It's almost time...

The tests proved good and a date has been pencilled in for the transplant to take place in mid April.


So little time and so much to do! Arrrghh! I always knew that I would have to rush around trying to sort things out, but it seems that there is a tad more to handle than even I was expecting. I won’t bore you with too much of it, (i.e. the mortgage coming up, shower needing rebuilding etc, etc), but it was compounded by the fact that my wife also broke her wrist very badly four weeks ago after a fall whilst we were walking to work. That has necessitated some additional visits to hospital, while she underwent surgery to have a plate put in etc, and additional concern as to whether it would affect any planned transplant surgery. Thankfully it didn’t. I feel the need to enquire if a season pass is available to the hospital though and if not why not because it seems like a very good idea if you ask me!


Enough about that! What about the important things? Now things are nearly upon us, we have had to look at the practicalities of it all and the effects it can have in the run up and afterwards as well. I have to say I don’t yet know what effect this will have on my ability to work afterwards. No-one does. I hope and intend to be up and about within 2-4weeks but also have to consider giving and getting support for my wife. Everyone it seems is willing to take on our son, but no-one really has considered the effects major surgery on the two of us is going to have on our needs. Work has been accommodating of the additional time at the hospital to an extent but I can see they are worried about how much support they can give. I’ll know more soon about what has been decided along those lines.


We have had to consider the what ifs?, morbid though that thought is, (and I’m fairly certain this will all go fine). What will happen if one or both of us have complications? This has led to discussions into the early hours and some soul searching. It pays to be prepared though and I would rather know that something was in place instead of nothing at all given the opportunity. It has been quite draining at times. Just need to tie up some things and write some messages.


As it becoming more general knowledge people seem to be falling into two camps, the first say “How brave” and the second “Are you scared?” I’m not entirely comfortable with the term “brave” as I don’t feel I am being so. You don’t know how you are going to respond to possibly giving a kidney until you are put in that situation. For me it wasn’t a “here we go over the top” kind of thing. It was more matter of fact and a simple reply “yes”. Someone else could just as easily spent a lifetime deliberating the question and its outcomes, or even said “No” in just the same way as I said “yes”. There is no right or wrong response except the one which is right for you. On the whole most people are keeping it to just that one ‘brave’ question. I do have a friend who is bigging it up a little and I am feeling decidedly uncomfortable with that. It just isn’t me. That doesn’t detract from the fact that in order to proceed both if us are well briefed on what to expect and the what ifs as mentioned before. Yes we are both scared. It would be unnatural not to be. We know the risks, small though they are. I am to all intent and purpose going in healthy and coming out unwell for a short while. There is the possibility I may not be fully prepared for that. I’m told it can be a bit of an anticlimax and some donors have experienced some depression afterwards. To be forewarned..., as they say, especially for me, I think can only help. Coping strategies and circle of support have help me a lot this past year or so. I’m going into this feeling strong and have been checking that the support is there afterwards.


I have been open about Grace to a close couple who have been friends for years as I said I was considering to in my last blog. This was all part of getting support and making sure that something is in place to make sure Grace isn’t relegated to one of those things whispered about and that if my son was to find out later someone could talk about it in a positive way and my reasons for not telling him yet. It went quite well. My friend admitted he couldn’t connect with it personally but accepted it all the same. There were some awkward loud questions about “So do you want to wear a dress?” etc in the middle of the pub but I think I handled it OK. It is just how he does things and no one else seemed to bat an eyelid. His other half wasn’t with us and he said he would let her know. The response couldn’t have been nicer. A text message saying, “Good for you! Keep on doing the things that make you happy” with lots of luv and hugs included. That now is a great thing to have. Acceptance. And if I’m honest something I should have done a long time ago. There just wasn’t an appropriate time before now.


Got to go and get some things done now. Prepare things in work; finish off the shower and other mundane things that need doing. Then spend a few days as a family, together, enjoying life. There has been too much heaviness recently and a bit of a break from things will do us good in readiness. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to update you before the op. If not I’ll be back here afterwards with time on my hands for a week or two or there while I recover.


Will write soon.


x

Zumba and Other Unrelated Musings

At last it is here! Zumba classes have started in work and I have been along to the first two lessons so far. I have to say it is an enjoyable experience and a brilliant workout. Yet to see any benefits on the old weight front but I do look forward to the lessons and I seem to be getting a kick out of the exercise! I am the only man attending at the moment, (most people in work know me that way), though it does also have a certain appeal to my femme side admittedly. Where else might you get the chance to practice your hip movements and feminine movements so openly? It does however remind me that when it comes to such things I have a lot to learn to overcome the male dyspraxia and to loosen my hips and back. Often it feels like I have all the grace of a lump of concrete moving through treacle. I’ll get there though! (She says smiling from ear to ear!)

Here is a conundrum for you. What do you do if you realise that the boots you are wearing under your jeans to work in male mode are the same as those your female colleague sitting directly opposite you is wearing? I’m opting to remain quiet unless it is mentioned and keeping my legs firmly under my desk as much as possible. Who would it be worse for if it was pointed out? Her or me? Let’s cross that bridge if we get to it.

I don’t usually talk religion as there is so much that has put me off in the past few years. I am feeling the need though to try and bring Grace and my spiritual needs together. Probably opening a hornets nest, but I am feeling I’ve hurt myself too much for the sake of what others might think. Looking into possibilities is all I’m going to say as they are feelings very personal to me which I’m not going to force down anyone’s throat, but again a side to me I’ve switched off for too long.

Much respect to Sue for having the courage to be open to some close friends recently about her Trans side. I am thinking of doing similar to one such close friend and her partner. If anything has taught me something over the past few months we never know how long we have despite our best efforts. Someone I know lost her partner to a heart attack very suddenly over Christmas which brought much into perspective. I would like to think that if anything was to happen to me, heaven forbid, I didn’t miss too many opportunities. I would also like to think that there are some people out there who can talk about Grace positively and not as something to be whispered or not dared mentioned as and when I’m gone, especially to my son. I intend to be around for some time yet, just in case you think I’m getting too morbid, but you do have to think about these things from time to time.

Still waiting on the tissue matching results. No news is possibly good news in this respect. I’ll let you know if things change.

Belated New Year Wishes to You!

I hope your holidays went well? Ours here were quiet, from which for all intent and purposes we shall therefore infer that they went well. That didn’t explain as to why I was feeling so exhausted and run down afterwards however. Obviously a result of all that excess and over indulging that we associate with the time of year alongside all the rushing around we usually expect to do. The scales were not on my side however and much of the weight I had lost over the previous four months had magically reappeared overnight.


So I have made some decisions about getting back on track.

• Buy some new scales! The old ones seemed to be jumping wildly from day to day and I was getting uncertain as to whether they needed adjusting before and after I stepped off them. So I have opted to replace the old metric scales with a set of new digital ones. Now I can see even smaller dips or rises in my weight. I’m asking if that is necessarily a good thing? I don’t appear to have put on as much weight as I thought but it is still enough to require some serious attention.

• Seek out some proper exercise! Going for a short walk at lunch is losing its appeal as the weather gets colder. Strangely I’m also finding a distinct lack of enthusiasm to get back into climbing the fifteen floors to work twice a day, which has to be done in its entirety from the start with no access to other floors. There is talk of a Zumba class starting in work, though the date of the taster class seems a little uncertain. I did turn up for one just before Christmas, but being so close to the holidays I was the only person there and we opted to wait until the New Year so more people had the opportunity to try it out. Still waiting. If it doesn’t happen soon I’m going to have to look at something else.

• Stop eating so much chocolate! This is a proper addiction that I definitely liken to trying to stop smoking. So difficult to do and if I thought I can get away with the odd indulgence over Christmas I was very much mistaken. It’s a curse sent to challenge me. I’m sure I’m not alone on this one.

• Take some time out for me! This is notoriously a difficult time for many of us as we try and return to work after the holidays. Headline after headline reports highest sick rates in work at this time of year and yesterday purportedly being the most depressing day of the year (Blue Monday). I was feeling so tired and worn out. I couldn’t get any enthusiasm to do anything. So I booked a long weekend with Friday and Monday specifically just for me. Girl did I need it! On Friday I tried to catch whatever last minute bargains I could in the sales. I came home with some proper knee high boots that can be worn beneath my jeans when I feel the need in male mode as well. Also there were some skirts and a blouse that just screamed out to me. I am happy. Monday was then a full on Grace day for me. Something I haven’t had the opportunity to do for a while. To say I needed it would be an understatement. I felt the great outdoors beckoning though. Relaxing at home is beneficial but last year’s exploit has boosted my confidence as a woman. I will have to make that something to do soon too.

Elsewhere I’m helping out last minute as stage manager for a production so that is helping with the exercise and weight. There is the possibility of some other acting opportunities in a few months but there are more important things possibly happening. We’ve heard from the hospital that there is a possible donor on the next round of the paired donorship scheme. We will know in a few weeks if tissue matches etc are favourable. My wife is a little put out about the acting opportunity and thinks my priorities lie with that. Bit of a no brainer as far as I’m concerned, she couldn’t be further wrong. Getting her well again takes precedence over anything else, no matter what. Try and get her to see that though is another thing. So long as I know that I have my priorities straight on this she will have to wait and see the proof in the pudding.

Advent Calendar 22

Have spent most of the day today doing what I enjoy most in work. Working on and discussing LGBT issues etc. That is what keeps me going. Pity it has to be on my own time, mostly as it is secondary to my day to day role. Had a marvellous meeting with a colleague catching up on things and reminiscing how things have developed over the past year. Personally I seem to be much happier and comfortable with myself and this is showing. With regards to the issues at hand and promoting them etc, again I’ve come a long way and currently I’m co-chairing the LGBT staff network. Who’d have though all that would happen in a year? What will next year hold in this respect? I realise I don’t have the weight or possibly the right way of thinking to do much in the way of up front campaigning etc. Gentle persuasion and dialogue I think is more me. There is also a lot to learn from work and the way they do things that I can transfer to these particular issues. Think I might try and pop up from time to time at other group/organisation meetings, or at least offer my perspective if they want to hear it. All can be done quietly and allow me to concentrate on things at home when I need to. Home has to be  a priority next year but I also need to still do things that allow me to develop and express myself. I think, no feel, a balance is possible in this respect.

Advent Calendar 21

Today was one of those days where if I had the opportunity I would leave my job for pastures new. Nothing to do with anything bad as I think my employer on most counts has been fairly good to me, especially of late. It’s more to do with what exactly do I have left to achieve in my current role? Having spent a year preparing for a major campaign I have to think now about what next can I do? Is there anything else to develop and build upon? Itchy feet do not necessarily mean a bad situation, just a lack of inspiration and motivation and where can I get it?

Advent Calendar 20

Shopping therapy has come up trumps. Found a plain black suit jacket that will go with skirts and dresses for that professional look. Just £12. Happy and content. Part of me wishes I could go to work like that sometimes.

Advent Calendar 19

Trying to get motivated today was so hard in work. Despite working with people over the phone there was distinct lack of actually seeing people face to face. Just myself and the four walls of my room, with no one popping in as they walked past. This was a very long day.

Advent Calendar 18

Today continued much like yesterday, though I wasn’t out and about as much. The female connection today was with my wife. Talking about all sorts and this and that. One of those days to feel almost completely accepted. So very, very nice.

Advent Calendar 17

This has definitely been a day for feeling like I had tapped into a female state of mind. I started the day getting my hair done and then moving on to start getting the Christmas shopping out of the way. Everywhere I seemed to go I felt part of a female collective. I was for all intent dressed in my male apparel, though as I’ve said before I’m becoming increasingly androgynous, especially with my hair freshly done. However, I felt strongly female today. I think that was showing too in how I talked and acted for there was a connection with many of the women I talked to. Hard to explain, but it was a nice day.

Advent Calendar 16

Have to admit I feel rotten today. Lethargic and down right low. Feel like I need good cry too! The reason for this? I’m not entirely sure. So much has been going on and now with some breathing space I realise just how much it has taken out of me. Need to recharge my batteries. Something nice. I feel a little shopping therapy might not go a miss! Can't afford much but let's see if I can find a bargain!

Advent Calendar 15

Learning a few home truths can be instrumental in assisting you to develop. Thinking that others need to do the learning can sometimes infer that there may be things you are not expecting to hear as well. Be ready for that and it won’t seem to be such a surprise.

Advent Calendar 14

It was such a slow day today. I have to admit that Christmas seems so far away until you realise there is only just another week to go! Cripes! I’ve requested some perfume for Christmas and reiterated with my wife that that does not mean my male side has to have a present too. I am after all the same person.

Advent Calendar 13

I was sat on the bus the other day, near the back with a handful of teenage girls sat behind me. Then came the inevitable ability to hear everything they were saying. It is a strange phenomenon that one, how everyone on a bus can hear what such girls say. It’s almost as if the volume switch is either broken or has been turned up intentionally. Can’t really guess which? I’m digressing of course, back to their conversation. They start to talk about Trannies. Well one does and starts to say you can always tell one. “Can you?” I think along with the thought they might be talking about me and that this is going to turn into one interesting bus journey if they are. But I have to take a step back and realise there is something different about this situation. The other girl throughout has been putting her friend right on the proper use of terminology and is a lot more matter of fact about the whole thing and appears to be much more clued up on it all. Well done her. Things didn’t get worse for me on that bus and I spent a little while contemplating how things can change one person at a time and not to judge straight away.

Advent Calendar 12

Birthday wishes going out to my sister. Sisterly love she doesn't even know exists across the ether!