Sometimes you have to ask yourself whether it is better to do all that you can, irrespective of what may be right and honest, to ensure your child gets the best possible chance in life. For me the answer has to be no. It is far better to know you have tried your best, to be where you are. People will scoff and say that to say that would be doing my child a disservice that they will not know how to handle themselves in the cut and thrust of this modern world. Far from it they will instead know how to pick up the pieces left behind and help those who fall from from those lofty heights in which they so precariously place themselves.
On the flipside I know that I am not being honest about who I am because I don't want to mess up my child's development and own identity exploration. For me he is too vulnerable and I wouldn't want him to suffer for me, if that makes sense? My choice but others cannot hide this side and have to be honest saying it will make their children stronger and their relationship with them.
Don't you just love a conflicting parenting style?
About Me
- Grace
- Living life somewhere along the transgender scale. Found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. Still get confused sometimes. Who wouldn't?
Monday, 7 December 2009
Sunday, 6 December 2009
Advent Calendar 6
Sometimes spending a long day, doing something that may be entirely mind numbing, yet totally different to your usual routine, can be so, so refreshing. Today was one of those days for me. Nothing to do with the T-girl side to me, but a lot of fun all the same.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Advent Calendar 5
How difficult is it?
To hide your transness? I mean tonight I go out to a bit of a do. The theme is to turn up as a favourite pantomime, nativity or Christmas character. So I opt for a pantomime dame. I go, I think for an over the top character, clashingly bad makeup etc, rose bud lips, sparkly pink eyeshadow etc etc, balloons for boobs. All I get all night is how people found it difficult to not see me as an natural woman. What do you say to that except say you take it as a compliment. Perhaps if I try to pass naturally I will?
To hide your transness? I mean tonight I go out to a bit of a do. The theme is to turn up as a favourite pantomime, nativity or Christmas character. So I opt for a pantomime dame. I go, I think for an over the top character, clashingly bad makeup etc, rose bud lips, sparkly pink eyeshadow etc etc, balloons for boobs. All I get all night is how people found it difficult to not see me as an natural woman. What do you say to that except say you take it as a compliment. Perhaps if I try to pass naturally I will?
Friday, 4 December 2009
Advent Calendar 4
'Trans'indental Thinking
Not about going to the dentist en femme. More that sometimes being Transgendered can lead you to a higher way of thinking possibly. Yes I may think about clothes etc and I doubt few people who are don't spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about why they are like they are. For some the breakthrough comes when they stop worrying about it and I have to admit I feel like that myself and found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. But that is not my point today. Instead with all this time spent in deep thought, meditation say, over so many years are we occasionally open to a higher level of thinking or consciousness? OK feminine thought is just that I suppose but not what I am getting at. The other day walking to the train station in the obligatory male mode, to get to work I suddenly felt a inner strength and confidence. I felt as if I was walking along wearing a flowing dress etc. This was not wishful thinking but a full on state of mind for me, another level. This doesn't happen a lot to me, it isn't scary, nor does it I feel suggest something more deep seated. It is though a source of strength and I found myself subconsciously saying "Oh!" out loud. Probably a bit too much Richard Bach like perhaps?
Not about going to the dentist en femme. More that sometimes being Transgendered can lead you to a higher way of thinking possibly. Yes I may think about clothes etc and I doubt few people who are don't spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about why they are like they are. For some the breakthrough comes when they stop worrying about it and I have to admit I feel like that myself and found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. But that is not my point today. Instead with all this time spent in deep thought, meditation say, over so many years are we occasionally open to a higher level of thinking or consciousness? OK feminine thought is just that I suppose but not what I am getting at. The other day walking to the train station in the obligatory male mode, to get to work I suddenly felt a inner strength and confidence. I felt as if I was walking along wearing a flowing dress etc. This was not wishful thinking but a full on state of mind for me, another level. This doesn't happen a lot to me, it isn't scary, nor does it I feel suggest something more deep seated. It is though a source of strength and I found myself subconsciously saying "Oh!" out loud. Probably a bit too much Richard Bach like perhaps?
Advent Calendar 3
Sometimes you end up putting off till tomorrow what you could have done today but for that tempting glass of wine.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Advent Calendar 2
Opening the Second Window
I spent many years holding myself back from doing things because of who I am. Things unrelated to being transgender. Now sometimes these things can conflict with being so and may require me to put plans on hold temporarily. Whereas in the past I may have felt denied, now I realise I have made my own personal lifestyle choice which is unique to me and how I want to live my life. These require certain responsibilities. For me comfort with who I am involves encompassing the whole, rather than concentrating on just part. At the moment I am lucky enough to experience a lot of things going on. The majority are positive and I am glad to get these opportunities after what appeared to be such a long time just simply exisiting.
I spent many years holding myself back from doing things because of who I am. Things unrelated to being transgender. Now sometimes these things can conflict with being so and may require me to put plans on hold temporarily. Whereas in the past I may have felt denied, now I realise I have made my own personal lifestyle choice which is unique to me and how I want to live my life. These require certain responsibilities. For me comfort with who I am involves encompassing the whole, rather than concentrating on just part. At the moment I am lucky enough to experience a lot of things going on. The majority are positive and I am glad to get these opportunities after what appeared to be such a long time just simply exisiting.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Advent Calendar 1
Not sure how this is going to work out but I'm going to try and post something every day in the run up to Christmas. One observation or feeling from the day.
Opening the First Window.
Today that we as transgendered people are not alone in experiencing stigma both from the outside world or from our loved ones. Certain issues may be unique but that shouldn't stop us from empathising with others and offering our support. We may even be able to get together and fight for a larger cause that in itself will benefit each person uniquely. Support should be a two way thing.
Opening the First Window.
Today that we as transgendered people are not alone in experiencing stigma both from the outside world or from our loved ones. Certain issues may be unique but that shouldn't stop us from empathising with others and offering our support. We may even be able to get together and fight for a larger cause that in itself will benefit each person uniquely. Support should be a two way thing.
Sunday, 22 November 2009
Best Laid Plans
The Joys of London Public Transport on a Weekend
I had decided to attend the TG remembrance event in London yesterday and planned my route(s) ahead of time. Note the plural, it's not a typo, London Transport on the weekends at the moment can be a test of mental and physical endurance. This is before unforeseen circumstances such as emergency engineering etc are even taken into account.
So I first go to a bus stop near home which provides an opportunity for several different buses to several viable stations where I would have to change. First thing I notice is the traffic, almost stationery and many many people stood looking cold and forlorn at the bus stop. So I stand for a while with them trying to gauge the problem. England were playing at Twickenham some miles away. Trains were not going all the way, so people it seemed were opting to go by road. This was exacerbated because the South Circular is closed westbound so all traffic coming this way has to meet up with traffic coming in from the south on in it seems the road where I am going to catch my bus. After a while I decide to walk down the road to try other more viable options. On the way down I notice a bus coming down so I opt to wait at the next bus stop to see if I can get on. It doesn't even stop, despite people waving their arms etc or that there is plenty of spaces. this used to be a problem with this certain bus before when drivers, in order to keep on time would opt not to stop, even though the next bus may be some time behind and might inevitably do the same. Something that had been sorted but now seems to be creeping back. Decide to keep walking, scratching one possible route now off my list.
I get to a train station check the times and see a train going to Waterloo in five minutes. This usually is a quick route during the week, with delays occurring to trains arriving, because of a bridge needing emergency repairs, but the train was now coming in, so I opt to let the train take the strain. No problems until we leave Clapham Junction when the train stops. The reason why is a little unclear as the guard chooses to break the long silence just as a train goes past so we couldn't hear him. All we know is several other trains heading for the same destination are whizzing past. Eventually we move off and I think I may still be able to make it, albeit a little late. I opt to go to Waterloo as the Victoria Line has had problems recently on weekends, leaving the Northern Line, (yeah I know... Uh ohhh!).
So when I get to the Northern Line I just miss a train. I'm not blaming the lady at the gates who decides to get into conversation with the staff causing a bottleneck, but... The noticeboard is blank which is ominous so I wait... Five minutes later the next rain comes up as 15 minutes away which to all intent and purposes writes off my getting to my destination at all. So I reluctantly head home...
Sliding Doors
So the day didn't turn out as it should have. Nothing at all like I had hoped but something did stick in my mind. It's been a while since I've blogged. Not much has changed. Still deciding on whether to come out to my colleague at work, or not. Still growing my hair and had my hair coloured by my stylist. Next time I'm going darker and the style is very interchangeable between male and female mode. Not that I've been open about my transness, but I think she must have an inkling. I have been plucking my eyebrows slightly, (only just), to the point where they can be on the cusp of male or female so I don't have to have fringe now which suits me better I think. My rambles may seem unconnected but bear with me. In work as I relax a bit with who I am and bring balance of how I come across, another colleague has begun commenting how nice it is to see a man in touch with his feminine side, to which I joke "yes but the heels are killing me!". So now you get where I'm coming from I hope?
So the pluses of the day? Despite not even getting there? As you may know I opt not to go out in public en femme because I don't feel the need etc. But as you can see the balance of how I present is blending to represent the whole me. So I'm in male mode but wearing a ladies black long sleeve t-shirt which is barely different from the male version except for an ever so slightly deeper round neckline and a pair of dark purple stud earrings, which again can be pretty good male wise. Everything else is definitely male. Whether because of the frame of mind I was in and therefore projecting as such I encountered a few distinct moments shall we say. Walking down the road I passed two girls, on saying to the other whilst looking at me "Is that a man or a woman?" To which the other replied, "Does it matter? I'm not bothered." So I walk on a little stronger. I'm getting several looks throughout my journey. At the tube station one man made a point of just standing and staring for a long time. I stood my ground it didn't occur to me to feel I should move away. Then coming home two more girls had pointed me out from an opposite escalator and were discussing something looking themselves uncomfortable. So I give them a Paddington Bear stare of sorts... So the plus? It was obvious for whatever reason that my t-ness was coming across. This was causing some people to look at me and comment. Given the reason for my travels it seemed apt that I should experience something of public reaction, however small. They and myself will have experienced something new and as such hopefully learnt something positive or at least tolerance in a very small way. Maybe I'm kidding myself..? Maybe I'm not?
I had decided to attend the TG remembrance event in London yesterday and planned my route(s) ahead of time. Note the plural, it's not a typo, London Transport on the weekends at the moment can be a test of mental and physical endurance. This is before unforeseen circumstances such as emergency engineering etc are even taken into account.
So I first go to a bus stop near home which provides an opportunity for several different buses to several viable stations where I would have to change. First thing I notice is the traffic, almost stationery and many many people stood looking cold and forlorn at the bus stop. So I stand for a while with them trying to gauge the problem. England were playing at Twickenham some miles away. Trains were not going all the way, so people it seemed were opting to go by road. This was exacerbated because the South Circular is closed westbound so all traffic coming this way has to meet up with traffic coming in from the south on in it seems the road where I am going to catch my bus. After a while I decide to walk down the road to try other more viable options. On the way down I notice a bus coming down so I opt to wait at the next bus stop to see if I can get on. It doesn't even stop, despite people waving their arms etc or that there is plenty of spaces. this used to be a problem with this certain bus before when drivers, in order to keep on time would opt not to stop, even though the next bus may be some time behind and might inevitably do the same. Something that had been sorted but now seems to be creeping back. Decide to keep walking, scratching one possible route now off my list.
I get to a train station check the times and see a train going to Waterloo in five minutes. This usually is a quick route during the week, with delays occurring to trains arriving, because of a bridge needing emergency repairs, but the train was now coming in, so I opt to let the train take the strain. No problems until we leave Clapham Junction when the train stops. The reason why is a little unclear as the guard chooses to break the long silence just as a train goes past so we couldn't hear him. All we know is several other trains heading for the same destination are whizzing past. Eventually we move off and I think I may still be able to make it, albeit a little late. I opt to go to Waterloo as the Victoria Line has had problems recently on weekends, leaving the Northern Line, (yeah I know... Uh ohhh!).
So when I get to the Northern Line I just miss a train. I'm not blaming the lady at the gates who decides to get into conversation with the staff causing a bottleneck, but... The noticeboard is blank which is ominous so I wait... Five minutes later the next rain comes up as 15 minutes away which to all intent and purposes writes off my getting to my destination at all. So I reluctantly head home...
Sliding Doors
So the day didn't turn out as it should have. Nothing at all like I had hoped but something did stick in my mind. It's been a while since I've blogged. Not much has changed. Still deciding on whether to come out to my colleague at work, or not. Still growing my hair and had my hair coloured by my stylist. Next time I'm going darker and the style is very interchangeable between male and female mode. Not that I've been open about my transness, but I think she must have an inkling. I have been plucking my eyebrows slightly, (only just), to the point where they can be on the cusp of male or female so I don't have to have fringe now which suits me better I think. My rambles may seem unconnected but bear with me. In work as I relax a bit with who I am and bring balance of how I come across, another colleague has begun commenting how nice it is to see a man in touch with his feminine side, to which I joke "yes but the heels are killing me!". So now you get where I'm coming from I hope?
So the pluses of the day? Despite not even getting there? As you may know I opt not to go out in public en femme because I don't feel the need etc. But as you can see the balance of how I present is blending to represent the whole me. So I'm in male mode but wearing a ladies black long sleeve t-shirt which is barely different from the male version except for an ever so slightly deeper round neckline and a pair of dark purple stud earrings, which again can be pretty good male wise. Everything else is definitely male. Whether because of the frame of mind I was in and therefore projecting as such I encountered a few distinct moments shall we say. Walking down the road I passed two girls, on saying to the other whilst looking at me "Is that a man or a woman?" To which the other replied, "Does it matter? I'm not bothered." So I walk on a little stronger. I'm getting several looks throughout my journey. At the tube station one man made a point of just standing and staring for a long time. I stood my ground it didn't occur to me to feel I should move away. Then coming home two more girls had pointed me out from an opposite escalator and were discussing something looking themselves uncomfortable. So I give them a Paddington Bear stare of sorts... So the plus? It was obvious for whatever reason that my t-ness was coming across. This was causing some people to look at me and comment. Given the reason for my travels it seemed apt that I should experience something of public reaction, however small. They and myself will have experienced something new and as such hopefully learnt something positive or at least tolerance in a very small way. Maybe I'm kidding myself..? Maybe I'm not?
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Hmmmmmm?
Has this blog really received 11,300 hits since this morning? I very much doubt it! Something isn't right. I'm not that interesting. Or have I missed my 15 minutes of fame when I wasn't looking?
I'll add I haven't been twiddling with the figures either.
I'll add I haven't been twiddling with the figures either.
Saturday, 22 August 2009
The day after the last
Decided to go en femme again and see if I could do a better job, given what I had to work with. Dyed my hair that morning, with few or no comments in work. Not an all over colouring, it is semi permanent golden brown and fits in rather well I feel. I know I said I feel happier with grey hair, but a girl has the right to change her mind occassionally and I had to try to see what it would look like.Any how, back to last night I was much happier with the look. I note though I'm putting on a bit of weight so will have to watch that.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Succumbing
I did and I have spent the entire evening en femme. It has been so long that my make up wasn't that brilliant, especially given the heat as well. Spent some time in the garden when it got darker and sat sipping wine and appreciating the cooler air. Now it all has to come off and maybe I'll get another chance tomorrow night.
Hair Care.
Well after my little forray into theatre land when I had to spray my hair gold, I found that my grey hair became stained as a result, giving a slight hint of blonde but more a hint of green if you looked at it in the right light. So I've been toying with dying my hair blonde. My hairdesser last week tried to put me off saying it would require bleaching etc. So I'm going to opt for a semi permanent option. This willl mean only my grey hair becoming blonde and the rest more golden brown. It should only last for a couple of weeks to a month and I fancy doing something different for a short while. I spoken to my wife who says I should just get it out of my system. I don't intend to keep it as I rather like my silver grey hair, even en femme, but it is something I have to do. I'll give it a go tomorrow.
Talking about hair a colleague commented my hair was getting as long as hers and looking the same. I discussed wanting to dye my hair and it was a nice talk about hiding the grey etc. Not quite girl to girl but the best I can hope for.
Hair Care.
Well after my little forray into theatre land when I had to spray my hair gold, I found that my grey hair became stained as a result, giving a slight hint of blonde but more a hint of green if you looked at it in the right light. So I've been toying with dying my hair blonde. My hairdesser last week tried to put me off saying it would require bleaching etc. So I'm going to opt for a semi permanent option. This willl mean only my grey hair becoming blonde and the rest more golden brown. It should only last for a couple of weeks to a month and I fancy doing something different for a short while. I spoken to my wife who says I should just get it out of my system. I don't intend to keep it as I rather like my silver grey hair, even en femme, but it is something I have to do. I'll give it a go tomorrow.
Talking about hair a colleague commented my hair was getting as long as hers and looking the same. I discussed wanting to dye my hair and it was a nice talk about hiding the grey etc. Not quite girl to girl but the best I can hope for.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Glimmers
Two things stood out for me today.
First was a post on Angels which led me to read an interview with Richard O'Brien in the Times. It provided some hope to me to see someone so well known who has experienced what many of us do, have, or are at the moment. I truly can identify with much of what he said being somewhere on the TG scale and how trying to find a balance, rather than seeing this all as something seedy and weird was what helped him. I have to admit that I have been thinking that way for over five to six years. Sometime progressing my balance within the world around me is what makes things difficult. Nice to know I'm not alone.
The second was the last song on my MP3 player playing randomly before switching off and starting work. The song was "Hold On" by Wilson Phillps. Closed my eyes at my desk and let the words fill my mind and being, miming the words full of expression and feeling. Then opening my eyes to find my colleague sitting opposite and us both laughing at my embarrassment.
Alone again tonight and still not glimpsed inside the wardrobe. Decided to shave my legs instead. A laborious task given I am quite hirsute usually and choose not to do this often given the time it takes and save it for special occasions instead. Added to this my wife prefers her cuddly hairy man. So I keep the status quo happily. I just need to now for some reason. I'll let it grow back, but will have to be sure I keep them out of sight of my son. He's young and I do enough as a grumpy Dad etc without this additional thing to mess him up.
First was a post on Angels which led me to read an interview with Richard O'Brien in the Times. It provided some hope to me to see someone so well known who has experienced what many of us do, have, or are at the moment. I truly can identify with much of what he said being somewhere on the TG scale and how trying to find a balance, rather than seeing this all as something seedy and weird was what helped him. I have to admit that I have been thinking that way for over five to six years. Sometime progressing my balance within the world around me is what makes things difficult. Nice to know I'm not alone.
The second was the last song on my MP3 player playing randomly before switching off and starting work. The song was "Hold On" by Wilson Phillps. Closed my eyes at my desk and let the words fill my mind and being, miming the words full of expression and feeling. Then opening my eyes to find my colleague sitting opposite and us both laughing at my embarrassment.
Alone again tonight and still not glimpsed inside the wardrobe. Decided to shave my legs instead. A laborious task given I am quite hirsute usually and choose not to do this often given the time it takes and save it for special occasions instead. Added to this my wife prefers her cuddly hairy man. So I keep the status quo happily. I just need to now for some reason. I'll let it grow back, but will have to be sure I keep them out of sight of my son. He's young and I do enough as a grumpy Dad etc without this additional thing to mess him up.
Monday, 17 August 2009
Alright in the box?
There are times when the feminine side to me just wont fit into the balance of life. It hints and gnaws away, yearning to be let out of the box. It ignores everything else that goes on around the rest of my life, interfering and hindering with my work, not letting me have much rest mentally. The problem, in part is not having had much chance, if at all in the past few months, to express myself in my entirety. But having said that I'm at home on my own now and I'm not raiding my wardrobe. Why? What else is going on?
I have to admit my perceived recent close calls with a work colleague and conversations with another have made me wonder... What if I came out? If only to a select few? What if I did and managed in some small way to be the complete me for a minute part of my life? I was told the other day that I was a "Gem". Why? I asked. Why do you have to say that? The reply was that I was so accepting and non judgemental. Again I asked why should that have to be? Thinking about it now perhaps I was looking for a glimmer of recognition that perhaps I have an inkling of what it is to hide from the public, afraid of breaking a social taboo, because I am TG. Not as accepting as an ordinary person might, more understanding and without saying so I am living a sham even with these colleagues.
That isn't all though is it? If you look back at my past posts you can see that I am questioning if I could put my work life and this TG side of me together. At present I don't see there being much opportunity. There seems to be so little out there and I'm at a loss at the moment as to where else to look.
Work has had its ups and downs. Every 12-24 months there is some kind of review, proof required that my job and team are worth saving. The last was this April and already I have seen hints what the next review will be about in a year or more's time.
With everything put together I'm finding it is affecting my work. I can't concentrate and I'm growing restless. In the past I would leave the TG stuff at home. Now I can't. The need to find something else work wise and to meet my current angst is getting in the way. I'm in the Doldrums yet again. This seems to be happening more. I recall feeling similarly a year ago, but it seemed less then. The results were that I drew myself into a mental ball and locked myself away from work for a few days, staying at home and nursing my bruised emotions. I realise and recognise I don't want to be a woman full-time but there are sides to me that need to come out and come together with the rest of what the outside world sees. I've taken some big steps in the past two years, but they are not enough. I want, no, need to get a balance that allows this and give something back at the same time. I've done enough helping other people and their causes. Surely I can do more when I am doing something in an area that I can identify and empathise with?
I hope I can find some resolution, however long it takes.
Enough rambling. I had to get this out of my system. It may not mean much, but getting it down at least helps in the process of sorting things out and building on this. Sorry if this has been a little boring.
I have to admit my perceived recent close calls with a work colleague and conversations with another have made me wonder... What if I came out? If only to a select few? What if I did and managed in some small way to be the complete me for a minute part of my life? I was told the other day that I was a "Gem". Why? I asked. Why do you have to say that? The reply was that I was so accepting and non judgemental. Again I asked why should that have to be? Thinking about it now perhaps I was looking for a glimmer of recognition that perhaps I have an inkling of what it is to hide from the public, afraid of breaking a social taboo, because I am TG. Not as accepting as an ordinary person might, more understanding and without saying so I am living a sham even with these colleagues.
That isn't all though is it? If you look back at my past posts you can see that I am questioning if I could put my work life and this TG side of me together. At present I don't see there being much opportunity. There seems to be so little out there and I'm at a loss at the moment as to where else to look.
Work has had its ups and downs. Every 12-24 months there is some kind of review, proof required that my job and team are worth saving. The last was this April and already I have seen hints what the next review will be about in a year or more's time.
With everything put together I'm finding it is affecting my work. I can't concentrate and I'm growing restless. In the past I would leave the TG stuff at home. Now I can't. The need to find something else work wise and to meet my current angst is getting in the way. I'm in the Doldrums yet again. This seems to be happening more. I recall feeling similarly a year ago, but it seemed less then. The results were that I drew myself into a mental ball and locked myself away from work for a few days, staying at home and nursing my bruised emotions. I realise and recognise I don't want to be a woman full-time but there are sides to me that need to come out and come together with the rest of what the outside world sees. I've taken some big steps in the past two years, but they are not enough. I want, no, need to get a balance that allows this and give something back at the same time. I've done enough helping other people and their causes. Surely I can do more when I am doing something in an area that I can identify and empathise with?
I hope I can find some resolution, however long it takes.
Enough rambling. I had to get this out of my system. It may not mean much, but getting it down at least helps in the process of sorting things out and building on this. Sorry if this has been a little boring.
Sunday, 2 August 2009
Some Things Are Strangely Relative
Went to a family do recently and got some very strange reactions. Not what I would usually expect to get, with the longish hair and amber ear studs, which happens occasionally. This was different and I didn't know how to react.
A little background I think might help to explain. My Grandfather died 34 years ago and for whatever reasons I have never met his side of the family since I was extremely young and cannot recall doing so. I was invited to attend a do by my great aunt, (his sister), via my mother. Now I know I have a likeness to my grandfather, both in looks and ways but I never knew how much until the night of the do. Through out the night I would be in conversation with people and would occasionally be confronted by "oooh!", a slightly puzzled look and a step back. I had no way to report back except to ask "what?" and feel extremely uncomfortable. I transpires I am much much more like my grandfather than I realised, so much so that I think in some freak genetic way he was haunting the proceedings through me. Quelle horreur?! His sisters and in laws seemed a little taken aback. Anyhow I'm sure we will get used to it, all round, in time.
A little background I think might help to explain. My Grandfather died 34 years ago and for whatever reasons I have never met his side of the family since I was extremely young and cannot recall doing so. I was invited to attend a do by my great aunt, (his sister), via my mother. Now I know I have a likeness to my grandfather, both in looks and ways but I never knew how much until the night of the do. Through out the night I would be in conversation with people and would occasionally be confronted by "oooh!", a slightly puzzled look and a step back. I had no way to report back except to ask "what?" and feel extremely uncomfortable. I transpires I am much much more like my grandfather than I realised, so much so that I think in some freak genetic way he was haunting the proceedings through me. Quelle horreur?! His sisters and in laws seemed a little taken aback. Anyhow I'm sure we will get used to it, all round, in time.
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