Advent Calendar 9

Occasionally you get a memory jolt! Something that envelops you entirely causing a wave of sensation, rolling from your head to your toes, leaving swirling eddies to crash about your entire being for some time afterwards. That for me was the effect of the first sip of Rose Hip tea for some time, probably nearly 30 years if I'm honest. Shame it didn't last for the whole cup!

Advent Calendar 8

There are days when everything you do does not seem to get you where you are trying to go any quicker. In London it has been a bit like that transport wise. Bit of a hassle and quite a few irate people pushing and bustling past recently because of problems with trains etc. I'm opting to chill as much as I can and go with the flow. Just not worth letting it get to you if you can help it.

Advent Calendar 7

Occasionally it does you good to be one step behind yourself. That way you can look ahead and see what you are about to do! Confused? Yeah me too! :-)

Advent Calendar 6

A full on day today. Things I've waited all year to find out about are now moving positively. Next year could be busy. Almost cleared to go onto a paired or group donation scheme. The odd hurdle still to cross. Nearly there. Then all we have to do is wait every couple of months.

Advent Calendar 5

Sometimes it is best not to fill the silence if there is no need to do so.

Sometimes quiet contemplation is the better option.

Advent Calendar 4

Tonight was the time to indulge in a little guilty pleasure. Ironing whilst listening to music on my ipod and supping on a few glasses of red wine. Total relaxation and meditation of the mind. Not much can improve on that. Well let me see if I can include some chocolate then it might be near perfect. Do you think any less of me now you know that?

Advent Calendar 3

Something is yelling out to me as a possible Christmas gift. Something I think affirms my own sense of self, my tastes and quite simply says me. It is in fact a pair of purple Doc Martens boots. Hardly ultra feminine but a feminine statement all the same I feel.

Advent Calendar 2

I know it’s not New Year just yet, but I realise I need to look at what goals I had set myself this year. Have I met any of them? The answer to that is yes, I feel, to quite a few. Strangely that doesn’t mean they have been completely ticked off the list and made way for new ones. Instead they have been more developmental and instrumental in maintaining my own sense of well being. Time to build on them I think and to look at what new goals I can set myself as a result.

Advent Calendar 1

I have commented in the past about looking in the mirror as Bob only to see Grace looking back. Yesterday the same thing happened. This time however, there was no feeling of worry, or of being disconcerted by it. I had instead a feeling of contentment. One of balance. Bob/Grace looking back at the same time, hardly indistinguishable from each other. A feminine person. It felt right. No conflict. A rare feeling indeed.

Stepping out the door

One of the biggest challenges I had set myself was to get out en femme and experience a normal day, doing everyday things I usually take for granted in my male life and some of those things perhaps that are unique to presenting as female. I had decided at the beginning of this year to actually act on this after failing to do so last year, but time and opportunity for various reasons were few. This was going to be quite a big challenge for many reasons. Trying to overcome a lifetime of learnt internal repression is the first barrier. All those little things you tell yourself from an early age that to present like this is in someway wrong and will not be acceptable in the outside world at large. That I will be ridiculed and mocked, ostracised and threatened. That the world in general will literally implode around me, leaving the shattered remains of who I am for all to see. Then there is the Pandora question. Just what will I be discovering if I open this box and look inside? Will it be so all overpowering that it threatens to destroy everything I hold dear like my marriage, family and friends? Will I become somebody new, somebody different, ...somebody... I don't want to be? Will this just exacerbate and compound my feelings and make me feel even worse? These are just part of what was going through my mind and are on top of just how I was even going to do this with so much happening elsewhere in my life?

Recently the chance of an opportunity presented itself. To join some other girls in the centre of London for lunch, a drink, a chat and a bit of a wander around afterwards. There was a possibility I could do this and in all real likelihood it may be my last chance to do so this year. I had to give it at least some consideration, if anything, just to try and avoid getting into a cycle of looking back at lost opportunities wondering what if? I needed this. Opportunities to express this side to me were becoming fewer at home with my son becoming more independent as he gets older and opting to spend more time at home. He doesn't know about this side to me yet as we made a decision to wait until he is a little older and dealt with his own challenges that we know too well present themselves during childhood and teenage hood. I was however becoming less and less able to express my female side. This wasn't going to become a negative thing, something to become resentful about, something full of regret. I wanted to find other options, possibly something that would help me to become a more whole and complete person.

The initial feelers started to go out to see what challenges, aside from my own internal turmoils, stood in my way. Would it be OK with my wife if I did this, especially with so much else going on for her at the moment? I'd have to wait for the right time to ask. She said yes but was a little worried about me going out as Grace. I then had to decide how I was going to co-ordinate this? For obvious reasons I couldn't dress and make-up at home, perhaps I could do it en route, though quite how I wasn't sure? I won't go into details of what I considered except to say they tended to raise more issues as opposed to solutions. Then one of the girls I had met before and gotten to know, agreed and offered to allow me to go to her place first to get ready. For that I am so very grateful. The major hurdles, it seems, were down and possibility was now fast looking like becoming reality. I was looking forward to this despite my nerves and internal conflicts.

Then came the day. I only had a few hours sleep having made the mistake becoming engrossed in a late night movie on the television. My head was feeling far from clear and was exceedingly groggy. Because of this I opted to write a list of the things I needed to take just to make sure that I didn't forget anything essential. Following an extra close shave I got ready and my wife came downstairs to see me off. Upon seeing my list and packing noted I'm not usually that prepared in other parts of my life. I could see she was a little worried and tried to reassure her before leaving the house. During the journey I wasn't worried that much. This was going to be. It was after all an opportunity worth taking. When I got to my friend's house I firstly apologised for looking like I had brought everything including the kitchen sink. In future I'll know more about what I need, but this time I had to be over cautious. We sat down to coffee before I went to get ready. A few deep breaths and all seemed to go well with no major problems on the make up and clothing front. Then came the nail varnish and indications that I might be more nervous than I thought. My hands were shaking! I managed to get a reasonable coverage on my nails with just one or two errors but it was OK. Then came a knock on the door asking if I was ready? I opened the door and was reassured by the kind words of my friend. That was a relief as she looked so good and natural herself. She was also only the first person after my wife ever to meet Grace face to face.  After helping me to clear the splodges of nail varnish off my fingers it was decided to fore go another coffee and go straight out in case my nerves got the better of me. OK I thought, let's go for it! We waited a minute or two for someone visiting the neighbours to go inside and then we stepped out into the big wide world!

I have no idea if there is a right way or wrong way to step outside for the first time, but for me this was ideal. A kind of systematic and gradual desensitisation as I dipped my toes into the world as Grace. There were no trains running locally due to engineering works so we opted to walk to the closest Tube station which would take a little while. We started out on some very quiet back streets with no-one about and then walked onto a main road with lots of cars rushing past. No one appeared to be crashing or driving erratically as a result of me being there, (on the pavement I might add). Then as we got closer to the station we encountered more and more people out and about on a Sunday morning. Again no-one seemed overly concerned at my presence. I was enjoying the Sunday stroll on a very lovely and sunny morning. I took a few moments to take all the sensations of the world around me. It was so peaceful. We then reached the station. Outside and inside was very busy, but another uneventful experience. We got on a quiet carriage on the Tube. It was getting warm and I opted to take my coat off for the journey, worried that my make up was starting to break down under the pressure of perspiration. Again my friend kindly reassured me everything was alright and I looked fine. Eventually two people sat opposite us but didn't appear to notice us sat opposite. We had to change lines at a more busy station and soon this new train got very busy and crowded. Even this close up few people, if at all seemed to notice. I was surprisingly calm.

When we reached the centre of town we walked a short distance through tourists etc to a small coffee shop that sold marvellous coffee, (their complimentary choc was nice too!), before moving on to the pub where we had agreed to meet some other girls. One girl was serving behind the bar and she was so nice and welcoming and chatted with us whilst we had a drink and waited for the last of our party to arrive. When we were all there we went upstairs for a fantastic meal with good conversation and relaxing atmosphere. It was busy with lots of people in a small space but again there were no problems. The person serving us was so helpful and nice. He was very polite and smiley and helped us to feel comfortable there. Things were going so well there we opted to stay longer and enjoy each other's company and conversation. Eventually with the afternoon drawing to a close we chose to walk through Chinatown popping into a shop along the way.Things all round were slightly crowded, but again if anyone noticed they didn't make a song and dance about us on the whole. My nerves it seemed had been left behind at the house that morning and I was enjoying the moment. We walked down to the river where one of the girls had to head back home. There was now just two of us again so we though about going for another drink. One place was too crowded so we opted for another. It was exceedingly warm in there and I was worried my make up was breaking down especially considering I had shaved over eleven hours ago. Things must be showing by now? I was assured it wasn't.

We continued to chat for over an hour before heading back to the Tube and travelling home. No one it seemed was phased by our presence on the carriage. I noticed my reflection in the window opposite and saw a middle aged woman looking back. My friend reassured me I looked comfortable and appropriate for a woman of my age. I was a little curious as to why it had taken me so long and thought briefly about missed and wasted opportunities and thinking about a conversation earlier in the day about what ifs, but that is exactly what they are and not worth worrying about too much. This is now and I have finally gone out as Grace. I was starting to feel a little down though as we were getting closer to the time I was going to have to change. We walked back to the house and had another coffee and chat before I went to change. I was surprised at how well my make up had held together with only a little extra lippy and a touch of powder on my top lip applied during a trip to the ladies half way through the day. It was however time to change back and then the journey home. A good day as Grace in the world at large had been had. Many thanks to Sue, Ange and Joanne for making it so normal.

I make no apologies for the length of this post, nor for omitting bits and pieces about exactly what I was wearing etc. That for me is not the point. It is in part something another Transgender person can read amongst the growing number of first time out posts and hopefully gain some confidence from. It is also an opportunity for me to get as much as I can down so I can refer back to it from time to time rather than try and rely on my memory which can choose to break things down to just their basic component parts over time with little else filling in the gaps.

What did I get from the day? Was there any kind of epiphany, golden light shining through the clouds upon my face? Any dawning realisation that this was the real me and my male side just a poor attempt at life up to now? Was I overcome by euphoria through out the whole day, only to hit a major low at the end of the day? In answer to all of those I have to say 'No' It was significant in its everyday normal feel. Nothing major, just living life. The world did not fall apart. I did not fall apart. I was expressing a part of me I never truly realised I could in the world around me. New opportunities await. I can be less reluctant now to accept invitations to going out as Grace with colleagues in work who know about me. I can think about going out again when the opportunities arise. I can perhaps also think about developing things in general and getting that balance more right now. It is of course a matter of one step at a time, my mind isn't doing overtime as a result of going out as Grace. I was told that I was quite passable but that didn't mean I wasn't clocked from time to time. That will happen for me no matter what. I know I have to work on my deportment a bit etc. Mostly people looked at me for that little while longer, or smiled. Nothing I found too different in respect to the looks I've been getting as I become more androgynous in my male appearance anyway. There were two occasion though where someone openly laughed at us and the other where someone openly stated "It's Tranny Night" when we went to the second pub. Those instances happen and I sure wasn't going to go running home or out of the pub as a result. It happens but is something I can live with. Hopefully over time people like that will become more accustomed and less ignorant of Transgender issues. I'm reminded yesterday that reports of serious Homophobia & Transphobia abuse are increasing though. This is not something that should stop me from going out, but I do need to be aware of this. It is in part down to the fact that more of us are identifying as Trans and getting out there, being more willing to report abuse as well. I look forward to the day, perhaps not in my own lifetime where this is seen as a normal thing and part of life in general and someone does not have to go through the angst and worry Transgender people do today.

If you have read through to this point I'm impressed. I hope it has been of some help, if not an interesting read. I know from this experience that I will continue to be me and that I can express this side more openly from time to time. I did it... at last!

I'm having one of those days

I’m finding it difficult to keep the feminine side to me under wraps today. How can I explain the feelings of anxiety and frustration at not being able to express this side to me when it is at its strongest? I loathe when it gets like this. Not the feeling itself. I loathe having to repress all this. I loathe not being able to just be me when I get like this. I just want to be accepted. For this to be seen as normal. To be part of life’s rich tapestry, (sorry for the cliché).

I know what has triggered this most recent state of affairs. Things were fairly quiet on the need to express myself front. I’ve taken it easy with the outward expression, reigned back on the little things like androgynous mix of clothes and clear nail polish etc. Partly because a new member of staff was starting in work as part of my team and I didn’t want to scare her away just yet, partly because opportunities at home have become less now that my son is older, and partly because the need just wasn’t there. I have to admit I liked the more male look as it is as much a part of me as the female. Now though la femme is back with a vengeance and I just have to let this out somehow! The trigger was in part getting the opportunity to open the Pandora’s Box and be more daring last Friday in work as I was on my own. Nothing too O.T.T. but back to the balanced look as I like to call it. I’ve also being doing some in depth T related work in the office requiring some deep thinking. Then over the weekend on telly I watched “Skin” and “Milk” on the television. Both really hitting home about discrimination towards people for being different. All this seems to have been playing on my mind Things just don’t seem right. I have to admit to feeling a little anger here as well just to add to the mix.

Then comes the worry. Just how much has repressing this held me back over the years? How much more ingrained this will become in my psyche. Will it become all consuming? Do I want it to? What would happen if more and more people knew? Is this the urge for a primal transgender scream I’m feeling, or do I just need a good cry?

I’m sure this may come as a surprise to those of you who don’t experience transgender life. Especially if you look at my past blogs where I probably come across as fairly with it and accepting of this side to my life. And yes I am. I do wish to live a life in balance if that is possible. I like being male and female. Sometimes the urge to be feminine and female is as all consuming as the need to be masculine and male at other times. It’s just that it is easier to do the male side of things in life. Life at present appears to be holding me back on doing the female side of things and that is what is so aggravating about it! This is what being Trans for me is about at the moment. Part of my Trans experience. It’s not unusual as Trans things go. Quite normal probably. Being together and accepting of yourself helps to prepare you for days like this. Life still has its obstacles and prejudices and discrimination to hold you back, real, imaginary or otherwise.

I need to organise some femme time soon. How I’m not sure but soon. A few days off perhaps, maybe something else? I’ll have a think.

Shine on

What a glorious few days it has been for late September and early October. Really appreciate the sunshine and so out the ordinary which makes all the more special. Have to admit to not being happy stuck in the office, but at least it has carried on into the weekend.

I'm getting those feelings of wanting to do something different again work wise. Swings and roundabouts. In a few weeks I might feel different again but I wonder if I would be doing something different if I wasn't concerned about making sure I'm in work at a time we need a steady income? It really is just a job now as I look back at the past few years and realise there isn't much more I can make of it. Should I just be thinking about looking for something else which is a little more challenging and making the most of what I can do? Should I take the chance? That's it again. What it boils down to. I need a challenge. Something that makes me think and develop more. Something that perhaps I can do more with regards to who I am? Anyone out there knows anything available that takes advantage of my skills and allows me to do this in a job that keeps the roof over our heads, let me know? Well it's worth a try!

Got to find something to keep my mind ticking over. If not in work then elsewhere that I can fit in to everything else happening at home. Now to enjoy the sunshine some more before things return to how they should be. 

Changes

I've just been looking through old photos of me en femme, taken over the past few years and note the changes as I have developed. Different looks, some good, some bad. Different age, so much younger, even seven years ago. Much slimmer then as well, (eek!), wish I still had that lithe figure. Not too many faux pas on the fashion front, (well I think I had enough sense to delete those almost as soon as I took them). Quite a journey of discovery and still travelling.

I look at the fresh faced 30 (something) year old and recall the Ecstasy and euphoria mixed up with uncertainty and vulnerability, as I was able to record this properly for the first time. I also see the landmark moments. Buying my first proper wig, then breast forms. Getting some decent make-up. Opting to start growing my hair and then colour it. Opting to go for a professional cut and colour shortly afterwards. To now, where I see someone who is more at home with myself. A little more confident and secure in knowing who I am. Becoming more everyday, a balance, complete. Clothing, where acceptable, being worn in either male or female mode. If I could, is there anything I would pass on to the previous versions of myself? Not really. That will be for them to discover and find out. Life will throw its challenges, but I'm still here.

I'm looking ahead now and some of the changes I'm going to have to make very soon. Financially I'm not sure if I can keep getting my hair done, so might have to opt for getting it cut less and consider other alternatives to colouring. I might try and grow it back to grey, putting a rinse through every so often to disguise the grey roots growing out. I will also have to curtail my spending a bit more. I think I have enough basic options and combinations to get me through clothing wise. I'm hardly dressing en femme every day and there are those things I can wear either way.

I'm becoming more open on occasion, or "out there" as my wife puts it. Borders have been crossed enough for some people possibly to make assumptions. How much more open will I become? I'm getting more confident in how I look and I wonder more about getting out as Grace from time to time. Will that create some newer dimensions to me? Will that be a good thing for me and my family?

My wife is under pressure to start getting things ready for a transplant. I'm going forward with the paired donor option as I can't donate directly to my wife. It may not happen straight away but come the New Year, if not sooner, we are looking at changes to how we live with this. Getting the house ready, preparing for dialysis if it is needed in between time, then waiting for the possible 'yes' or 'no' every few months for the paired donor scheme, or that call at anytime of the day or night that a suitable kidney has become available. I'm wary about being seen to indulge in this side to me, even though it is just an more complete expression of who I am.

Work continues to have its ups and downs. No job is ever safe and I really need to develop. They have been accommodating both on my involvement with the LGBT steering group and future possible time around my wife's surgery and recovery. I hope this isn't compromised by further cuts to service budgets etc and if it is any future employer are as much or more accommodating to my circumstances.

So what possible advice would I hope to get from my future self reading this in a few years time? Nothing really I suppose. Life will throw its challenges I'm sure, but it would be nice to know that I am reading this. Still here.

A brief intermission

Something has awakened following on from reading something about the old BBC Test card on The Angels site. I think it was a memory, probably one of the earliest I have that is T related. I remember as a young child looking at this when it used to come on and  not just thinking " Oh I wish that was me" but also "Is that me?"

OK you may think I'm going over the top here but as a young fella-me-lad, for me the girl in the picture looked just like me but with long hair and a headband etc. That was disconcerting, so much so it still feels slightly uncomforatble today. Take away the hair etc and that would be what I looked like I did back then.

I'm not going to go into the psychology of this because quite frankly I wouldn't know where to start. I think though it was one of the first images I identified with personally and not just wished to be. More "That could so be me!" as opposed to anything else.

Try not to laugh all at once and remember to turn the telly off when you hear the tone. Normal scheduled programmes will start again soon.