Bear with me...

Just felt I had to write something in the hope it will help me to get things out of my system, or at least put my thoughts into some kind of order. The past few weeks or so have been a bit of a challenge for me mentally. I knew that there would be a kind of lull once everything with the transplant began to die down and I have been prepared for that. It is strange how the very fact of having nothing to overly worry about can in itself cause a void and feeling of what to do next. That I feel I can deal with, it’s difficult but bearable.

What I wasn’t expecting is the strength of my female feelings trying to come to the fore. It is almost like the reaction to a prolonged purge. I haven’t been purging or burying the female side to me as far as I am aware and I’ve tried to give myself the opportunities to express this whenever the opportunity came along. I’ve even been out in the big wide world in the past year. So why am I feeling like this and why does it scare me so much?

In recent years this has always been something which I felt was in balance in my life. I would very much like it to remain so. My feelings at the moment don’t seem to agree. I am in conflict with myself and it seems to be a primary vein of thought throughout my day and waking night. I’m really determined not to let this become something that will eat away at my sense of wellbeing, but it is there and I need to find a way of handling it and hopefully resolve things positively for me.

I know from past experience that sometimes when I’m down, or at a loss, my female side will become a bit more prominent. Whether that is a form of coping mechanism, or just being more in touch with who I am when I’m feeling most fragile, I can’t be sure. It can be a mixed bag of release, shame and guilt. Shame and guilt were I hoped for the most part relegated to history as I accepted me for who I am. I really hope that this is an episode like those in the past. Some sort of recoil from the past year’s events that will eventually slow and then return to a central point.

Never thought I would be contemplating some of the things I am now regarding who I am.

In work I am open to more colleagues as I work on Transgender and LGBT issues here. How much more before it becomes general knowledge? Am I ready for that and what opportunities to be more myself would that bring? What challenges?

I find myself in some kind of loop when I consider my wife. She accepts this side to me. She gets a little miffed when I sometimes seem to need reassurance that she does love all of me. I realise that it is mostly down to me. I can’t really express to her what I’ve come to understand about myself. How all the emotion, fragility and love I have for her is closely linked to my female side. Am I asking for her acceptance of that or mine? It wouldn’t make any difference physically as I am still male, but would she cope knowing that there is a female voice within calling out to be loved, embraced and accepted at the same time? Should she need to know? I really dislike not being able to talk in more depth about these things with her. I worry that she would get upset and think I didn’t love her, or wanted to leave her. Both wrong assumptions to make. I would hope that if we were ever able to discuss this it would make us closer.

So this urge to express myself more isn’t getting much opportunity it seems. Find myself wishing I could chose to do so whenever I would like, at work or at home. Who would want to see a middle aged bloke in a dress? I’m kidding myself if I think I’m going to pass or be accepted if I did. At home it would mean being open to my son. My plans have always been to tell him when he is older and doesn’t have so much on his plate that growing up tends to provide. Caught myself considering the possibility of doing that now, but he is only just a teenager. What effects would that have on him and how others treat him as well? But can I wait another 5 years say, before doing this. Will I survive? Then there is the wider family unit to consider it would probably get out if my son wanted to talk to someone else about it. It would be wrong to restrict him from doing so. Before you know more people would know and more again.

Enough now, before I wind myself up again. Is this anxiety getting out of hand, or is it just a temporary blip? Have I tipped the balance somehow and is this the beginning of another transitioning story? I don’t think it is but are there pages that still need to be turned? That is what scares me and the people I might hurt if I tried. Would I be able to avoid it for their sake and mine? Would I have the strength to handle all that if it came to it? Time will tell I think. At some point, if it continues, I might have to go for some help to try and make sense of it all.

Damn! I though I had this all covered in my life. Bear with me...