Advent Calendar 13

Whoever decided Sparkling Chardonnay was a good idea? It is neither a Spritzer nor is it a Lambrusco. Champagne it certainly isn't either! It doesn't do soft and has all the alcoholic effects of an ordinary glass of 'still' Chardonnay. So if you manage to drink enough of it not only do you get drunk you also get a bad case of windy indigestion, but not before burping the ABC and finding it extremely hilarious! Three sips for me and I couldn't drink any more. Having looked forward to a glass of wine to finish off a long week I am a little peeved.

Advent Calendar 12

A day for my sis. Called her to wish her a happy birthday. Been through a few scares recently and deserves a good day.

Advent Calendar 11

OK two things today...

The first is I am surprised at how little difficulty I had in contacting the Director of Employee Relations today to put forward my thoughts about the possibility of there being an LGBT Lead in the organisation. Such thoughts were invited and not an idea of my own. I have in effect outed myself to someone I work with and not the people I thought I would either, but I felt it was important that the T side of this should at least be given some consideration. Whether this was a wise decision I don't know yet. I have asked that my confidentiality is respected etc, but let's see. It was just something I felt needed to be said and if the outcome proves to be problematic then that's another bridge to cross.

The second is seeing prejudice where it might not be. So I chose not to fully comment on something elsewhere because I do not know the full story. Not about TG issues but instead this time mental health. It got my goat a bit. Maybe its time to not get so involved in some aspects of my life that have been so prominent over the last two years or so? Maybe its time to develop my own initiatives and life rather than remain in one place?

Advent Calendar 10

I like getting involved in the theatre I've decided. Looking down at the stage before a performance starts with so much promise, looking like a kind of cathedral to the arts. Something has been reignited in me even when I help out behind the scenes. You don't necessarily have to be on the stage itself in order to be a part of the whole performance.

Helping me to find a new slant on life and an insight into others.

Advent Calendar 9

Opportunities arise sooner sometimes than I expect them to. The question then I have to ask myself is can I take advantage of them now, doing more for myself as a whole person, without putting the balance so carefully put into place over the past thirty five odd years in jeopardy? Am I strong enough to take the step forward?

Advent Calendar 8

Sometimes you can see an argument coming. See all the reasons for it from both sides and try your best to not let yourself get riled. But if someone else doesn't, even the best laid coping plans and strategies are not going to last the full course of the evening. Hey ho!

Advent Calendar 7

Sometimes you have to ask yourself whether it is better to do all that you can, irrespective of what may be right and honest, to ensure your child gets the best possible chance in life. For me the answer has to be no. It is far better to know you have tried your best, to be where you are. People will scoff and say that to say that would be doing my child a disservice that they will not know how to handle themselves in the cut and thrust of this modern world. Far from it they will instead know how to pick up the pieces left behind and help those who fall from from those lofty heights in which they so precariously place themselves.

On the flipside I know that I am not being honest about who I am because I don't want to mess up my child's development and own identity exploration. For me he is too vulnerable and I wouldn't want him to suffer for me, if that makes sense? My choice but others cannot hide this side and have to be honest saying it will make their children stronger and their relationship with them.

Don't you just love a conflicting parenting style?

Advent Calendar 6

Sometimes spending a long day, doing something that may be entirely mind numbing, yet totally different to your usual routine, can be so, so refreshing. Today was one of those days for me. Nothing to do with the T-girl side to me, but a lot of fun all the same.

Advent Calendar 5

How difficult is it?

To hide your transness? I mean tonight I go out to a bit of a do. The theme is to turn up as a favourite pantomime, nativity or Christmas character. So I opt for a pantomime dame. I go, I think for an over the top character, clashingly bad makeup etc, rose bud lips, sparkly pink eyeshadow etc etc, balloons for boobs. All I get all night is how people found it difficult to not see me as an natural woman. What do you say to that except say you take it as a compliment. Perhaps if I try to pass naturally I will?

Advent Calendar 4

'Trans'indental Thinking

Not about going to the dentist en femme. More that sometimes being Transgendered can lead you to a higher way of thinking possibly. Yes I may think about clothes etc and I doubt few people who are don't spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about why they are like they are. For some the breakthrough comes when they stop worrying about it and I have to admit I feel like that myself and found life easier when I accepted me for who I am. But that is not my point today. Instead with all this time spent in deep thought, meditation say, over so many years are we occasionally open to a higher level of thinking or consciousness? OK feminine thought is just that I suppose but not what I am getting at. The other day walking to the train station in the obligatory male mode, to get to work I suddenly felt a inner strength and confidence. I felt as if I was walking along wearing a flowing dress etc. This was not wishful thinking but a full on state of mind for me, another level. This doesn't happen a lot to me, it isn't scary, nor does it I feel suggest something more deep seated. It is though a source of strength and I found myself subconsciously saying "Oh!" out loud. Probably a bit too much Richard Bach like perhaps?

Advent Calendar 3

Sometimes you end up putting off till tomorrow what you could have done today but for that tempting glass of wine.

Advent Calendar 2

Opening the Second Window
I spent many years holding myself back from doing things because of who I am. Things unrelated to being transgender. Now sometimes these things can conflict with being so and may require me to put plans on hold temporarily. Whereas in the past I may have felt denied, now I realise I have made my own personal lifestyle choice which is unique to me and how I want to live my life. These require certain responsibilities. For me comfort with who I am involves encompassing the whole, rather than concentrating on just part. At the moment I am lucky enough to experience a lot of things going on. The majority are positive and I am glad to get these opportunities after what appeared to be such a long time just simply exisiting.

Advent Calendar 1

Not sure how this is going to work out but I'm going to try and post something every day in the run up to Christmas. One observation or feeling from the day.

Opening the First Window.
Today that we as transgendered people are not alone in experiencing stigma both from the outside world or from our loved ones. Certain issues may be unique but that shouldn't stop us from empathising with others and offering our support. We may even be able to get together and fight for a larger cause that in itself will benefit each person uniquely. Support should be a two way thing.

Best Laid Plans

The Joys of London Public Transport on a Weekend
I had decided to attend the TG remembrance event in London yesterday and planned my route(s) ahead of time. Note the plural, it's not a typo, London Transport on the weekends at the moment can be a test of mental and physical endurance. This is before unforeseen circumstances such as emergency engineering etc are even taken into account.

So I first go to a bus stop near home which provides an opportunity for several different buses to several viable stations where I would have to change. First thing I notice is the traffic, almost stationery and many many people stood looking cold and forlorn at the bus stop. So I stand for a while with them trying to gauge the problem. England were playing at Twickenham some miles away. Trains were not going all the way, so people it seemed were opting to go by road. This was exacerbated because the South Circular is closed westbound so all traffic coming this way has to meet up with traffic coming in from the south on in it seems the road where I am going to catch my bus. After a while I decide to walk down the road to try other more viable options. On the way down I notice a bus coming down so I opt to wait at the next bus stop to see if I can get on. It doesn't even stop, despite people waving their arms etc or that there is plenty of spaces. this used to be a problem with this certain bus before when drivers, in order to keep on time would opt not to stop, even though the next bus may be some time behind and might inevitably do the same. Something that had been sorted but now seems to be creeping back. Decide to keep walking, scratching one possible route now off my list.

I get to a train station check the times and see a train going to Waterloo in five minutes. This usually is a quick route during the week, with delays occurring to trains arriving, because of a bridge needing emergency repairs, but the train was now coming in, so I opt to let the train take the strain. No problems until we leave Clapham Junction when the train stops. The reason why is a little unclear as the guard chooses to break the long silence just as a train goes past so we couldn't hear him. All we know is several other trains heading for the same destination are whizzing past. Eventually we move off and I think I may still be able to make it, albeit a little late. I opt to go to Waterloo as the Victoria Line has had problems recently on weekends, leaving the Northern Line, (yeah I know... Uh ohhh!).

So when I get to the Northern Line I just miss a train. I'm not blaming the lady at the gates who decides to get into conversation with the staff causing a bottleneck, but... The noticeboard is blank which is ominous so I wait... Five minutes later the next rain comes up as 15 minutes away which to all intent and purposes writes off my getting to my destination at all. So I reluctantly head home...

Sliding Doors
So the day didn't turn out as it should have. Nothing at all like I had hoped but something did stick in my mind. It's been a while since I've blogged. Not much has changed. Still deciding on whether to come out to my colleague at work, or not. Still growing my hair and had my hair coloured by my stylist. Next time I'm going darker and the style is very interchangeable between male and female mode. Not that I've been open about my transness, but I think she must have an inkling. I have been plucking my eyebrows slightly, (only just), to the point where they can be on the cusp of male or female so I don't have to have fringe now which suits me better I think. My rambles may seem unconnected but bear with me. In work as I relax a bit with who I am and bring balance of how I come across, another colleague has begun commenting how nice it is to see a man in touch with his feminine side, to which I joke "yes but the heels are killing me!". So now you get where I'm coming from I hope?

So the pluses of the day? Despite not even getting there? As you may know I opt not to go out in public en femme because I don't feel the need etc. But as you can see the balance of how I present is blending to represent the whole me. So I'm in male mode but wearing a ladies black long sleeve t-shirt which is barely different from the male version except for an ever so slightly deeper round neckline and a pair of dark purple stud earrings, which again can be pretty good male wise. Everything else is definitely male. Whether because of the frame of mind I was in and therefore projecting as such I encountered a few distinct moments shall we say. Walking down the road I passed two girls, on saying to the other whilst looking at me "Is that a man or a woman?" To which the other replied, "Does it matter? I'm not bothered." So I walk on a little stronger. I'm getting several looks throughout my journey. At the tube station one man made a point of just standing and staring for a long time. I stood my ground it didn't occur to me to feel I should move away. Then coming home two more girls had pointed me out from an opposite escalator and were discussing something looking themselves uncomfortable. So I give them a Paddington Bear stare of sorts... So the plus? It was obvious for whatever reason that my t-ness was coming across. This was causing some people to look at me and comment. Given the reason for my travels it seemed apt that I should experience something of public reaction, however small. They and myself will have experienced something new and as such hopefully learnt something positive or at least tolerance in a very small way. Maybe I'm kidding myself..? Maybe I'm not?