Having a moment

There are times, I'm sure when we all have a run of things that happen in the short space of time, which, shall we say, we need a moment or two to step away from all that is going on around you, take a deep breath and gather our thoughts. All very inconsequential when looked at individually. However, the randomness of chance means that occasionally a deluge hits us and we struggle to keep our head above water as wave after wave rolls towards us. Such a day for me was last Friday. Probably very inconsequential when you look at what other people have to contend with. But I needed some brief time away to gather my thoughts, take stock and move on positively. Allow me a moment to self indulge my darker side and offload a little. I won't go on too much. Honest! A lot of the stuff I won't even mention as it is just too dull.

The Thing and I
To update you on the thing, or growth on my thumb, (by the way I'm not far off giving it a name like Dave or something similar!). A week before Easter I went back to my G.P. The growth was getting bigger, weeping even more and seemed to be getting infected. I was prescribed antibiotics and some antiseptic wash for it, which has helped put things back to normal. Well as normal as a growth on your thumb could be. It gave me a chance though to ask the questions I wanted to ask first time round but didn't get the chance. Questions like what did they think it could be? The answer I got was a Granuloma, or kind of benign tumor. Of course they cannot be absolutely certain until the little so and so is taken off and they have run tests on it. Fine. This is pretty much what I thought it might be, following my trawl of the Internet recently. If it doesn't get any worse it can wait for my initial appointment at the hospital. If it does get worse then my GP will try and push for a quicker referral. I'm of the frame of mind that is better to not worry too much when I don't know the full details yet. I'm restricted by waiting for my appointment and staying positive is going to be more beneficial. Besides other people tell me they have had similar things removed and it is no big-ee.

Last Friday we got a call from the hospital. I had been referred to the wrong department. Instead I need to go to the "Hand Clinic" and will have to wait another two weeks. The simplistic term for the clinic had me a little concerned. Shouldn't there be some kind of generic medispeak title? As I type I'm seeing a funny side to this. Oh the possibilities to put in some double-intendres! " Madam! Is this the Hand Clinic? Well I'm in some discomfort with this unexpected growth and I'm looking for some relief!" But I won't go there ;-) Needless to say I had a lot to ask to make sure this time I was going to the right place this time. I was assured it was and that with the new electronic referrals from GPs it isn't unusual for mistakes like this to take place.

Needless to say I was a little perplexed. Both annoyed, confused, scared and upset. I was in work at the time and needed some time to take stock. We are right next to the Thames near to the centre of Town, so I went for a short walk and sat down on a bench, overlooking prominent landmarks and watching the boats go past. I didn't know whether to get angry or to cry. As I said before, at the back of my mind is the fact my father died three years older than I am now from cancer. Will this delay be detrimental? In the end I rang my wife and explained the situation then sat quietly for a while. Not so much a "puling myself together" kind of thing as that I think is more denial and can be negative. More putting things into context. At the moment it doesn't look like it is something to worry too much about. Yes I'm being messed about, but what will getting angry achieve? So I wait. This will be an initial consultation too so there will be more time before it is removed. I am so much hoping it doesn't clash with my brother's wedding abroad, who I haven't seen in over three years. Time will see. I went back to work a little clearer headed and able to cope with the demands and people I talk to. Sometimes some time out is what is needed. I don't do it often but recognise the times that I need to.

That's it. I've waffled and off loaded. The other stuff that added to this moment are the usual day to day stuff just that they arrived one after the other. Even more boring than this stuff I've typed here now. So I wont go into them.

Take it easy and have fun whatever you are doing!

Flower Power

Just thought I would share this with you. A moment that probably might seem inconsequential at first but something for me which was one that touched me so deeply and will be something I'll probably never forget.

The moment in question...? My wife bought me a single white rose.

"Not red?" I hear you ask. No. Not red. I don't particularly have an affinity with red roses which my wife understands. Life is like a rose. There are so many colours and variations to be found. Look around and you will see. Red is not the only colour.

Back to why this meant so much. It wasn't a big occasion. There wasn't anything behind it, (say to soften me up perhaps so I will agree to look after Junior while my wife has a girls' night out). It was bought on impulse, (which in my opinion makes it even more special) and simply to say she loves me. That you might think is more than enough to mean so much. But there was more that made it so, so special.

When my wife gave me the rose in the quiet and unassuming way that she did, my heart skipped a beat. And with that skip I all at once experienced so much. So much so, that the brief internal silence echoed in the way that an all encompassing silence can and resonates with me still and will probably never leave me. This moment touched me on so many levels. It connected with me as a whole person. Something that is very rare for me as someone experiencing life somewhere on the transgendered scale. Yes there was so much that meant a lot to me as Grace, the feminine appreciation that my wife had bought me a beautiful flower and all that goes with it internally. But there was also the connection to me as a husband, a partner. The fact that she felt comfortable to give me the rose, knowing I wouldn't be squirming in macho discomfort when she did. The fact that I didn't feel uncomfortable, but instead very, very touched.

At that moment I felt whole. I recognised the complete me, however briefly it was and however deeply I usually keep it psychologically and socially buried. I saw who I am completely. I just don't show it or experience it often. Just very rarely, at times like this I am me, neither feminine or masculine, but both experienced alongside one another. Complete.

Soppy? Romantic? Plain mixed up and in need of some therapy? Perhaps. It is so difficult to explain this from the point of view of someone like myself living life in a transgendered way. It is hard enough having to experience it first hand. So explaining what it is like to live within blurred gender boundaries to someone else, can come across as confusing.

It meant a lot. I think you can gather that and maybe some of you may identify with this. A special moment that will be with me for time to come. I need to reciprocate and buy my wife some flowers too. To show her just how special she is.

Time to Think

It's been a while. One or two things have happened which I shall tell you about. As you can see there is a new look me too. Slightly more mature than my previous look (see right). But it feels right. Its more the real me looking back and I'm more comfortable with it.

It is of course a work in progress. I'm growing my hair longer getting it thinned out and trimmed every six weeks. It is a marvellous feeling walking along and feeling my hair bounce in the breeze!

So what has been going on? Well sit down comfortably and I shall enlighten you.

Work

Work has had its ups and downs. Like many other organisations there has been a need to streamline staff numbers. A lot to go through, none of us could assume our post was safe. In the end I slotted in, probably because no-one lese really wanted the job! But I'm now having to go full-time instead of part-time. This is partly opportune as it allows Mrs Grace to set out and start up her own business, if she can do it now, it will succeed hopefully. Things will be very tight for a while. I haven't tried to be the main wage earner for so long, since my son was born nearly ten years ago. I won't be earning nearly as much, but fingers crosssed we'll get by.

Getting Out There

Well I've done three things openly as me. Ok it has been in male attire but I feel it is such an achievment. I met up with some girls in Central London for Christmas Lunch in December. This was my first time out with people who knew about who I am, (apart from Mrs Grace of course). That was an eye opener for me personally. I'm not sure what I was expecting, would this side of me be more gregarious and life and soul of any social soiree? Actually no. I was me. Extremely cautious and withdrawn. Just as I am in any first situation. Gawd I could feel it making others uncomfortable. But I know, give it time, as I feel more comfortable with people, I will become more comfortable and chatty. Since then I've attended an LGBT history event and LGBT job fair. These have been little steps but I am becoming more comfortable with who I am. I don't feel an overwhelming need to go out en femme, that is perfectly OK to be at home, though I'm sure an opportunity will come along en plein air. Still if someone has a problem with who I am, that is, at the end of the day, their problem, not mine. One thing I heard at the LGBT History event, that I will carry with me. It was a reply by a gay man to the question what have Lesbian and Gay people have in common with Transgendered people? Simply the need to come out and be who we should be. That at the very least engenders emapthy.

Gullability

I've come to learn that social web forums can be wary places to be. Posts in their essence can be misread or misinterpreted. In my case I have fallen foul of what I am told is a troll. A half flung comment read by me at the wrong time and I took it personally. It was also at a time that I was losing heart with the forum. I stepped back. Took some time away. The forum was so much at the time. It was my first real step into the real world. But I was losing something. I needed more. Other things in my life were taking presidence. I wasn't away long mind, though perhaps not as proliferate as I was in the past.

Sobering thoughts

Just after Christmas I got a small pinprick on my left thumb. Not much to worry about, you might think, and neither did I. But it never healed and kept bleeding. Over the space of two months it grew into what I though was a wart. A little strange as it is outside the skin, about the size of a pea, but attached to my thumb by a the small hole with which it began and still weeping. I went to see the practice nurse at my GP surgery to see if I could find a way of treating it. She instantly got the GP in. They didn't say much. I think I overheard "Melanoma" mentioned and I was told I would be given details on how to arrange a referral within two days. I tried to get more information at the time but they weren't very forthcoming, (how I hate that approach). So from there I had to go on the web and choose from three local hospitals and pick an appointment time. The earliest is 23rd April. I must add this isn't just down to the hospitals, but also to committments at home and in work. But as time goes on the lumpy thing is getting bigger, harder to cover with a plaster and needs to be redressed more often. My reason for concern is I am 3 years younger than my father who died at the age of 44 from cancer. His though was different and more self induced. I made the mistake of looking for things on the web yesterday. Probably not wise, but even the worse case scenarios suggest that it would be extremly rare for it to spread. It just needs to be removed an maybe treated locally. Let's see. Maybe I'm wrong all together. I'll be a whole lot happier when it has been cut off! It's affecting how I type, spellcheck is doing overtime! Don't want to be morose either, but it certainly sobers the mind.

That's it for now. Maybe I will add more, more often now.

Take Care & God Bless

Grace

Welcome/Croeso/Bien Venue

My very own blog. Couldn't have imagined it over a year ago and I'm not sure just whether anyone is really interested, (surely there must be an international glut of blogs out there?). But I'll give it a go, if only to try and start putting some sense into my life and making an attempt to record something,(memory ain't what it was you know).

As for the title... Well it can mean so much can't it?

A State of Grace..? Presumptuous maybe but there are times when nothing less than being me will do.

The State of Grace..? Probably more apt. Giving an update as to where I am and what I am doing, presenting myself to the world in this small way.

Bear with me while I find my feet and find something to write, enthuse, or moan about. I'm not sure how this is going to develop, but it seems right at this time.

That's it for now. Take care on whatever journey you are on.