Taking Stock

The talking therapy has started a little earlier than expected. All for the better I suppose. I have had my first proper session this week. As is the way, things have to get a tad more intense before they get better. I’m finding myself getting tearful at the most inappropriate moments, though I have so far managed to hold back the floodgates. They will open at some point, I’m sure of that. Many of the negative feelings are coming to the fore as I highlight them through the week. This is going to be a positive experience in the long run and knowing that is making it a little easier, here, in the present. I’m also starting to notice the smaller things, providing a little hope, possibly because I am going through this now. Again forgive me for not going into detail, what is for me something that is intensely personal. Just thought I’d keep you up to date on what is happening. I’m fine.

This is Ground Control...

...come in number 5 your time is up!
Six weeks is nearly up and I'm arranging to go back to work on a phased return which means increasing my hours each week until I'm back up to full time in about a month. I wont go into much detail about what I've been through while off work as that is private to me. I will say that my timing could have been better. Not having much time to myself, with the Summer holidays and all, but still it couldn't be helped. Still haven't started the talking therapy either, though I'm told this should start in about six weeks now. Hence my reasons for wanting to get back to work. Being off any longer would be detrimental I feel both to me and work. As is the way I never quite got the things I had planned to do out of the way either. Hey Ho!


A question of faith
I am to all intent and purpose a lapsed catholic. Have been for some years. As you can imagine trying to reconcile being me and attending a church which doesn't like to encourage that kind of thing has created some issues for me. I wasn't too bothered about Pope Benny coming across and selling his wares, so to speak. It wasn't of interest. I have my own faith and belief that I am still a Christian and will try and live my life that way irrespective of whether I go to church. I also felt that people had the right to protest for those issues they felt let down by the Catholic church. However over the time his nibs was over here I was really taken aback by some of the things said. Sometimes with little research or basis in fact, more word of mouth. Don't get me wrong some issues were eloquently and rightly put across in a balanced and proactive way. Others less so. It even seemed that the BBC in their efforts to get a balanced view were at times shooting themselves in the foot. You could sometimes see interviewers squirming out of embarrassment, that they were involved with airing some of the views for this same reason. The result for me was to feel consciously that maybe I should be sticking up for, if not for the church, but the communities of people I know make it up. Those who would probably have no problem with who I am but have been tarred with the same brush. Those who will make the difference in the longer term. What I think I'm trying to say is I am a lapsed Catholic, but it was/is still part of my history and in a sense my community. By all means put the arguments and protests forward in a proper way, but if you think just shouting loudest wins the contest either way, don't be surprised if people like me switch off.


"People are strange, when you're a stranger..."
To quote the Doors, probably badly. I have noticed recently, as my looks become slightly blurred, with the long dyed hair and plucked eyebrows, that I am getting more and more strange looks. Not that much of a problem for me but an observation. Also getting madamed a bit more in shops. The best being in a shoe shop with my wife and the assistant asking if you girls need any help? Something we laughed about afterwards.


Following My Conscience
OK I admit to being slightly intrigued by recent happenings/speeches/goings on and wonder if I should be listening to my conscience more? Trying to be out there doing stuff proactively TG wise is all well and good but not much use if I'm hiding who I am in my every day world. I don't mean by being out there in people's faces. More by being honest if someone asks. Stating who I am in a quiet way. Possibly that will have a greater effect. Making it more real out there, all round. A thought to think about anyway.

Time To Myself

Of sorts. Last week I decided I needed help. Things had been ticking over but not progressing. Life was getting to me slowly and affecting almost everything I did both at home and at work. Things were coming to a head work wise. Trying to run a service on the minimum resources necessary, putting myself and other things last to ensure the service ran well enough in the circumstances was taking its toll. Not in an instant, large, major way, but over the last three years, in minor ways. So minor they don't really register at the time but put them together over time and they have a big effect. Add to this all that has gone on at home over the years and I decided it was time to ask for help.

So I met with my manager and it was decided that I needed to take some time out and seek help. I work for a mental health charity so it was easier to talk about this and identify what I needed to do. The next day the GP signed me off for six weeks and I'm referring myself for some talking treatment, (Psychological Therapy or CBT if you prefer). That will take longer than the six weeks I'm off but it's a start. Work will check in once a week and I have contact with my manager if I need to. I am worried what will happen when I go back. Given the nature of the organisation, they will do what they can to see if any changes can be made to my working pattern etc, which has helped others I work with, but I am wary that the requirements of my particular post might not allow for as flexible an approach. I am worried that there may not be a job when I get back and the effects this and the time off will have on any future attempts to find work. Who'd have thought taking such positive action will in turn add to my concerns? To carry on as normal would have been worse I know in the long term.

Strangely I don't feel overly depressed. I recognise having had mild depression over a long period of time, years, possibly most of my adult life. That is the crux. Short term mild depression is more easily handled. Long term it eats away at you. I had coping mechanisms that just stopped working over the last year and a half. I need to discuss things and find new ones. Out of all this, one thing I said to my manager was being Transgender didn't seem to be one of the issues that scored highly as one of the current causes. Just goes to show that life carries on and affects everyone irrespective of who we are. My intentions over the next few weeks are to utilise them positively. Lots of things are crying out to be done around the house. A chance to spend some family time together. Time too to concentrate on some 'me' time. Here's to the unknown. Sometimes we have to take a step into the darkness to get to where we want to go.

Where do I fit in?

Not an unusual feeling for someone who is T I would imagine? Not something to feel guilty about, though should I feel guilty for stating it publicly here in my blog? A lifelong question. Is it unique to people like myself or a more general question asked by the rest of humankind? Needless to say it's a question I'm asking at the moment.

I have to admit...

... to be experiencing a few ups and downs at the moment. My long pauses between blogs here reflect my inability to put much in coherently at times. I start a blog, only to come back to edit it later before publishing and find it does seem to be, (to me), some self-centred, feeling sorry for myself, drivel. So I do the usual thing of letting the unpublished blog fester unedited, superseded by newer blogs, some of which get published, some not, before relegating them to the delete button, never to be seen again, (thank heavens!).

Something ain't right.

Jumping Ahead of Myself

Went out for a meal with the girls from work the other night. They asked what conference I was attending so I told them and that it was to help the LGBT group find out more about T issues. Though I didn't mention my personal reasons, wine was flowing and the conversation was getting in depth. I realise I was coming across with a lot of information about T issues. I had thought about this before going out and decided that if I was asked then I would tell them what conference I was going to. I'm uncertain if they will ask me if I am Transgender next week or whether they will choose not to in respect of my privacy. I do however feel safer with the immediate team and department around me and that they would keep such knowledge within the boundaries of the department. Its what they do work wise anyhow. Let's see.

The Acting Bug

... did indeed bite again, but sooner than I imagined. I made the mistake of getting back on stage almost immediately after the last time. It wasn't intentional as I thought I was helping the director have someone that others auditioning could read against. In the end I was offered a part. As much as I enjoyed it I also hated it. It again took up a lot of my time, away from home when I should have been supporting my wife and son. I just wasn't able to put the time and concentration I would usually put in as my mind was elsewhere, where I should have been. My part had a lot of monologues and the character went through a lot of changes. The play was a comedy but my part was the darker side which the comedy could play against. I found I was still scrabbling for my lines at times even at the dress rehearsal. On the plus side, to play such a role was great and demanding in itself paradoxically, if you didn't have all else going on in your life. I learnt a lot. The play went down well, I didn't mess up and I'm told people saw me differently and my acting ability in a new positive light. I just think now I'm going to take some time out, (is this deja vu?). New plays are auditioning soon and they do look fun, but my wife needs some space to do something at the theatre herself.

I am however involved behind the scenes elsewhere for a show currently running. Props and scene building. Again a lot to do. I'm not getting it completely right, but learning all the time and the play is running fine. Oh the joys of retrospect, for which knowledge I lacked before. Soon it will be time to strike the stage in readiness for the next production. A blank sheet.

LGBT Work

As you may know I am involved with the LGBT group in work, which is a new venture aimed at trying to get policies and procedures etc in place to support not only staff but the people who utilise our services. I was getting involved indirectly via the Equality and Diversity director, but I soon found it was difficult, wanting to say so much through a third party and quickly. So I arranged to meet the group Chair outside the office to discuss this and my reasons for wanting to join the group. Since then I have been attending the group meetings. I'm listed on the minutes as attending etc, which I don't strangely have a problem with. But what is not listed at the moment is that I'm the Transgender Lead. This is in part because I am still slightly insecure about this, but also because other leads feel similarly. It is an all or no-one listed kind of list. Though I have to admit I'm coming round to the idea. The director I used to liaise through said she admired me for openly joining within the group. I do feel safe within it as we all respect each other.

I am at present the only T person there, hence my role within the group. I realise just how much I don't know about T issues even though I am myself. Perhaps more though than the rest of the group. It's been interesting trying to just come up with definitions etc and seeing what other people assume. I do at times manage to stop myself from sounding like the only Trans person in the village, or like that scene in the Life of Brian in the Colosseum, (sometimes it is so difficult to avoid however).

I felt had to explain to my line manager what I was doing and why. She has been marvellously accepting and thanked me for feeling able to be open to her about it. It is something which is being kept in confidence.

This is a big task for me. I'm working in a not for profit organisation so some of what I do will have implications on the services and support we offer across England. Working for such an organisation in the current financial situation, means I have to concentrate mostly on keeping the team I lead as an ongoing concern and seen as something valuable to the organisation, before I can allot time to the LGBT stuff. A lot of juggling is needed. My role is changing irrespective of my time within the LGBT group and needs to for reasons said before. But this is also important to me. Time to spend additional time outside work if necessary.

Conferences

Not the best at going to these kind of things anyway, as I always feel so uncomfortable with the breaks in between. The bits where everyone is in the same room wandering about, looking at stalls, politely smiling at each other. Unless you are a seasoned conference go-er or have arranged to go with Someone else, these bits can be so demanding.

I had one of those days yesterday. I'd arranged to attend the Trans Community conference in London for reasons in part I'll explain in my next post probably. Anyhow I was presenting in male mode as I wasn't sure if there were going to be changing facilities, but opted for "Grace" on my name tag as I was in all intent and purposes going in this mindset anyway and who knows I might bump into someone I knew.

I was in two minds about what to go and see. Pressure was in part to go to the organisational related seminars, but I had paid to go myself and perhaps I might indulge myself too? In the end I opted for the former and found out some more about the up coming Equality Bill and creating Trans inclusion policies in Health etc. I was intending to go to another but it was one of those double seminar ones which throws out your other choices. Something which we were told we had to commit to, so I reluctantly opted to leave the room before it started. This resulted in me wandering for a while, slightly miffed that I might be wasting an hour and a half before the next seminar. Jay Stewart at Gendered Intelligence was kind enough to suggest I went to the Voices in Poetry, (one of the ones I was thinking of going to for me personally previous). Jay explained though it was the second part of a double seminar it wasn't connected. So I went upstairs and there waiting at the door was Rebbecca welcoming me in. It was a great seminar/workshop with lots to learn breathing wise etc and we arranged as a group to perform two poems at the end of the day. Oh how I wish I had just in part some of Rebecca's confidence, stance and demeanor, She came across as a lovey person. I met some lovely people in that group. One or two I know elsewhere on the interweb, but I wasn't sure whether to say hello as it may be the wrong thing to do and I was in male mode as well. If they are reading this, apologies I'm exceedingly shy as well in these situations, I wasn't being intentionally rude. That was fun. In the performance we were also encouraged to show how to make silent sounds with our lips and open sounds, like a horse and a motorbike. It did anyway go down well.

It was nice as well to finally meet some transmen too. At the end of the day I was exhausted. Kicking myself about my inability to network outside the seminars, saying some ridiculous things when I tried and even dropping a cup of coffee during one conversation. Heavens! Glad I didn't change there though as there was a bit of a rush to get us out and going out in public is something I have yet to do.

The Internal Knot

There is, it seems, an internal knot, a piece of string that starts off small but grows longer over time. It gets jiggled about by external motion and bounces around against internal restraints. As with any free moving piece of string, this will, eventually, over time, become entangled with itself and other items within reach of it, perhaps many times over. So what to do when things get too tangled? When things feel so taught that the string may snap. When things are so entangled, different pieces of the string may be tournacating others unrelated to them.

The urge is to tug at it sharply in order to remove it quickly, but that can result in the knot becoming more taught and more tightly entrenched. Or breaks the string altogether leaving rough, untidy, frayed remnants and two unconnected pieces.

We sometimes start at any random point and to try and unravel the piece of string. That, though satisfying, may be causing unseen entanglement elsewhere which will come to light as you reach that part of the string.

At other times we choose to have no more truck with trying to sort out the entanglement and opt instead to cut it out all together and then either tie the loose ends together, or leave them to float freely. The string is then incomplete and weakened within its structure and its fibres no longer intertwined.

With space and time set aside, sometimes we can look at the knot(s) and string in its entirety. This enables us to make a more educated guess at where to start and to plan for any additional snarl ups further down the process. It can be a meticulous, time consuming project. One which sometimes requires the assistance of others, some with expertise and experience in this particular dexterous field. When the string is looser we often feel like there is no more need to continue the detangle. This though may result in an earlier return to the entangled stage than expected.

As an analogy this seemed pretty pertinent to me at the time I was typing it. Looking at it now, Is it too convoluted or just plain daft? I'm putting it up anyway. Who knows.

Education in life

I'm worried and disappointed with yesterday's decision regarding the BSF scheme. Living in the borough which rated lowest in the UK for pupil/parent choice for prospective secondary schools and one which I note has almost all its BSF schemes stopped, I have to ask why? Is this a return to make do and say nothing in schools full of cramped classrooms not fit for purpose? I respect the need to reduce uneccessary spending and beaurocracy, but what is the goverment going to put in place, if at all, that will make this generation of children, have a sense of self worth and positive direction? Shame on the government for hitting those not yet old enough to have a voice in the voting system.

Get Knitted!

Just a trivial post to start off. Tried my hand at knitting today at a lunchtime workshop in work. Haven't done anything like this since I was but a youngster with my Mum. It was very addictive, though my work in progress wasn't brilliant, I think if this becomes a regular thing in work I could become hooked, (shouldn't that be crochet?). A great opportunity to have a natter as well as seeing some of the great things you can make! As I was in Bob mode, quite happy to be the only man there and the girls were very patient with me. Just have to learn not to stick my tongue out of the corner of my mouth when concentrating!

New look...

...for the site. A bit of fun and I like the changes. Just a bit fresher.

Still Here?

Still Standing!

Just popping in. Two months is a long time to be away. I'm fine. A little bruised emotionally and confused about a whole gamut of things happening around me. Got a bit to update you on as well. But not just yet. Need some time and space to put things down. I'll be back soon.