probably rubbish. I've allowed a lot of what has gone on this past year knock my confidence and it shows when I audition. I'm no spring chicken and this theatre prefers younger actors. And to top it all my long hair et al would also probably make it difficult to cast me. I'm helping out behind the scenes more but not sure I'll keep it up here at least. No one else really wants to do it and those that have end up doing this month in and month out. Yay what fun! I do enjoy all of this but the constant rejection at the moment and the pointless politics does all make it rather feel like a waste of time. Maybe worthwhile seeing what other theatres are doing. Getting a bit tired of being surrounded by self centred youngsters. Bah humbug!
Managed to make it in to work the past few days. At the train station this morning things seemed a tad confusing. No train till 10.30! Other trains moved across to another platform! Station staff telling you to ignore the signs! Oh dear oh dear..! Train came in five minutes after I arrived, not packed and a pleasant journey. Work finished early due to ICT switching off everything early for planned work which they only chose to tell us about half an hour before. Who cares? It was an nice surprise to a slightly longer weekend ahead.
I am however getting miffed with not getting any luck with a few auditions recently. I could go on about how it seemed that the directors had all the parts allocated before the auditions. Jokingly placing bets on who would get them before and getting a lot right. One director even looked miffed that someone she didn't know had turned up to audition. Now I've had the last indignity. Not even getting a part in the New Writing week. Which was bigged up as an ideal opportunity for everyone. Lawd I'm sounding like a disgruntled drama queen. Truth is I'm probably rubbish. I've allowed a lot of what has gone on this past year knock my confidence and it shows when I audition. I'm no spring chicken and this theatre prefers younger actors. And to top it all my long hair et al would also probably make it difficult to cast me. I'm helping out behind the scenes more but not sure I'll keep it up here at least. No one else really wants to do it and those that have end up doing this month in and month out. Yay what fun! I do enjoy all of this but the constant rejection at the moment and the pointless politics does all make it rather feel like a waste of time. Maybe worthwhile seeing what other theatres are doing. Getting a bit tired of being surrounded by self centred youngsters. Bah humbug!
Advent Calendar 2
What was I going to say in this window? Really not so sure. A day of quietly standing up for myself, taking the brunt and chart a course on to calmer waters. The proposed changes to work have finally been made. On the whole it is looking positive for me and my team... I hope anyway. A bit of work and con flab all round lies ahead then if my post remains as it is then that will be that for 12-18 months till the next time. If not it wont be so ideal. But that will be another challenge if it comes along.
At home keeping on with doing something despite the difficulties, (and no I'm not talking about the femme side to me). Holding on to something for me. Need that for what may be ahead, what is already happening in part. I know I'm needed but I also need. Recharge of battery time. without that I'm not much good to anyone.
At home keeping on with doing something despite the difficulties, (and no I'm not talking about the femme side to me). Holding on to something for me. Need that for what may be ahead, what is already happening in part. I know I'm needed but I also need. Recharge of battery time. without that I'm not much good to anyone.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Advent Calendar 1
Has it been a year already? OK Lets see if I can do this once a day again... Not a good start mind being a day late already! Oops!
Yesterday whilst returning to work from getting some lunch I was strongly regretting taking the shortcut along the Thames facing the bitterly cold winds head on, made worse by it coming off the river itself. Then I noticed a group of bedraggled tourists partaking of the Ducktour experience. For those of you who don't know what that is it is a tour of London's landmarks etc which culminates with the vehicle you are in (an old WWII DUC amphibious vehicle) driving into the Thames for a view of London that way as well. So upon looking at their rather quiet faces I came upon a realisation. Sometimes when you think you are experiencing the worst there is always some poor soul who has better reason to think it than yourself.
Sunday, 7 November 2010
A Question of Comfort
This might sound odd to some, but I am quite happy with having found some women's jeans which are comfortable enough that I can wear them whether I am in male or female mode. They are just comfy to wear, nothing else... Bliss! My wardrobe has over time increased with such items and reflect who I am everyday.
I am growing more confident again, all round, possibly more so in some areas. Still a way to go perhaps. Let's see as life continues to throw what it can at me. I am however less reticent to deny or hide who I am in some situations. There are other more important things that need my attention. Those things need me complete and in balance to deal with them honestly and with my full cognition.
So it is I have found myself more out there. Not necessarily shouting from the rooftops "Yoohoo! Hiya! Look over here!" More just getting on with stuff and accepting what comes my way.
Like the young shop assistants giggling as I hold a skirt against me to gauge if it would fit, (alright I was in male mode... granted!) and finding myself just recognising what they were doing and smiling back confidently. The more experienced shop assistant who served me after was of course much more customer focused and undoubtedly had seen this kind of thing a few times before. With a bit of luck the younger two will eventually get to the same point in their lives.
Like having the confidence to order a pair of glasses for both sides to me as part of a two for one offer...
"I can't let you go out like that!" Exclaims the confident mature sales assistant.
"Why not?" I ask
"They're too feminine!" She retorts.
"That's not a problem for me." I reply calmly. To which she was quite happy and replied that she felt she had to point it out just in case.
I have no idea if this new found confidence is as a result of talking through things. To be honest this femme side to me is not much discussed as it would take a heck of a lot more than CBT to handle. That would be for the future elsewhere if I so choose. I just feel able to handle things a bit more and life has continued to bowl its googlies, as it does. A colleague in work who has done so much in the field of mental illness sadly died unexpectedly in hospital. My wife's prognosis is a little more serious now, sooner than expected and leaving some important decisions to be made over the next year or so for both of us and our son. I am curious at how easy it can be to consider putting yourself at risk in order to try and help someone you care for. A bit matter of fact in fact. Don't figure?! Perhaps other things are becoming less important in the scheme of things? But I am certain that a more balanced and more honest me is going to be the one to get through all this.
I am growing more confident again, all round, possibly more so in some areas. Still a way to go perhaps. Let's see as life continues to throw what it can at me. I am however less reticent to deny or hide who I am in some situations. There are other more important things that need my attention. Those things need me complete and in balance to deal with them honestly and with my full cognition.
So it is I have found myself more out there. Not necessarily shouting from the rooftops "Yoohoo! Hiya! Look over here!" More just getting on with stuff and accepting what comes my way.
Like the young shop assistants giggling as I hold a skirt against me to gauge if it would fit, (alright I was in male mode... granted!) and finding myself just recognising what they were doing and smiling back confidently. The more experienced shop assistant who served me after was of course much more customer focused and undoubtedly had seen this kind of thing a few times before. With a bit of luck the younger two will eventually get to the same point in their lives.
Like having the confidence to order a pair of glasses for both sides to me as part of a two for one offer...
"I can't let you go out like that!" Exclaims the confident mature sales assistant.
"Why not?" I ask
"They're too feminine!" She retorts.
"That's not a problem for me." I reply calmly. To which she was quite happy and replied that she felt she had to point it out just in case.
I have no idea if this new found confidence is as a result of talking through things. To be honest this femme side to me is not much discussed as it would take a heck of a lot more than CBT to handle. That would be for the future elsewhere if I so choose. I just feel able to handle things a bit more and life has continued to bowl its googlies, as it does. A colleague in work who has done so much in the field of mental illness sadly died unexpectedly in hospital. My wife's prognosis is a little more serious now, sooner than expected and leaving some important decisions to be made over the next year or so for both of us and our son. I am curious at how easy it can be to consider putting yourself at risk in order to try and help someone you care for. A bit matter of fact in fact. Don't figure?! Perhaps other things are becoming less important in the scheme of things? But I am certain that a more balanced and more honest me is going to be the one to get through all this.
Friday, 15 October 2010
Taking Stock
The talking therapy has started a little earlier than expected. All for the better I suppose. I have had my first proper session this week. As is the way, things have to get a tad more intense before they get better. I’m finding myself getting tearful at the most inappropriate moments, though I have so far managed to hold back the floodgates. They will open at some point, I’m sure of that. Many of the negative feelings are coming to the fore as I highlight them through the week. This is going to be a positive experience in the long run and knowing that is making it a little easier, here, in the present. I’m also starting to notice the smaller things, providing a little hope, possibly because I am going through this now. Again forgive me for not going into detail, what is for me something that is intensely personal. Just thought I’d keep you up to date on what is happening. I’m fine.
Monday, 20 September 2010
This is Ground Control...
...come in number 5 your time is up!
Six weeks is nearly up and I'm arranging to go back to work on a phased return which means increasing my hours each week until I'm back up to full time in about a month. I wont go into much detail about what I've been through while off work as that is private to me. I will say that my timing could have been better. Not having much time to myself, with the Summer holidays and all, but still it couldn't be helped. Still haven't started the talking therapy either, though I'm told this should start in about six weeks now. Hence my reasons for wanting to get back to work. Being off any longer would be detrimental I feel both to me and work. As is the way I never quite got the things I had planned to do out of the way either. Hey Ho!
A question of faith
I am to all intent and purpose a lapsed catholic. Have been for some years. As you can imagine trying to reconcile being me and attending a church which doesn't like to encourage that kind of thing has created some issues for me. I wasn't too bothered about Pope Benny coming across and selling his wares, so to speak. It wasn't of interest. I have my own faith and belief that I am still a Christian and will try and live my life that way irrespective of whether I go to church. I also felt that people had the right to protest for those issues they felt let down by the Catholic church. However over the time his nibs was over here I was really taken aback by some of the things said. Sometimes with little research or basis in fact, more word of mouth. Don't get me wrong some issues were eloquently and rightly put across in a balanced and proactive way. Others less so. It even seemed that the BBC in their efforts to get a balanced view were at times shooting themselves in the foot. You could sometimes see interviewers squirming out of embarrassment, that they were involved with airing some of the views for this same reason. The result for me was to feel consciously that maybe I should be sticking up for, if not for the church, but the communities of people I know make it up. Those who would probably have no problem with who I am but have been tarred with the same brush. Those who will make the difference in the longer term. What I think I'm trying to say is I am a lapsed Catholic, but it was/is still part of my history and in a sense my community. By all means put the arguments and protests forward in a proper way, but if you think just shouting loudest wins the contest either way, don't be surprised if people like me switch off.
"People are strange, when you're a stranger..."
To quote the Doors, probably badly. I have noticed recently, as my looks become slightly blurred, with the long dyed hair and plucked eyebrows, that I am getting more and more strange looks. Not that much of a problem for me but an observation. Also getting madamed a bit more in shops. The best being in a shoe shop with my wife and the assistant asking if you girls need any help? Something we laughed about afterwards.
Following My Conscience
OK I admit to being slightly intrigued by recent happenings/speeches/goings on and wonder if I should be listening to my conscience more? Trying to be out there doing stuff proactively TG wise is all well and good but not much use if I'm hiding who I am in my every day world. I don't mean by being out there in people's faces. More by being honest if someone asks. Stating who I am in a quiet way. Possibly that will have a greater effect. Making it more real out there, all round. A thought to think about anyway.
Six weeks is nearly up and I'm arranging to go back to work on a phased return which means increasing my hours each week until I'm back up to full time in about a month. I wont go into much detail about what I've been through while off work as that is private to me. I will say that my timing could have been better. Not having much time to myself, with the Summer holidays and all, but still it couldn't be helped. Still haven't started the talking therapy either, though I'm told this should start in about six weeks now. Hence my reasons for wanting to get back to work. Being off any longer would be detrimental I feel both to me and work. As is the way I never quite got the things I had planned to do out of the way either. Hey Ho!
A question of faith
I am to all intent and purpose a lapsed catholic. Have been for some years. As you can imagine trying to reconcile being me and attending a church which doesn't like to encourage that kind of thing has created some issues for me. I wasn't too bothered about Pope Benny coming across and selling his wares, so to speak. It wasn't of interest. I have my own faith and belief that I am still a Christian and will try and live my life that way irrespective of whether I go to church. I also felt that people had the right to protest for those issues they felt let down by the Catholic church. However over the time his nibs was over here I was really taken aback by some of the things said. Sometimes with little research or basis in fact, more word of mouth. Don't get me wrong some issues were eloquently and rightly put across in a balanced and proactive way. Others less so. It even seemed that the BBC in their efforts to get a balanced view were at times shooting themselves in the foot. You could sometimes see interviewers squirming out of embarrassment, that they were involved with airing some of the views for this same reason. The result for me was to feel consciously that maybe I should be sticking up for, if not for the church, but the communities of people I know make it up. Those who would probably have no problem with who I am but have been tarred with the same brush. Those who will make the difference in the longer term. What I think I'm trying to say is I am a lapsed Catholic, but it was/is still part of my history and in a sense my community. By all means put the arguments and protests forward in a proper way, but if you think just shouting loudest wins the contest either way, don't be surprised if people like me switch off.
"People are strange, when you're a stranger..."
To quote the Doors, probably badly. I have noticed recently, as my looks become slightly blurred, with the long dyed hair and plucked eyebrows, that I am getting more and more strange looks. Not that much of a problem for me but an observation. Also getting madamed a bit more in shops. The best being in a shoe shop with my wife and the assistant asking if you girls need any help? Something we laughed about afterwards.
Following My Conscience
OK I admit to being slightly intrigued by recent happenings/speeches/goings on and wonder if I should be listening to my conscience more? Trying to be out there doing stuff proactively TG wise is all well and good but not much use if I'm hiding who I am in my every day world. I don't mean by being out there in people's faces. More by being honest if someone asks. Stating who I am in a quiet way. Possibly that will have a greater effect. Making it more real out there, all round. A thought to think about anyway.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Time To Myself
Of sorts. Last week I decided I needed help. Things had been ticking over but not progressing. Life was getting to me slowly and affecting almost everything I did both at home and at work. Things were coming to a head work wise. Trying to run a service on the minimum resources necessary, putting myself and other things last to ensure the service ran well enough in the circumstances was taking its toll. Not in an instant, large, major way, but over the last three years, in minor ways. So minor they don't really register at the time but put them together over time and they have a big effect. Add to this all that has gone on at home over the years and I decided it was time to ask for help.
So I met with my manager and it was decided that I needed to take some time out and seek help. I work for a mental health charity so it was easier to talk about this and identify what I needed to do. The next day the GP signed me off for six weeks and I'm referring myself for some talking treatment, (Psychological Therapy or CBT if you prefer). That will take longer than the six weeks I'm off but it's a start. Work will check in once a week and I have contact with my manager if I need to. I am worried what will happen when I go back. Given the nature of the organisation, they will do what they can to see if any changes can be made to my working pattern etc, which has helped others I work with, but I am wary that the requirements of my particular post might not allow for as flexible an approach. I am worried that there may not be a job when I get back and the effects this and the time off will have on any future attempts to find work. Who'd have thought taking such positive action will in turn add to my concerns? To carry on as normal would have been worse I know in the long term.
Strangely I don't feel overly depressed. I recognise having had mild depression over a long period of time, years, possibly most of my adult life. That is the crux. Short term mild depression is more easily handled. Long term it eats away at you. I had coping mechanisms that just stopped working over the last year and a half. I need to discuss things and find new ones. Out of all this, one thing I said to my manager was being Transgender didn't seem to be one of the issues that scored highly as one of the current causes. Just goes to show that life carries on and affects everyone irrespective of who we are. My intentions over the next few weeks are to utilise them positively. Lots of things are crying out to be done around the house. A chance to spend some family time together. Time too to concentrate on some 'me' time. Here's to the unknown. Sometimes we have to take a step into the darkness to get to where we want to go.
So I met with my manager and it was decided that I needed to take some time out and seek help. I work for a mental health charity so it was easier to talk about this and identify what I needed to do. The next day the GP signed me off for six weeks and I'm referring myself for some talking treatment, (Psychological Therapy or CBT if you prefer). That will take longer than the six weeks I'm off but it's a start. Work will check in once a week and I have contact with my manager if I need to. I am worried what will happen when I go back. Given the nature of the organisation, they will do what they can to see if any changes can be made to my working pattern etc, which has helped others I work with, but I am wary that the requirements of my particular post might not allow for as flexible an approach. I am worried that there may not be a job when I get back and the effects this and the time off will have on any future attempts to find work. Who'd have thought taking such positive action will in turn add to my concerns? To carry on as normal would have been worse I know in the long term.
Strangely I don't feel overly depressed. I recognise having had mild depression over a long period of time, years, possibly most of my adult life. That is the crux. Short term mild depression is more easily handled. Long term it eats away at you. I had coping mechanisms that just stopped working over the last year and a half. I need to discuss things and find new ones. Out of all this, one thing I said to my manager was being Transgender didn't seem to be one of the issues that scored highly as one of the current causes. Just goes to show that life carries on and affects everyone irrespective of who we are. My intentions over the next few weeks are to utilise them positively. Lots of things are crying out to be done around the house. A chance to spend some family time together. Time too to concentrate on some 'me' time. Here's to the unknown. Sometimes we have to take a step into the darkness to get to where we want to go.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Where do I fit in?
Not an unusual feeling for someone who is T I would imagine? Not something to feel guilty about, though should I feel guilty for stating it publicly here in my blog? A lifelong question. Is it unique to people like myself or a more general question asked by the rest of humankind? Needless to say it's a question I'm asking at the moment.
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